I’m made of lead in the mornings. I’m too heavy to move. Last night I had a panic attack only I didn’t have the panic. I’m absent fear when I have anxiety and panic attacks. I’ve lived with this long enough. So what does a panic attack feel like then? I wish I knew the requisite words to explain it because it’s something else. Otherworldly almost. I really get the sense that I am made of energy. Every piece of me is energy. During a panic attack that is. My stomach is still knotted and I can’t move my legs so it’s not exactly a good time. Anxiety attacks are stress and a desperate need for solitude. I want to shrink my surroundings. In fight or flight, I want the flight. I have to remind myself how these attacks are followed by a bit of depression. I forget that connection and I often let my depression make my choices. It then creates a positive feedback loop of annoying habits that create a cyclone of shitty karma. The real karma, the life is what you make it karma. The everything is the manifestation of your character and choices karma. Not the you get what you deserve karma. Metacognition is a lot of maintenance. It was easier when I was just reacting to everything. When life was something that was just happening to me. Things happen that I cannot control but I still have the ability to respond. I have a personal responsibility.
I spoke with Toni yesterday evening. It was like pulling teeth. I can read the subtext and fill in the gaps pretty well with people so I said what she wasn’t saying. She confirmed it. She is not confident that I can get a job and then keep a job during this recession/pandemic. I’m not fully confident either, tbh but it’s not impossible. My sister, whom I live with, wants me out by the first. She’s one who does not keep up with events. She’s not fully aware of how bad things are out there. She’s asking me to leave while I’m still trying to find work during a pandemic and during a record recession in which there is no recourse. Things are only getting worse. The COVID response did not save lives and it did not save the world.
Rock bottom. I’ve reacted a lot worse to a lot less. I’ve burned through my savings, my retirement and I’m almost out of my stimulus money and it just feels like the world just wants more and more sacrifices from me. World aside, just the people in my life that are all fine through all of this and they just seem to think that they have all the answers for me. You did this to yourself is my mother’s attitude. I don’t escape personal responsibility, anymore. However, I’m not psychic. I did not see this all coming. People are frustrated with me and impatient with me and it’s hard to remain graceful around them. It’s so much easier to feel happy when you can pay your bills and I can totally understand why people are overdosing at record rates and committing suicide at record rates during these COVID responses. When Hetal was in India, people who relied on selling their trade on the streets didn’t want to watch their families starve and suicide was a crisis in response to their lockdown measures. There’s no recourse and I’m mentally strong enough to handle it but if this was all happening just a few years ago I’m not sure I would be able to handle it. I’ve had my nervous breakdowns in the past but things had never been this hopeless. Faith will save me I keep saying. I can’t function well if I’m feeling burden and dread and anger. Everybody else gets to have some sense of normalcy and they get to look down on those who want these lockdowns and extreme measures to end so we can get back to work. We’ve been conditioned to view our freedoms as selfish. I almost envy their ignorance.
Speaking of ignorance. There are no like-minded people in my life. I don’t want to sound rude or hifalutin but they’re all ignorant. Ignorant like a child. They’re not living conscious lives. This is part of the reason I wanted to move to a different province. Not to find somebody who thinks like me but to escape those who do not. I used to relate to people who looked like me or had the same identities as me. I’ve expanded my consciousness, I’ve transcended my identities and I’ve unlearned so many polarized concepts and limiting beliefs. I’m unable to connect to them and they are unable to connect to me. It’s frustrating because it feels like I am trying to build a puzzle with pieces that do not fit. Nobody fits in my life, I don’t fit in theirs. They’re too ignorant. I don’t mean ignorant in the mean way. I mean it in a literal way. They’re just not evolving and they don’t want to evolve. They want so much out of life but do not want to evolve to do so. Their energy is just in my way. Their ignorance keeps everything shrunk and dull and simple and broken. Ok, mean rant over.