So… wanting to take control and live my bloody life… while still being a good and decent fellow… I asked Nancy what she had planned for Monday, the Bank Holiday. Of course… she responded quickly with “Spending the day with (Name of Boyfriend).” K. Not surprising. But I responded with, “We really do need to talk about some things. Getting everything resolved and finalized. I’d appreciate it if you could carve just a little bit of time out for me.”
Of course… crickets and no response. Which is exactly like her this whole time. If I ask a scheduling question: Here are my excuses. If I say, “This needs to happen.” I get nothing. And ultimately? Even more so?
I get that she’s just throwing any excuse out there so she doesn’t have to deal with something that is difficult or hard. But for her to keep using the excuse of her new boyfriend? That just… feels extra crappy. Just a little bit more of that “I told you that you were crap for 9 years. I replaced you within three weeks. I don’t even care about the dog or my belongings or following a court order because I want to spend that much time with him. Because you were and are crap.”
Just… kind of how it feels.
And honestly? I know Victoria would pop in and remind me that I’m not crap and that I’m in a better space now because I’ve got someone in my life that treats me more like a person and less like a Care Giver and how that person has also given me more sexual experiences in a matter of weeks than I got in many years of my marriage… and that’s all true and it’s all appreciated but… at the end of the day? It just isn’t the same. I like whatever my relationship is with Victoria. FOR THE PRESENT, it is absolutely wonderful and perfect. But there’s always that extra little bit. That little voice in the back of my mind that keeps me honest. The one that reminds me routinely that this isn’t a “long haul” deal because it isn’t something that I can get any of my emotional or romantic needs met. It’s wonderful to have a friend genuinely help me to understand communication and boundaries and show me some of my co-dependent ways… and it is brilliant that this is a woman who is free enough to come over to my house to masturbate in front of me or give me a blow job or tell me how to eat her or have actual sex with me.... that’s all good. But at the end of the day… the rule is, she doesn’t sleep here. She’ll get a Bed and Breakfast with her boyfriend… she’ll sleep at her own place with her husband (duh) but… that isn’t what we have. And sometimes… just sometimes… like when Nancy continues to throw the fact that I was easily replaced at me.... sometimes I wish for different.