Lockdown, the sequel. Coming soon to an Ontario near you. I tossed my resume around online in my city on Friday because I saw this coming. I suppose that I won’t be moving there too soon after all. I’ll apply to fast-food restaurants tomorrow. I just need something. I’m expected to move out by November. I don’t want this stress to crush me, I hate surprises and I hate not feeling in control. This is what it is. I just need to trust myself and the universe here.
I tried to watch Miracle Season on Netflix but I ugly cried after the girl passed away. She reminded me of my friend Mae who passed away at the same age. Mae’s anniversary was on the ninth. I suppose that would also be the anniversary of me coming out to my family that I am gay. On that note, gayness, I have a thing or two to say about what LGBT is today. I’ll save that for another entry.
I feel deflated, defeated and small today. I don’t feel like I am reaching people. Like I’m just shouting at the virtual world. I am tempted to vlog. I tried to record myself a few days ago and it was harder than I thought. I’m super self-conscious about so much. My gay voice being the main one. I need to get over it. I have social anxiety, I’m not the biggest fan of attention but I feel a calling to speak up. To put myself out there and voice my unpalatable opinions. If a straight white man says what I say the whole argument is void. Through the lens of the left, I might at least be heard as a Q-POC. So what’s the big idea here? That’s a good question. I don’t have a straight answer. Uninstall some programs in the mainstream consciousness? Help people through the illusion that is breaking down? I don’t know. I just feel it in me to be out there and I am resisting it like something fierce.
Anyways, I am just feeling some type of way right now. Emotions don’t exist as words so I don’t have any context for it really. I don’t know how to articulate it. I want to paint it, honestly. Blah, here’s to hoping I don’t toss and turn until 5 in the morning tonight. Ta