What I thought was just a goal turned out to be a command. My mistake. My country, Canada, is in a record recession that is only getting worse, is in the middle of a pandemic that is only getting worse and we have the highest unemployment in the G7 which is only getting worse because the COVID response is only getting worse and I’m being kicked out because my roommates want somewhere to put up a Christmas tree. I’ve applied to dozens of places in the last few months and the competition is tough. Millions are looking for work right now. I should have a moving truck rented by now, my stuff packed and I should have somewhere to move by November first. I’m not even on a payroll. These COVID responses keep ruining everything. Last night I dreamt about what my life was what it was supposed to be right now. I was cracking jokes with my boss Becky at the craft store, half dreading going home to do my online courses and wondering if Toni bothered to re-up any of the groceries. That’s not my life. I woke up this morning in my sister’s basement, I laid there for hours before I bothered to get up because I have nothing to get up for. The COVID response cost me my job, my savings, my retirement and my life plans that I worked so hard to be able to do.
The COVID response has been my enemy which is the opposite of everyone else in my life. The COVID virus itself is their enemy. They have the standard underlying conditions and feel vulnerable and afraid. So in a world, during a time when everything is so polarized, a line is drawn between us and I’ve been written off as an immoral grandma killing monster. I have been ostracized by my family and friends because they want distance from my anti-groupthink. I guess I’m in a cancel-land with them until I publicly apologize for having different opinions. Different hateful opinions such as there are only two genders, fetuses are babies and white people aren’t born racist. I have room for differences of opinion in my life, we don’t have to be enemies. It’s not as bad as I make it out to be, there’s just always tension upon arrival whenever I try and talk to anyone now. I’m like Hi! Good Morning! Luck Love and Lollipops to ya! and they’re like Hi trader! Trader of your own race and LGBT. Ok, I’m being dramatic. Ish.
My mother took a year off when she was laid off from the accounting position she had for 14 years. That job defined her and she wanted time off. You would think that she would understand why I took time off when I was fired from a position that defined me for 13 years. Especially when it ended on bad terms. Who would have thought that a company would protect an operations manager that was getting his employees drunk and sleeping with them by firing the messenger (me) and then everyone who confirmed the allegations? I sure as heck didn’t. Also, I sure as heck didn’t see a pandemic response getting in my way once I was ready to get back into it. My mother has recently been critical of every single decision that I have ever made in the last few years. She knew it was going to be career suicide when I reported my operations manager’s misconduct. Multiple women came forward and asked me to fight for them and I wanted to do the right thing. I lost. Her being right about that has made her the expert in evaluating my life choices. Standing up to a predator knowing it would compromise my career was a dumb idea to everyone else. They question my decision since. As do I tbh. I could call my mother right now to see how she is doing and she will immediately pry and then list off every single decision I have ever made that led me to this. Then she will just sing the usual anthem that I get from everyone else that hasn’t had to look for work in a decade. Get a job you bum!
Toni is blowing me off and for good reason. She’s still being passive-aggressive and won’t be upfront with me that she has no confidence that I can get a job. She is also not confident that I will keep one. I did get her to admit that but what he is doing is telling me that we’re moving forward with our plans to find an apartment and then she sabotages all my efforts. It is a gamble she does not want to take on me. I have a two-month window before I’m out of savings and she doesn’t want to get stuck picking up the slack if I don’t manage to get employed by then. Which is the opposite of what she had been saying this whole time because she is desperate to move out of her parents. I knew better than to take a stoners word at face value but I made the mistake of assuming that was the score. I’ll pay the rent while you look for work I need to move out NOW she would say repeatedly. She changed her mind and didn’t give me the update. It’s all good, I just wish that I didn’t have to decipher where she stands. The underlying fear is that we both assume that the government will completely shut down all non-essential services again just as I’m starting somewhere. Only this time they’re unable to provide any recourse. That’s why I think the camps are being built from coast to coast. There will be riots. We won’t be allowed to work and the government will not be able to give us any compensation. The government site doesn’t specifically say who those camps are for. UN Troops are already in Quebec, aka mini Melbourne and they are already taking people away to undisclosed locations. Of course, nobody wants to pay attention or care about what’s going on. I’ve always wondered how the majority of Germans let everything go the way it did during World War 2. Now I am watching everybody acquiesce. Willful ignorance is why 6 million died to the Nazis in Germany, 20 million to the Soviets in Russian and 40 million to the Communist Party of China in China. Of course, I don’t think that these isolation camps are an attempt at genocide. Just an egregious, unnatural overreach of power to protect, aka control, Canadians. I do wish that I could take the blue pill. The story ends. I wake up in my bed and believe whatever I want to believe. I want to believe that the news would never lie and that the government actually cares about us. Just wear a mask and never question a single thing. Ignorance is bliss. I feel like Cypher in the movie The Matrix because I want to go back and be a sheep.
When it comes to life, we create better outcomes and achieve more when we’re happy. I’m trying to remain peaceful and calm. I’m doing pretty well. There is dread and fear 100% of the time but I still have enough faith to remain calm. I’ve reacted worse to less. I mean, this is the worst situation I’ve ever been in but I’m not running around like a chicken with its head cut off because that will just make things worse. What I need to do is ask for help. I have to ask people for help. I have to ask people who don’t want to be around me for help. “Ew. Jesus. Gross.” - Thorgy Thor. My way is not working, I have to ask for help but I can’t ask anyone with too much skin in the game. They want to play the blame game and spend the interaction finding ways to feel victimized by me. It’s so bizarre and frustrating. I don’t want to feel like I’m campaigning for sympathy either. If I’m honest with people about where I’m at they might offer me help in finding work. Good old networking. They’ve all got spare rooms… which would require me to swallow a huge load of pride to accept if they offered. Ugh, what a mess. Faith will save me I tell myself. I am receiving the same signs I’ve always received before a rebirth or before a big change. I need to have faith in the unknown and trust the process. Of course, that doesn’t mean fall to my knees and try to pray and manifest a solution. It just means that I have to hold myself together while I figure it out and have faith that this is all to lead me somewhere I’m supposed to be. Faith will save me from my nature. It will free me of my appetites so that I can govern myself. My need to control is making me read way too much into things. It’s a coping mechanism. I feel like everyone would rather that I just used drugs and alcohol to cope like everybody else instead of consuming and spewing politics.
I was preparing to move to Windsor also. I didn’t forget about that but I don’t bring it up. I sent resumes around over there but then saw that the COVID response was getting worse in Ontario. Made a last-minute decision to stay in my city. I didn’t see that coming either. Things were looking up. Now I’m stuck in Manitoba and I got some time to make up for. With a ticking clock now. Miss Rona continues to ruin everything.
Blah, it was another fine morning of throwing resumes around. Tomorrow I swallow my pride and start applying at fast-food restaurants and at supermarkets. I’ve exhausted all other options. Those were the last two things I wanted to do but hey, it’s an opportunity that millions would kill for. I’m also having thanksgiving with Bev and her friends tomorrow. I suggested that I always wanted to throw a vegan feast for the holidays and she got hyped and made it happen. I predict that my best case scenario is that all of my stuff ends up in a storage locker and I end up on someone’s couch for the winter while I stock shelves or work a drive-thru until Toni decided she is ready. So much standing in the way of control and I just need to keep coping. My roommates did not tell me to leave they asked me to try and be out by a certain time. I somehow missed the part where they told me to leave. I want to be angry and bitter but that won’t serve me. Ok. The rest of the day is just going to be me sick to my stomach as I radically distract myself from feeling panic and worry. I have plans with my friends all over next week. Blah
Last updated October 10, 2020