Oh boy, how do I start this one? All of my entries in this diary have been very heavy. I was in such a deep dark place and I was trying to find my way out. I spent days/weeks/months in bed wishing for death. Just dreaming to die. When my husband would suggest getting a gun I would say right to him if you want me dead do it, because I know I will probably pick it up one day during a moment when it is just THAT dark and shoot myself.
I had friends that tried to help me, but they couldn’t. There was no way for them to help me because what I needed they couldn’t provide, they couldn’t advise, they just had no clue. The entries I wrote here helped for a teeny bit. They helped me to get some of the pain out. They helped me to face what I had hidden from myself for my whole life.
In some ways I feel really weird sharing this. It is such a deep personal thing. But on the other hand who knows who will be reading this, and how it could possibly effect them. I am not ashamed to share something that has brought me SO much joy, but it also is something that could possibly be difficult to understand.
The dates of my last entries are later than the start of this story. My life was at the lowest it has ever been, which is like the dregs of the most stinky wine barrel ever. Out of nowhere I received a message on FB messenger from a LDS missionary. He simply said thank you for being nice. He had written a question on a group I am in and in it he asked what you did when you see a Mormon missionary. In short I said be nice.
We then exchanged messages daily. He kept telling me that God loved me, and I kept telling him that he certainly did not. He didn’t. There is no way God loved me. My life was worse than a wreck. Bad thing after bad thing happened to me. Deaths, layoffs, loss of a house, living in a RV to try to not be totally homeless, depression. Deep dark black depression with no hope whatsoever ever. No, God might love you, or my kids, or anyone, but he sure did not love me.
A few weeks of chatting and he asked if I ever thought about reading the Book of Mormon. Ummmm no. shrugs But after some thought I figured why not. I downloaded the app for it and started to read it. We discussed it and it was interesting.
Then he started (actually, he might have been saying it all along, but I was so depressed everything is a little fuzzy) saying I should pray. I said, listen, God doesn’t love me and my prayers are gimpy. They don’t work. FLAT OUT DO NOT WORK. No point in it. But I did like talking to him, and he is beyond nice…so on July 26th I did a thing…
I read the Book of Mormon, and when I was done I prayed as sincerely as I could, God, if you love me please show me.
The most amazing thing happened, and in all honesty I could never have imagined it. I have no idea how it happened, or anything before, but suddenly my whole being was enveloped in this feeling of total and pure love. It was the best feeling in the world, better than anything I had ever felt before. I just sat there and soaked it in and I could not move for over an hour.
When I started coming back to reality I felt amazing, like the best I had ever felt. And the pain I had from my parents dying was gone. That deep dark pit of despair from not having my Mother, which had been there since her death in 2007. It was gone. The depression that had plagued me from childhood, gone! Not even a tiny ribbon of it was threading it’s way inside of me. All I had was pure joy and happiness.
I knew without doubt that God was real and he loved me. I wasn’t even mad that I had to go though all that pain, because I was just that happy. I don’t even care now. I mean, I do have a curiosity about it, but without pain and sorrow how can you know joy and happiness? Right now I am as happy as I was when I was depressed. Imagine that! I was SO depressed, there was no way out. I could not do it, no one could help me. Now I am SO happy I have no words for it.
But I won’t stop there. I was also baptized and confirmed this past weekend. It was beyond amazing. BEYOND! And the most amazing thing is that before all of this I was so anti-Jesus I wouldn’t even say his name. I would use the name that Jews use which is like a swear word that means may his name be blotted out.
Yes, it is kind of a shock to me. But know what? He forgave me, and He loves me, and He healed me! This isn’t to say that I am not terrified of it coming back, but since I have never ever in my life had not even a thread of depression, I think it is gone for good. I have been like this for 43 days. And get what else?!?! I don’t hate people anymore! Oh I used to be a real people hater. I only liked like 10 people and only loved like 5. Now I am like I love you and you and you and lets have a great big hug and before, let me tell you, I was NOT a hugger AT ALL!
I realize that I failed to mention earlier that in the past I had prayed and asked and begged for God to do something. I remember going on my knees in college and just crying out to God to help me. I went to zillions of churches. I went to Messianic Synagogues and then to Orthodox Jewish ones. Nothing, it was like He wasn’t there. I just have to trust that I had to go through all of that for a reason, and that this was the perfect time for me for this other stuff to happen.