Life Rant in Current Events

First of all! I did throw a bit of a conniption over my meal when I met up with Toni. I got my usual Thai Curry bowl with Tofu and I ordered it vegan because that’s my business but that just ensures that they use the correct margarine. If it’s garlic then I know it’s vegan. I couldn’t taste the garlic so I refused to touch my curry until my server doubled checked with the back. Apparently they used the right ingredients, Toni was telling me that she could smell the garlic. Then when I finally started to eat my meal I couldn’t taste it. I could feel the tart, the heat from the chilli and the sweetness in the fruit was the only flavour that barely came through. I’ll drive down and get tested for COVID tomorrow. If having antibodies ups my chances of not needing the first-ever mRNA vaccine then I’ll take my chances with the .34% mortality rate. Fun fact: for a couple of weeks now, in the UK, more people have been dying from the regular flu than COVID-19 but shhh. Mainstream media doesn’t want you to know that.

Rant Time
Toni did it again. Backstory: we agreed to move in together. Then she wanted to wait to save money, then when she was ready I lost my job. Then she’s been all over the place. First it was us, then it was her wanting to move in with her fuckboy Bob. Then it was with Stacy. Now she’s at her parents Then she wants to move in with strangers. Now it’s with me again. So today, we finally got together to look up apartments. Now she’s changed the plan. Now she wants to move into her cousins house with me but they need to renovate and it won’t be ready until spring. She would not talk about anything else. I might as well have been talking to a wall. The plan was to find a fabulous affordable apartment. Now she is being passive-aggressive with wanting me to wait until spring. My sister and her husband want me out by the end of November. So she’s adamant about renting that house. Her unofficial compromise is us getting a cheap one bedroom and I sleep on a couch until spring because that house is her life long dream all of a sudden. This opportunity for her just came up today. I wasn’t ready for any of it. She is telling me that I get the basement. I am so sick of basements. First world problems, I know. She’s planned the whole house out already and it’s all about her and her life. The way she is talking made it clear that this house is hers and I’m just there. I don’t like that balance. Then she’s telling me that she is going to get me a job as a janitor. Like, I can’t stand when people think that they know what’s best for me. It’s just a lot to take in and I shouldn’t be surprised that she keeps changing the game plan on me. I don’t want to live on a couch until spring. I don’t want to live in the ghetto until spring. The house is just minutes from the heart of the North End which is inner-city realness. Renting something together while we go to school was the plan. She gets hooked on fantasies. Those fantasies create distance from her real problems and they never live up to her expectations and then she lives in regret until the next fantasy. Whatever or whoever it is.

I just ranted on the phone with Bev about it. This is not drama, I just needed to vent. She said what I was avoiding thinking about. My mother did also, yes I called her too but she added to my grievance by listing, in detail, all of my failures that led to this being my fault. I don’t have a victim mentality, I accept my personal responsibility for this and hearing it from someone else does not need to make me feel any type of way. That’s the story I am telling myself at least. Anyways! What they both said is that she is blowing me off. Toni is doing what I was doing when I was managing that restaurant. I hated it. Passionately for 13 years. I changed everything in my life so that I could make my job feel worth it. Nothing worked. That is what I recognize in her right now. She hates her job. She can’t stand being alone. She cleaves to anything that will create distance from having to deal with those two things. I’m one of them and once she realizes that she still hates her job and herself after a while of living together she will obsess over moving out with somebody else or think that I am the big problem in her life. I will collect myself and my thoughts and at least tell Toni how I feel. Just the part about how this sudden need to have that house in March isn’t necessary. We can find other options faster and make the best of that. Our goal wasn’t a forever home it was to go to school so we can do meaningful work later on. It was hard to talk to her today because she wasn’t responding to me, just kept pitching how this is the holy grail solution for everybody. Then when I tried to talk about myself she would text Bob. The fuckboy that is ruining her life but can’t quit.

The one thing that made me want to slap her, Cher style, was when I started talking about COVID stats around the world and she interrupted me with a condescending “do you really believe everything you see online? Then she told me about how superior she is at sensemaking and data collecting because of a Netflix series called the Social Dilemma. Then I explained that I didn’t watch it but I was like let me guess, social media has too many conspiracy theories and misinformation and affects voters and needs government regulation. She basically said that my assumption is the gist. That is a propaganda effort to make you feel all good and gooey and virtuous about government controlling the information on social media. Governments want to consolidate their control of information. She came around at least. She explained the dilemma of how people are leaving the left because of misinformation online. Yes. That is truthful but not true. It’s true that people are leaving the insane, radical and regressive left to be welcomed as refugees by conservatives because they redpilled and can see the dangerous neo-marxism that took over the liberal space and how debunkable the news truly is. 10 of the top 10 on social media are conservative. Ok, Ben Shapiro made that list twice. CNN tells one lie to their 8 million viewers and one independent conservative, not paid by politicians, tells the truth and reaches 100 million viewers. That is why Social Media is a dilemma. This is voter suppression. Ok, I need to stop and be done with the entry.

Last updated September 21, 2020