Why Feelings? in Questioning Everything

I am confused by everything I feel for her, right now. Well, maybe no confused, so much as worried. I know nothing will come of us, as I do not want to risk our friendship, and I cannot dedicate the time she deserves and do not want to cause her pain. However, that does not make her ever present mixed signals any less frustrating.

She knows of my feelings. Thankfully, nothing has changed. We still act normally, and so does everyone else. I feel bad that so many people are crushing on her at once, because she, as all of us do, has anxiety and does not want to hurt anyone, but what can you do? She is just that great.

I miss not having these feelings, though. We all sit close to each other, and she will often lean on my shoulders or rest against me while we all mess around on our phones (we are all one big snuggle group, and often joke that it is one big poly-amorous relationship), and I want to cuddle her. When she comes up to me and reaches her forehead to mine to tell me to come sit down, because I often stay standing while everyone sits, I want to kiss her. She is just so close, and is staring. She is giving all the right signals one moment, and completely different ones the next. I have no idea what to do with myself. I cannot think straight (no pun intended).

She is so adorable. I could write all day about her, but I would like to keep this short, as I am exhausted from having only gotten 2 hours of sleep last night when we were all together. My friend and I made the other two and the parents breakfast in bed and I was very happy. I also preceded to clean the entire kitchen for Mom (their mom) so she would be happy, too. We go there to hang out almost every time, so she is always buying us food and I wanted to do some thank you service, because she is amazing. Anyone reading this should know for a fact that I plan Mother’s Day gifts for her, too.

Anyways, signing off for, hopefully, some sleep.