Today I am staying busy with work and trying to get things accomplished that I did not or could not accomplish last Friday, Monday, or Tuesday. So that should keep me busy. However, things that should take me twenty minutes are taking me an hour. So I’m fairly certain that there is still some particular Fibro Fog going on.
Last night, Victoria and Remus and their 2 kids came over. Followed shortly by Victoria’s bff (I’ll call her Essen) and her three kids. So… five children under the age of 10 running around the house. Nala was first very excited, then very overwhelmed, then a little scared, then a little too playful. lol. Ultimately… it wasn’t… it was neither fun nor unfun truthfully. I was happy that my home and my dog were adequately sized to allow Victoria and Essen to catch up. It was nice to meet Essen. And some conversations were had. A bit. But obviously when you have five small children running every which way; the majority of the conversations are a few words followed by “Put that down!” or something similar. Which again… is fine. It’s important to me and for me to engage socially with people and it honestly helped me A LOT with my room anxiety. So all good. Just… it is its own, very unique experience to have a bunch of kids running around the house.
As to the room anxiety:
As I was giving Essen a tour of the house, I realized that I really did have the answers the whole time. Which is why it is SO important for me to be around people when I’m trying to figure anything out. Because it’s tough for me to BE IN THE MOMENT and not spiral out. So just having someone around that is thoughtful and interacts makes a huge difference. And what I figured out was… even if they never get used… I want to do this:
Basement space stays a couple’s guest room. I like the idea that I intentionally and specifically separated the Couple’s Guest Room from the remaining living quarters because (and I’ll be direct here) yes, if I have guests coming over that decide to fuck… I want to give them some privacy to do so because yes… enjoy your stay. As for the extra space? I’m being hopeful about it. Because it is just enough space to comfortably fit a crib/feeding station/new baby set up. And yes. So whether for me or for visiting friends or for whenever… there is sufficient space there to be welcoming to a new family… even if it’s mine (as the master bedroom has no additional room for a crib or anything like that. SO… the upstairs. I want to keep the Single Guest Room a Single Guest Room. Call it MBFITWW’s room or whatever you like but… having a room where someone can just crash makes me feel like a good host. And while MBFITWW would be fine with an air mattress or a couch (prefers couch, mostly)… it is important to me that a guest has their own space where they can close the door if they have a phone call or don’t want to deal with me/the dog. So… yes. At the end of the day, this means I may have two Guest Rooms and wind up never having Overnight Guests. And purchasing replacement items for the upstairs Guest Room may seem stupid. But… it really is what I want to do. As for the last room? I’ve given it a lot of thought. And I believe I can pull of the “Two Rooms in One” thing. To the casual observer, big leather chair, soft lighting, some book cases filled with books. It’s a nice little study, or a cozy library. The other side of it, though, if you look more closely at some of the leather furniture or open the closet… it’s an adult playroom. NOW OBVIOUSLY that’s a little ambitious. A little presumptuous. And maybe even a little silly at this point. But purchasing a few items of Kink Furniture isn’t a bad idea. And a small library… a room without a television… wouldn’t be a bad idea. AND THEN as I was watching everything play out last night… I had even another idea. IF Nancy takes both dinning tables (she can, they both came from her parents)… then I get a big dinning room table for the dinning room and a smaller table for the basement which would give me enough space to more sincerely consider buying a pool table. IF Nancy takes the downstairs dinning room table but not the upstairs? Put the upstairs dinning room table downstairs, buy a nice dinning room table that can expand (one w/leaves) for the upstairs… and have enough space downstairs to more sincerely consider buying a pool table. IF Nancy takes the upstairs dinning room table but not the downstairs? Put the downstairs dinning room table upstairs, buy a smaller table for the basement which would give me enough space to more sincerely consider buying a pool table. IF Nancy doesn’t take either table? Put the downstairs dinning room table upstairs, put the upstairs dinning room table downstairs which would give me enough space to more sincerely consider buying a pool table.
So… I’m feeling a lot more… balanced about that.
Went to sleep. I think my body was aware of the recent time tables, lol. Last Tuesday… Victoria and I engaged in extended sexual activity. Last Wednesday, we just hung out the two of us. Last Night, we just hung out big group style. Tonight, I’m going to that You Don’t Know Jack event with Remus. So I woke up and my body was like, “Wait. So… no sexual content? Like… no hugs or kisses even? We waited a week and now you’re saying we have to wait more?!” So… I may have woken up a bit randy this morning. lol.
Still gray, cold, rainy. Likely to be that way all week. Poor Nala. She hates the rain. Hate hate hates it. I think if there was just lightning and thunder and NO rain, she’d have no issues with stormy weather. But rain? She won’t leave the house. Not on a leash, not under an umbrella, hates it. So before I left for work today, I decided to turn the TV on in the bedroom and let her lay on the bed with the sounds of TBS. Hopefully, she’ll sleep and be comfy.
Then when I got to work, I did the Temperature Scanner that we now have for COVID checks. I always read low, but this morning was a new record. 96.0 Degrees exactly. So yes, people… I keep saying… I am Mr. Freeze. lol. But really. Even my friends on Sunday were reminiscing that I would make little “ice vests” for myself when working physical labor jobs and the damned thing would be nothing but warm water within 10 minutes. “But wait? If you have a lower internal temperature, how can that be?” Because when I work, start moving, start getting going… my better kicks into “Sweat like an geyser we need to cool down immediately” mode a LOT faster. My theory. Because instead of your body kicking in at 99 degrees to cool yourself down… mine kicks in at 96.2 degrees. So when everyone is at 99… and you guys are starting to sweat… I’ve been going foot to the pedal for 2.8 degrees already!
Work is.... well… we’re in overdrive here. Jury Trials start up again next week. So we’re trying to get everything squared away in a bunch of cases all at once; while of course, also receiving new cases by the truckload every day. So struggling to stay on top of things is even more difficult. Add in the weather, my body pains, and just… the flustercluck of 2020 currently in place? It’s… it’s a bit emotional taxing. But honestly- not quite as bad as it will be. October is coming. Though it does make me think of my Law School Days a bit. Back then everything was theory and high minded and we discussed and debated meaning and interpretation and application. The actual reality of law? SO MUCH different. There is no time for theory, or high mindedness. It’s simply, “Get what you can from this and move on.” It’s like an entire profession of people who were instructed in how to play the flute, the harp, the lyre… and were then required to form a professional heavy metal band. I mean… we can make it work; but that’s kind of a big shift!
As proved by my last 6 hours of work non-stop. When I say non-stop I mean… bouncing. Finished drafting this motion, click “file”, phone call, hang up the phone, e-mail comes in, click “send”, different phone call, hang up, back to drafting motions. Over and over… straight. Six hours. I haven’t even prepared for my 16 hearings for tomorrow! Thank crap there are so few as opposed to the usually dozens and dozens!!
OH… yeah, I was so busy that I didn’t even have time to write this. SO… I get NO response to my text messages from Nancy. NONE. Nothing from texting, nothing from messenger, nothing from e-mail. Nothing. Which is why I’ve scheduled a phone call so that I can at least leave her a message. Because we do still absolutely 100% need to talk. Even if just about deadlines, time tables, and keys. Because I still have a key to her car and vice-versa. Communication needs to happen.
But then… around noon today… I get a text message from her. “I’m going over to the house to do some packing.”
I mean… great? Cuz you should get your shit out of my house. And at least you told me you were going to go over there this time. But… yeah. Can we have a dialogue of some kind? Can you maybe work with me here a little more? I mean- I know you’ll all say “change the locks” but it is more than that as she still has a garage opener, too. And I do actively want her to get her shit out. And with Nala hating the rain, it IS good for Nancy to be in the house… even if she ignores the dog, at least Nala will feel like someone is there that can let her out if she whines loud enough. But yeah. This “I’m not engaging in communication with you, btw, I’m going over to the house while you aren’t there and I’m going to move things around and remove things.” That’s.... bothersome in the extreme. And I could get naval-gazey about my emotions on this… feeling a lack of respect, a lack of personhood, a lack of care… but why? We’re getting divorced for a reason. That reason having a gigantic underline on the exact behaviors she is currently exhibiting. This is just part of the process of “THIS is why we’re getting divorced, specifically so that I don’t have to deal with this kind of thing anymore.” Le sigh. After I make the phone calls… I don’t expect any more cooperation or assistance or respect but… at least maybe POSSIBLY I’m kind of HOPING that… there will be some kind of understanding or agreement. Like… yeah, I know you have a busy schedule. So do I. And I get that you’re juggling a 2 class schedule and a part-time job while still trying to be a big part of your new boyfriend’s life… get that. Whereas I’m trying to work a full time attorney job while taking care of the dog. But, and I hate to say it like this because it may imply some untrue things, YOU MAY NEED TO SPEND LESS TIME WITH YOUR NEW MAN in order to finish your marriage properly. Show me an iota of the respect owed to me here. Jeez.
In other news, it’s funny. I was looking at the clock thinking “Okay, I have to hit the store, give Nala a walk, and then Remus will pick me up at 6:30 so....) but the truth is… will Nala even go on a walk?? If it isn’t raining, I obviously have to try so that WILL happen (if conditions are good). But… poor dear. If she doesn’t get a walk today, she’ll lose her damned mind. It’s happened before. There was a stretch where we had four solid days of rain and it was a battle just getting her outside to pee. And she was miserable because she had all that energy so every single second there were people she would whine for play and interaction.
Hey… at least I’ve pretty much figured out the room issue, right?