Spirituality, to me, is the unseen. The world of emotion. The soul, as it were. I can’t pinpoint when I started to awaken. When I made this shift in consciousness. I do know what the thought was. It’s not my life, it’s me. It was never the content in my life that wasn’t working it was the context of my life that wasn’t working. I’ve been through many lows and this time last year I was getting over a pretty bad job loss. That induced enlightenment. Enlightenment just being unawareness to awareness. These terms, awakening and enlightenment make others think that I’m in a new age cult. I was accused several times of being mentally ill or unstable here on PB for discussing these things. You’re an asshole and I think you live in some fantasy world man get help. Spirituality is inner engineering. Enlightenment is not exactly an awakening, it is a homecoming. It’s a homecoming because you discover your true self. The higher self. It’s a hard concept to grasp as most, generally, identify as the ego but the ego is just a tool. We are so much more.
I’ve discovered many spirit guides along the way. All of whom have varying concepts. They help me conceptualize my experiences. Most of what exists in our lives is not real. Constellations do not exist as constellations in the sky they exist in our concepts. I don’t know how to articulate a lot of my experiences because they do not exist as words. Guides help me with that. I do not want to be a slave to my limiting beliefs and to my anxieties and fears. They help me with that. The beliefs I unlearned this time last year were biggly. I unlearned identity. I can participate but I do not belong to them. We are not genders, we have genders. We are not sexual attractions, we have sexual attractions. We are not ethnicities, we have ethnicities. I was just reflecting back on what I thought society wanted me to be. Those are just accumulations of my body and my mind. What I accumulate can be mine but they can never be me. They’re not who I am, they’re what I am. You are a gay man, that is who you are. My therapist said repeatedly during one of our sessions. I can change who I am, I cannot change that. That is not who I am, that is what I am. I explained. This was a high concept to him and it left him gagged. We are also not religions, politics and nationalities etc. Those are just accumulations of beliefs and values. We do not exist as them. We are just consciousness having a temporary human experience and damn Daniel damn, we are living in a strange time. A time in which identity has never been so radicalized.
This matrix, this reality tunnel… this real world if you will is one giant agreement that we are born into. We all agree to believe that the world exists this way. That it has borders, laws, roles, currency and that we are separated by race, creed, politics and gender. This radicalized identity politics in 2020 is a weird thing to witness when you have my optics. It’s terrifying. My spirit guides have been quiet on this, except one. He is not white so in 2020 that gives him permission during these strange times. Everybody wants to be counted and that is being exploited by powerful sources. The esoteric side of my spirit guides calls for lightworkers to start speaking up to help bring humanity to higher consciousness. To enlightenment, to their true selves. Not everybody is going to make it and I just don’t see how we’re going to get people to transcend their identities and ego. I understand the urgency at least. My reach is not far enough. I need to work on that.
Current world events aside, I’m just feeling disconnected from my life. I feel lonely. I don’t fit in my life anymore. I don’t relate to people the way that I used to. I used to relate to people that looked like me or that had a similar identity to me. Now I want to relate to people that think like me. That’s just not here. My family and friends, even here on PB, cannot connect to me the way that they used to. I used to be malleable, I repressed a lot into the shadow-self. The shadow self being a containment of the sides of your personality that you repress to fit into society. I’m more intractable now. I’m opinionated. I’m vocal. I don’t let people take my narratives away from me. They don’t like this “new me”. It’s not hard but it ain’t easy being around loved ones that feel disappointed in me for changing.
I am falling back into my old fucked up shit. (That shit just being neurological, my attachments are not obvious huge things that fuck a person up.) I try to be honest when it happens. The mistake I’m making here is that I am forgetting to have faith. This drama and upset is making me short-sighted. I’m forgetting to look forward to life. Where I’ve added new employment, new people, new habits and when things will be stable again. Faith is not my strong suit but I have to cleave to it and let it pull me through this.
Last updated September 11, 2020