I hate those memories that just pop in there. It's like getting t-boned by a truck. I recognise some similarities here, particularly the making of rules and then breaking them. I've found that, while they seem like a good way of protecting yourself, they're actually just setting you up to fail. So why deny yourself an attribute like big boobs when you clearly are drawn to girls who have them? Sounds like you're barking up the wrong tree. ;)