Dear John in All other relationships

Why do you keep coming back into my life? We met so many years ago online. I definitely wasn’t expecting to meet you. Your profile said you were separated and normally I never would have even responded to someone with that status but since you were in the military during active combat I figured I would entertain for a few banters just that one time… what could it hurt, right? Yaaahh… to this day I still have no idea how that fact got away from me. We just vibed so strongly I just never saw that coming. I completely lost sight of the fact that you were married which is something I take very seriously. There is no way I would ever chose to contribute to the pain of another woman by screwing with her husband. That is wrong!! Granted you and I never touched each other given we never met but I am pretty sure we talked about sexual things. To be honest I don’t really even remember much if any of that stuff as that isn’t what drew me in. We most certainly began an emotional affair. Once your tour was over was when things got dicey with us. You mentioned your wife and that was like a tko to me 😢 and the whole thing with your name and finally you promising you would reach out to me once you got situated. You ghosted me. That flipping hurt. Especially when we got pummeled with that storm and there was a state of emergency declared. Not a freaking peep. I mean that was unforgivable, right? But wait, there’s more. Then out of nowhere you text me and get me to light up again just so you can ghost me AGAIN. That is when I was done with you. I began to see things clearly… or so I thought. Then a few years later, you reach out again. When I ripped into you, How you responded I never saw that coming. My anger melted away with one explanation and heartfelt apology. You found a way to reach into my soul and pull me right back in. It felt good for a hot minute. Then I woke up and realized I didn’t want you to have that effect on me while I was trying to deal with everything I had going on and knowing you were still married. I dear Johned you and you respected my choice. Thank you for that. I know I kind of regretted that decision a little bit later when I was feeling lonely so I reached out in a moment of weakness. It was more of a therapeutic thing for me and I knew the likelihood of you even getting that message was slim to none. That is why I reached out again in April just to let you know I was thinking about you during the pandemic and I wished you and your family well and prayed for good health and it was sincere. I was surprised when you responded. I just kept it there for that reason.
When I got this last email from you that sparked the most recent string of emails… never have I ever thought that this would end up happening. I kind of feel like you were trying to trick me with what you said. But either way you pulled me back in pretty hard this time. You told me that you are getting divorced and I was so happy to read that. What in the hell kind of person am I??? What is wrong with me. I don’t know how I thought to ask if you filed papers and moved out but thank God I did! Thank God! Honestly I don’t understand how you are able to pull me back in the way that you do! I know you never lied to me about anything I just wish you didn’t reach out until the divorce is final. You got me hooked and now I have to wait again to get my fix.
*I am fully aware of how completely mentally ill this all sounds!!! I just need to put this out there in order to be able to get it out of my head. Thank God I did because now that I did I can see how crazy I really am 😢