calling all sleeps in 2020

6:35pm

Well look at this; two days in a row. I’m going to try to put some real effort here, but we’ll see.

Honestly my motivation for just about anything right now is super low. It’s so hard to get anything done when you feel exhausted all the time. I can’t figure out if it’s an internal thing or if it’s because I’m not sleeping well. Probably a combination of both.

Sleep really has been terrible though. I stay up too late avoiding it because I don’t want to suffer my way through it. And to be completely real here - I’ve been drinking too much because of it. I have tried multiple times to stop drinking before bed and go to sleep early. I drink water and try to relax. I get sleepy and choose to go to bed instead of fighting it or napping on the couch. Then I tuck myself into my bed and fall asleep. But the problem is that within a few hours I’m awake again and I spend the rest of the night tossing and turning. Unable to get comfortable. Feeling pain and discomfort at every turn.

Literally the other night I went to bed around 11:30pm, woke up by 1:00am, and spent the rest of the night sleeping anywhere from 30 minutes to maybe an hour and a half in between each wake up. It was hell. And that’s how most nights go.

Unfortunately when I drink I have been sleeping better. I have a few drinks before bed, get a nice buzz, and end up sleeping for a longer amount of time before I wake up. Now does it really make that much difference? I don’t know because I am staying up later when I drink, but it feels much more restful in the morning. It sucks. I wish it wasn’t like this but that’s exactly what I have noticed lately.

I guess I could try some kind of pill but they don’t seem to help me much during the day so not sure what it’ll do at night. It’s not like I want to pop a bunch of pills, that is not going to be any healthier, but I need sleep. If I can get some decent sleep for a few days maybe it’ll help me do other things to get healthy.

I bought that stationary bike but most days I can only find the energy to stare at it. sigh

It’s probably possible that I am in fact a little depressed right now. Which is so difficult to even consider because there is a huge part of me that’s happy. I’m happy when I’m with EC for sure! But I’m definitely not able to enjoy it the way that I want to. I think we could be having so much more fun if I simply had the energy and ability to do more.

That contributes to the sadness in so many ways. I feel like I’m doing him such a disservice. Like he’s suffering because of me and I hate that. I hate that I have to wonder if he’ll eventually leave me because I’m such a burden. The thought of that crushes me.

I mean, he hasn’t indicated that in any way whatsoever. In fact, he’s said the complete opposite, wanting to make this a forever thing. But I feel that way. I feel like a burden.

Not really sure how to stop feeling that way until I get healthy and it’s hard to do that without the energy to move. Vicious cycle ain’t it?

That presidential debate was a sh*t show tonight. Now I’m even more exhausted and sad for this country. Time to go relax.

rose.
8:31pm