Thank You To All in Reconstruction

  • Sept. 11, 2020, 2:39 p.m.
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I thank all of you who noted and discussed on my last entry! As I grow and determine how to be a Human Being instead of a Human DOING or a Human Pleasing I expect to have a lot more issues like this. Where I try to determine if my feelings and impulses come from an unhealthy place of “Have to worry about other people instead of myself at all times” or if they are part of who I am (being considerate and caring) without being unhealthy. I definitely expect this issue to come up a lot in the next year!!

A note reminded me that I did leave something out! I did ask my mom if the party could be done on Saturday. I don’t have anything scheduled, it is still the weekend, is that something that could work? The answer was no. My brother’s draconian COVID precautions can’t be rescheduled, interrupted, or altered. Which is just another one of those… maybe I’m feeling petty or butthurt but it once again reinforces the oft repeated (though this is paraphrased and interpreted) “Your brother has a child; you have no one. You are required to bend to his schedule and his needs because it is much more difficult for him to do things than it is for you.” Which is also likely why I mentioned the whole “man and lawyer” thing in a note. Because to my family… yeah, they love me and are proud of me and are concerned about me. But it always has to be on their terms because I’m just me. I’m the farthest away; I don’t have a grandchild; I don’t have (to them) any other obligations. So while they are concerned about me… they want to show that concern by having me come to them, by having me do things with them their way. Like… throughout the pandemic pre-Dog, Dad had been saying that he wants to come up and visit. He was getting almost annoying about it. We finally have a period of enough “calm down” that I say “Okay” and we make a real plan for them to visit. I buy food, their favorite drinks, I change the guest linens and have the guest towels put out. I even have the little Hotel Style Toiletries arranged for them. And obviously, this was important to me. I was going to have overnight guests for the first time since Nancy moved out! I was going to see my parents who had repeatedly stated their love and concern for me during these trying times! Less than 24 hours before they are supposed to be at my place? “We’re getting a dog. Can’t come visit.”
And now since they got the dog? It’s always “Come down, visit. Stay the night. You’re staying the night, right? You should stay the night.” And so I do. I went. I visited. I stayed the night. This was even RECENTLY too… like, if memory serves… it was August 29/30… so two weeks ago! And I told them I would stay the night, but I had to leave early the next day because I had errands to do. (Granted, it was shopping with Victoria for a photo shoot but especially in hindsight, I wouldn’t have traded that for the world!) So the morning I wake up and start packing… my Dad starts asking me to stay longer. No, I said I had things I needed to do. He says I have to stay until after church. No, I said I had things I needed to do. He says I at least have to eat breakfast with them. Mom comes in with, “Yes, do. I’m making XYZ and we’ll send you home with the leftovers.” Fine! I text Victoria that I’ll be an hour or two later than anticipated. Stay. Eat the breakfast. Go to leave. Dad, again, in on the “Can’t you stay longer? How important are these errands, anyway. You can always do them later.” GUH! NO! NO! I said I had things I needed to do. I gave you an extra HOUR more than I was going to. I’m sorry, but NO! And I left. Victoria was a little disappointed, as she had wanted to be out of the house before the Noon hour and I didn’t even get to her place until 1… but (another positive) unlike Nancy, Victoria instantly said, “But I didn’t communicate that properly to you, so that’s totally on me.”

So, I figure ultimately… what I should do is say “No, not gonna happen. Buh-bye” about Sunday and leave it at that. After all, as probably came out clearly up there, I’m a little personally miffed about how much I am expected to shift, move around, and react to all of them but never any of them doing that for me. BUT I am my mother’s son. Always find a compromise, always find a way to keep the peace, always find a way. So, I’ll call her back tonight. Find out if she even knows what TIME for the party. If it is some 11 to 4 thing, I can make it. If it is a Noon to 9 thing, I’ll say no. But even if I say no, I’ll respond with compromise. “What about, if it works for you guys, I come over Saturday for dinner? I have some stuff I need to do that can just as easily be done down there, easier even, so that could all work out. If so, cool. But DO tell Dad I won’t be staying the night. PLEASE communicate that to him.”
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As an added bonus… I’m going to talk about pain today. lol. So… it has been cold and rainy around here a lot lately. Increases my body pain and body sensitivity. And drives Nala crazy because she refuses to run around in the rain (imagine me setting up as much as I can to keep her from getting wet and trying to push her out the door and she keeps saying, “It’s not about getting wet, you fool, I can still HEAR IT!”

So, luckily, it stopped raining long enough to actually give Nala a walk yesterday! AND BOY did she need it. The whole walk she was at FULL SPEED, straining against the leash the whole time. Which would normally be irritating but not a problem. But… it was a problem last night. As we were walking across a very wet wooden bridge; I noticed a herd of deer only two feet away. Unfortunately, I noticed after Nala and my recognition came after she had started her chase… as she was already going at full tilt, this new Chase Energy was too much. She pulls so hard, and my feet slip on the bridge, and I’m airborne. Leash still in hand (thank goodness) I land HARD on the ground. My iliac crest hitting at the same time as my scapula. I hit the ground so hard I bounced and my glasses (which didn’t break, thank goodness) flew off my face into the grass. The interesting thing about it? It is very much like what normal non-chronic pain people tell me about when they get injured suddenly. At first, it didn’t actually hurt. I continued the walk with Nala. But as the adrenaline and shock of the sudden experience wore off? I was hurting. Bad. I had to slow down! Which of course terribly upset Nala who kept trying to make me go faster. Typically, when she’s like that I fall back on the training. Make her sit, make her realize that just because she wants to go faster doesn’t mean she can, take the time to deal with the issue, all of that. But I hurt too much to want to prolong the walk, so I just kept going at my slow pace, and every time I felt an especially insistent tug, I just tell her “You’re the reason we’re going slower!”

Well, as can be expected with a chronic pain sufferer especially in the middle of a dark and rainy week… sleeping on it did NOT improve matters. In fact, it seems that the acute pain spread to some of my more normally ‘throbby’ pain areas. So… yeah. Sorry, Nala. Even if it isn’t raining when I come home tonight? I’m… gonna jump straight into the bloody bathtub. Too much pain to even consider playing fetch or cleaning the kitchen. AFTER the bath, we’ll consider it. And only if it isn’t raining.
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Here’s a fun little politics game. So, as you know I am deep in the heart of Trump Worship Nation. Remus just texted me a legal question because he saw something that bothered THE HELL out of him and.... he’s right to be mad. Public Park had a VOTE TRUMP sign on it. PUBLIC park. See… here’s the deal. The City, The County, The State and all of their respective Parks Departments are not allowed to place political messaging on public parks. That is PUBLIC space not to be used to benefit any individual politician or political party. IF a candidate wishes to hold a rally or event there; fine, but the party and politician cannot place any political messaging at the park itself outside of the time of the event. SO one of the Trumpeters in the area would have had to intentionally take their sign, walk/drive it over to the popular public park, and place it at the entrance for everyone to see. Remus wanted to know the legality and if he would get in trouble if he removed the sign. My answer? If it is a truly public park, owned/operated by the local government- it may be taken down. If it is Private Property in any way, the owner of that property has the First Amendment Right to display that sign as a constitutional matter.
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GUH! Some work bullshit!! Kid kidnaps and rapes his ex-girlfriend. She tells her friend about it and they pluck up the courage to tell the cops. So he rapes the friend in punishment. He’s 16, these were truly heinous crimes; we’re charging him as an adult. His lawyer is arguing (vehemently) that the crimes couldn’t have occurred after his 16th birthday; which means Iowa Law does not allow him to be charged as an adult under any circumstances. GUH!
Now… honestly… if this were a 12 year old? The argument stands. As heinous as the actions were… short of brutal torture and murder… the argument stands. But this is a teenager that drove to TWO DIFFERENT COUNTIES to sexually assault TWO DIFFERENT GIRLS and KIDNAPPED ONE. I can appreciate the cries that “He’s just a young boy still mentally developing; he doesn’t know what he was doing!” But at the same time, and forgive me if this offends you, but BULLSHIT. This isn’t a 16 year old boy, drinking at a party, making a bad decision. This is a boy that (1) intentionally got into a car to drive to his ex-girlfriend’s house, (2) forcibly removed her against her will from where she was, (3) traveled across county lines, (4) forcibly committed a sex act against the vocal, repeated protestations of his victim, and then (5) intentionally sought out a second person as retribution and (6) forcibly committed a sex act against the vocal, repeated protestations of his victim. This isn’t “Teen makes bad decision and shouldn’t be punished for the rest of his life!” This is: Defendant launched an intentional CAMPAIGN of criminal activity that rises to the level of such heinousness that not charging him as an adult would be a miscarriage of justice. I just… I mean, I suppose I get it. The attorneys that get the highest pay, the most press… these are typically the assholes of the field because that’s how and why they get the highest pay and most press. But damn, dude.

This is why I would like to strongly advocate for adopting the Rules of Procedure for the International Court of Justice. The rules there? “Any evidence which may be more helpful for finding the truth, as opposed to simply making someone look bad, is accepted.” So… in OUR court… crazy hypo… lets say we’re prosecuting someone for Vehicular Homicide for running over a pedestrian with a Tank. The Defense Counsel would actually risk punishment if he did not object to (1) requiring court documents that prove a Tank is considered a “vehicle” by statute; and (2) that a Tank running over a pedestrian meets the legal definition of homicide. NOW we add more. There is video footage on Facebook of the Defendant shouting at the victim an hour before the accident where the Defendant screams “I’m going to get my vehicle and run your ass over, you piece of shit!” IN ORDER TO SUBMIT THAT AS EVIDENCE, we would need to (1) find the person who took that video, (2) Subpoena duces tecum to obtain a copy of that video; (3) have an officer review the video; (4) submit the video as proposed evidence; (5) call the original person who took the video to the stand; (6) verify that they took the video in question; (7) ask them about themselves and the video; (8) have Defense Counsel attempt to shake them with cross-examination; (9) then have the officer take the stand; (10) ask the officer about how he received the video and if he reviewed it; (11) have defense counsel attempt to shake him with cross-examination. AND Defense can and will be filing motions of Objection the entire time for literally any reason he can think of. AND EVEN WORSE… if the video comes out after the State has already submitted their case, but before the trial is over… we still (usually) can’t get that video into evidence for the jury to review. SO… in the US… it is possible to be on camera threatening to do something, doing that thing, and still legally being found Not Guilty. International Criminal Court? If the courts can verify the video is authentic and has not been tampered with? Submit it, it will be reviewed before judgment is entered. I don’t know. Sounds a bit better to me!
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I should be embarrassed about this. I should want to hide this fact, this little information deep down and not admit it or confess it to anyone. And I’m not going to do that. I’m going to speak up and share it. Because there are some places, some topics in which shame is good. But not all of them are.

My very good friend that I refer to as Buffy changed her FB Profile Picture today. Not surprising anyone… even after kicking Hodgkins Lymphoma in the ass, having two kids, and fighting 2020… she still looks amazing!! Honestly. It’s almost not fair to the rest of the humans that this woman can be so attractive and so sweet and so caring. Like… it is NO WONDER that when we were dating, I couldn’t even kiss her. She wound up with literally the perfect man for her and God has blessed those kids so much despite all of what they’ve gone through.

Here’s the thing, though. lol...... a few hours pass and I’m just… zoning out a bit… and my eyes see this small picture in the “rooms” heading on Facebook. And suddenly my eyes are drawn instantly to this picture I hadn’t seen there before. And (my eye sight is atrocious, btw) I’m squinting and just thinking, “Who is that attractive woman I somehow know?” I click on the picture? It’s Buffy. lol. Okay, yeaah. Duh.

But somehow, this makes me think, “I should FB search Victoria’s pictures.” That was the impulse. I don’t know why that chain of events resulted in that thought but it did. And this is, perhaps, what should embarrass me:

First picture that came up? I can’t, truly cannot, put into words what my face did or what I felt or thought. I lack the vocabulary, the very lexicon to describe it. I looked and… yeah, that was definitely Victoria… but.... okay, let me start this way. I first met Victoria as we were in the play. Her hair was cute, red, and a little higher than shoulder length. In the time that I have known her, she has only ever had hair that short or shorter (as she has buzzed her hair to an almost military crop). Also, and this is NOT to disparage her, I have only ever known her after she had her kids. She is very body positive but has made the statement that her kids “wrecked her tits.” Upon my confusion, she explained that the whole milk producing then deflating process changed the perkiness as naturally happens. SO.... that’s the woman I know who I said then and still say, “Is of such beauty that I find it difficult to accept that she is attracted to me.” So… THIS PICTURE was a bit… it was her prior to all of that. Hair down her back (full, thick, wild, and red), her body pre-mommy mode. If she is “photo shoot” beautiful now… she was fucking super model uber-gorgeous then. Like… this is a woman that is my friend, that I have a very close relationship with, that I even have a sexual relationship with… and knowing the woman in this picture is the same woman? I got… lightheaded. Had I known her then… she possessed the type of beauty I would have raved about here while crying in frustration that I could never find the confidence to talk to her. Wait… have I explained that before? Let me try so I don’t confuse anyone:

Chris is an actor and was always fairly good at faking confidence. But when it came to women? The women he found attractive, he could talk to but he was clumsy, goofy, typically came off as a guy that just… didn’t know what he was doing in life. But the women Chris found breathtaking? He couldn’t even form words. Like something out of a bad Disney script, if he found a woman truly enchanting, he’d go MUTE. Perhaps the best example of this comes from when he was working at Best Buy. Chris was known as a talkative, funny guy who could help people pass the time by engaging in small talk, serious talk, or just joking around. If Chris was working, you could rest assured it wouldn’t be quiet for long. But then the manager was interviewing a beautiful Asian woman and brought her back to Chris’ department to show her around. They were there for probably ten minutes in all; but the manager was very aware of Chris the whole time. After they left and after the interview was over, the manager came back to talk to Chris. They said, “That is the most still, the most quiet I have ever seen you. Ever.” Because you see, friends… if a woman is VERY MUCH the enchanting, incredible beauty that trips most to all of Chris’ particular triggers? He becomes like a statue.

Victoria, in these pictures, fits that description. There were always two dreams. Either the beautiful Asian woman or the beautiful freckled Red Head. And I’m going over all of it in my head. (1) “I would have never even spoken to this woman in most scenarios in my life”; (2) “Imagine, not only the fun stuff, but the friendship you would have missed out on due to being cowed by your insecurities!” Then of course the mind shifts to… (3) “Dude… you’re having a sexual relationship with this woman. THINK ABOUT THAT. A woman whose beauty would have otherwise made you go MUTE is attracted to you and enjoys a sexual relationship with you!!” But here’s the thing… My self doubts and insecurities are never far from mind so I start to think, (4) “Maybe that’s part of the whole Mom-Bod experience. She may feel less attractive; and as we all age, many of us begin to feel that way, and so she just feels like she’s fallen so far that someone like you will do.” Which… I mean, obviously that part isn’t true AT ALL. This woman is very aware that she can grab attention and does so frequently. It’s just… that’s the “low brain” part of me. The part that is so dedicated to kicking me has, like a good villain, learned that when you’re kicking me you also have to kick someone else. Because I’ll go to bat for the other person. Which means I’m not defending myself. So you have to kick them while kicking me so that you get a better shot at kicking me. AND LOOK AT THAT! IT WORKED! This whole thought process started with “Holy Shit you guys as hot as Victoria is now, she was OMG!!!” but it ended with dour depressing shit.
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This is getting… irritatingly… long I’m sure. So I’ll finish with this:

Do not listen to Skip Bayless.

This is the kind of thing that creates the problem in men that we have seen so much. This guy is saying that “as a leader” Dak Prescott (QB for Dallas) should not have come out about his depression or anxiety. That, a leader, shouldn’t show such signs of weakness. Guys, this is very sincerely how we’ve come to where we are. A man needed help to be better for himself, his family, and the team he leads. He got that help. He is now better for himself, his family, and the team he leads. He wanted to share this with others so that they would not abstain from getting help to be better for themselves, their families, their communities. And he’s jumped on for it because it shows “weakness”. We have to stop that bullshit toxic narrative. MEN HAVE EMOTIONS and we shouldn’t penalize them or insult them for it. MEN CAN SEEK HELP and we shouldn’t penalize them or insult them for it. MEN NEED AFFECTION and we shouldn’t penalize them or insult them for it. MEN WANT TO FEEL HEARD AND UNDERSTOOD and we shouldn’t penalize them or insult them for it. We, all of us, need to STOP trying to lop off parts of the human experience and say “This is girls, this is dudes.” NO. NO. NO. Men need to be free to be human and we shouldn’t penalize them or insult them for it.

Mamie September 11, 2020

Men do have emotions and it is healthy to express them... to hell with the toxic masculinity bullshit

girl in recession September 11, 2020

That's how things are with bf's family too. His brother has the grandkids, we have nothing but ourselves, AND bf is the youngest of three boys so we get the shit end of EVERYTHING at family events. Rarely do we even get a BED to sleep in (usually pull out couch in a main area or a twin bed that we have to move aside and just sleep on the floor) It's really no surprise that I have zero desire to do Christmas with his family ever again even tho we've been doing it every year for the past 8 years. I'm kind of just DONE and ready to live for ME now...

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