All mood no context. I have mood poisoning. To quote the overrated Beyonce I woke up like this. I suppose the dread I am experiencing is just my lack of control. I don’t have control of Toni and her indecisiveness about our living arrangement. I sent her a list of apartments that were in the areas we are willing to live in. With the price range we wanted. We can do better she says. Total disregard for my situations and circumstances as always. I don’t have control of the hiring processes. Get a job is all I can hear in my head. It has to be given to me. I don’t have control of my body. I have more control than most but my insecurities hit me this weekend. I see a specialist tomorrow about my hair loss. I just want to know if it’s stress or nutrition related. There is the circle of things I can control. The circle of things I can influence and the circle of concern, the things I can’t control. I can control my inner wellbeing and not be enslaved to my emotions. It’s simple but not easy.
I am in some pain. I went for a two hour hike with Bruce yesterday. I was already sore from my leg workout the day before but I want to be there for her when she wants company. She’s shrinking down fast. She was testing her ability to run. I’m glad that I am safe space for her. Ashley wants to see me today. I suspect that she will want to talk about Bruce. Ash ended their friendship when Bruce was unable to perform well as the maid of honour for Ash’s wedding. Bruce was going through a lot and had crippling anxiety. Ash can see that I’m spending a lot of time with Bruce from my stories on FB. I’m not going to give her any information about Bruce. I don’t pick sides, my loyalty does not work like that.
My mother has been pretty distant. She also cancelled Thanksgiving. I don’t know what to think. I’m going to try and reach out to her but I’m the last person she would want to speak to I feel. I’m opinionated which is a new experience for everyone. I have a lot of opposing views that my mother can’t forgive. She has no problem telling me when she doesn’t like the man I am. I suspect that she will do just that eventually.
Alright, I suppose I’ll go for a run and push through the pain. Go workout at the outdoor gym a few blocks from here. I would rather lay here with my cat all day but I can’t let my moods win. I’ll have to admit to myself here that I do not have much structure in my life right now. It’s not a permanent situation but I do miss Monday work weeks. It’s like a refresh, a reboot. I don’t have any reason to get out of bed. Especially when my cat wants to cuddle. Ok. I’m done whining. I’ll go be grown for the rest of the day.