I stopped tracking all the places that I have applied to. I know that I’ve applied to multiple departments within certain places. Of course, that’s not what is weighing me down. I was reminded yesterday that I need to be out of here by the first. The mistake I made was interpreting what my roommates said as a suggestion to leave and not as a command. Think you can be out of here by October? That was all the information I had to go on. I assumed it didn’t mean that I was going to be cast out. I will be calling a storage locker this week. I’ll store my stuff there and then I guess I’ll be drifting from couch to couch. The mistake I made with Toni was… I don’t know what mistake I made there. She’s been all over the place. Sabotaging, trying to blow me off. To put me off. It was like picking teeth trying to get her to admit that she does not want to take a chance on moving in with me. Employment or no employment she’s not confident that I will be able to keep a job if we go into another lockdown. Even after that, she went back to pretending that she did. Nobody was straight with me. They wanted to be selfish without feeling like a bad guy. I’m not one to see selfishness as an act of evil. Self-interest is a good thing. I don’t even know what to feel right now. They’re all trying to get me to manage their negative feelings about hurting me and I don’t have time for that. I really don’t want to be vindictive and spiteful but I don’t owe them that. I don’t feel like I owe them anything after this. My dark side wants to end all contact with them after this. I don’t want to invite them into my life when I get it all sorted and when I’m on my feet again. This time last year I was learning the harsh lesson of who was there for me. This isn’t exactly a brand new experience. The being left behind I mean. The homelessness, that’s new and exciting.
I don’t even have a couch lined up. I’m trying not to overwhelm myself by thinking too big but I don’t even know how my eating situation is going to go. Bev will likely offer me her couch. I would be putting her family out. I would alternate between her and my mother but my mother will decline. She has respiratory problems and doesn’t want to catch COVID so she’s staying away from all of us. I see Kyle this weekend. He may or may not offer me his spare room? I’m trying to keep this situation to myself. I didn’t even bring it up to Bev last night. I don’t think it’s fully sunk in here what is happening here. Winter is coming, I can’t sleep in my car. Homeless people have been fined in Melbourne lol. Like, what even is Australia right now? Anyway, a job isn’t going to save me from this. It is what it is.