feel some change in the weather in 2020

9:18pm

It’s interesting how when I need some thing the most, I tend to also avoid it the most.

Apparently my thing this year is to update about once a month. The problem is that I should be writing a lot more than that. I can feel my headspace is just completely stuffed with thoughts that would be better suited for the page. Some times I’ll be sitting around doing nothing and it suddenly feels like my head is clouded and every thing is all muddled. I feel like writing more will help with that, but I cannot seem to get it together.

2020 man, I swear.

Anyway, updates:

• Most importantly things with EC are going really well! There is so much I need to come in here to say but the short version is that I am really into him. We spend every weekend together and some days during the week when he hasn’t been busy with harvest. We’ve definitely talked about marriage and our future together. He likes to remind me that I’m stuck with him forever. haha. And I’m totally ok with that! I love that man!
  [But also I’ve been really in my head about it all and I need to find a way to work through this so that I’m not letting it mess us up]

• The fires have mostly cleared up in our immediate area but now they’re raging up north and so we’re still getting the occasional hazy day. I am so over all this smoke in the air. It’s killing my throat. [and the harvest season that was supposed to be really good this year!]

• Speaking of, yesterday marked 1-year out from my tonsillectomy and honestly my throat hasn’t been the same since. Even without the smoke in the air, I’ve had many a night where my throat feels so dry and I get an annoying cough. To the point where I would get paranoid about having the coronavirus. Except at this point I’ve had it for like 6+ months so I’m trying not to freak out at every symptom.

• This stupid virus already ruined my season and now it’s killing my off-season. I just want to go out to eat and sit in a nice comfortable booth instead of outside. And I want to TRAVEL!

• At least I got the Vegas trip, which was great. Everyone was safe and we had a nice time. I spent a lot of it cuddling EC in his room while we drank and watched TV. Ended up polishing off 2 bottles of Ciroc vodka and one Black Barrel Jameson. Because we’re those kinds of alcoholics. hah. But really we decided it was cheaper to just chill in the room and make our own drinks than go out. Less people too! Although we did have meals out with the family and visited the Eiffel Tower.

• That tower had beautiful nighttime views but I about died waiting in line and trying to walk around. My hip is absolutely killing me these days. My knees are swollen to the size of softballs and that is really impairing my ability to walk straight. It sucks and it is causing me so many issues. Every day is a struggle just to move. I know I need to do more to help my body fix this but I feel so disheartened by my latest experience with the rheumatologist that I don’t know what other moves to make. EC and I made a promise that we would get some of these things looked at before the end of the year so I need to quit procrastinating and do something. I’m leaning towards a quick visit with my primary care doc and maybe a referral to a dermatologist. We’ll see.

I am happy these days, but it’s hard to really experience and express that happiness when I’m also frustrated by the inability to be able to move the way I want/need to.

rose.
9:56pm