Long time gone... in Deeper Bits (Emotional and such)

So today was actually fairly decent for a Monday, up to a point. Made it a bit more than halfway through my day, before I got hit with a totally unexpected memory out of left field. I have no idea why. I’ve been riding in silence most of the time I’m in the van. I’m just in this funk where I haven’t really wanted to have music on, I haven’t been singing when I drive like I’ve done for years, and I’m not really thinking much, just kinda blank mind as I go. This is been going on for a few weeks, maybe a month or so, I’m not sure. I’ve not really been keeping track.

Today was one of those days. No music thus no singing, no thought process, just internally and outwardly silent. Then, out of absolutely nowhere, wham. For some reason, I remembered my ex-fiancee’s (KB) boobs. Not.... not really something I wanted to remember… ever. It’s not that hers were bad or anything -they were actually very nice DD’s, I just didn’t need to remember HER, or anything about her. She was one of the ones that really proved she wasn’t who she let on to be. She’s also the first girl I moved away for. Obviously that didn’t work out so well. We were engaged for 6 months, and after I gave her the ring, she changed. And, given I was living with a mutual friend of ours at the time, it made the whole situation really complicated. I didn’t readjust too well from that, and ended up moving back home. That’s when I made my three rules…
1) Don’t move to the west coast.
2) Don’t move near a big city.
3) Don’t move for a girl for any reason.
Obviously I broke those rules in this last round of stupidity.

She’s also part of the reason I don’t date girls with big boobs. Yes, I know boobs have nothing to do with her personality, but when it’s a common trait in your 3 worst betrayals, yeah, you get a little gun shy about that. The first one was AF, the girl I lost my virginity to. Very nice D’s, said all the right things, I totally and completely fell for her, no we did not move fast… at least not after second base anyway, and then I find out 2 weeks after I slept with her that I was a bet. Yeah. She used me to win a bet that she could find a guy who hadn’t… and take him. I had no clue till she told me about that and blew me off. Thankfully, I don’t think of her much anymore either. Second was KB. Enough said. Third and final was BM, the one I moved to Seattle for. I’ve beat that dead horse enough on here. So yeah, added little complication to my life.

I have no idea why any memory of her showed up today. It’s been years since I thought about even her name. I’ve never even mentioned her by name in I don’t know how long, I’ve only made reference a couple of times to the fact that I was engaged at one time, and don’t really expand on that, other than it ended badly. Truth told, I think the only one of my friends who even might remember that factoid is J, as I think I blogged about it back on OD, which is where J and I met. I think that’s where KB and I met too.... Shit.

After all the crap with MC, I’ve already given up on dating. I’m just not going to find anyone, despite how often I say that and J always tells me “You deserve better. You will find someone”. God love that girl, she’s so kind to me. But it’s like, what’s really the point anymore? At least as long as I’m in Seattle, anyway. It’s not that I don’t see anyone I’m attracted to here, I do. Frequently. A little too frequently, truth told. But they either have zero interest in me, or their personality makes them unattractive. As cold as this is, I’m glad S gained as much weight as she has. Definitely not tempted to retry things with her. She keeps hinting at wanting to relocate with me - not like as couple, she just wants out of here too. Yeah, that is very likely not a good idea. I was reliant on BM when I moved here, and I don’t want to be that for someone else. It’s not a good idea. This move was a bad idea, but that’s another dead horse I need to stop beating. Everybody already knows I think that.

The change in meds isn’t helping like I hoped. I’m still mostly dead when I get home from work. I was really hoping to see a positive difference this time, but no such luck. I’m a little better focused, and I’m a little more awake and upbeat at work, but that’s about the extent of the benefit I’m getting out of this. I don’t think I’m having as much of my usual depressed train of thought either. I’m still feeling it, the weight, the heaviness of it physically and emotionally, but I’m not thinking about it, if that makes any sense. I need to change. I can’t keep on, and I NEED to get out of here and back to Texas. I need my friends - my adopted family.

My mind went off on a tangent a few nights ago that stung pretty bad. I don’t remember what started it, but something got me thinking about if I already had kids by now. It made me want to say the things to my kids that I didn’t hear from my so-called father. “I love you, son. I’m proud of you.” Fucking bastard. Enough about my shit childhood though.

I may start taking the deck apart, just to spur me into getting on with it. It’s in less than good condition, and it’s ugly, so it’s time to rebuild it. I’ve got to get something started, and I’ve got to figure out how I’m going to move all my crap in one move. Staying here is just killing me slowly.