Therapy in Reconstruction

  • Sept. 4, 2020, 1:26 p.m.
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  • Public

Therapy was good today.
I was not.

Last night, my pain was bothering me. I took a late soak. Fell asleep in the bathtub. It drained. I became cold. I sleepily walked to bed and curled up in the covers.
So… slept through the morning. Then my therapist’s office lost internet and she had to get a workaround going and it took some extra time. SO… let’s just call this a sick day no call/no show, I suppose :(

But therapy was good. We discussed how Victoria telling me I wasn’t responsible for her pain made me feel and how that reflects on what the relationship with Nancy was like. In a word: Co-Dependent. Years and Years of a woman who wouldn’t do anything; making me the person who did everything, and was made to feel responsible for taking care of her. So especially in the current time where I feel so much of life and the world is out of control… what can I do to reassert control over my own life while also realizing and accepting that I am not responsible for taking care of Nancy. CASE: Her shit in my house. I don’t need to convince her or ask her or incentivize her to come get her property. She’s been out of the house since March. When you move, typically a Landlord gives you 30 days max to get your shit out. She’s had over six times that amount of time to get her shit out. Collecting her property is her responsibility. Wanting it out of my home or at least know what things are/will actually become mine? That’s me. So I need to tell her to be responsible or there are consequences. And then… work diligently over the next many months to cure my codependency.

Here’s the plan.
Nancy has until the end of September to at least provide me with a list of the large furniture items she is taking.
Nancy has until October 17 to grab all the smaller shit she wants to take from the house.
DEADLINE: All of her stuff needs to be out of the house by the end of October or I will spend the first week of November determining what I want to keep, what I want to sell, and what I want to give away.

Problem is… I think everyone here knows she isn’t going to do the first two things. So I really need to be able to follow through with the END DATE consequences. Which are most assuredly going to be difficult for me.

AppleGirl September 04, 2020

Pack literally everything in the garage. Tell her if it’s not gone by the end of September you are either donating it or throwing it away. Then do it.

If I was able to do that to my father, you can do it to your soon to be ex wife.

You teach people how you want to be treated by what you allow them to do to you.

hippiechica15 AppleGirl ⋅ September 04, 2020

I have to agree with this. It's time to get tough.

Firebabe AppleGirl ⋅ September 04, 2020

Have to agree with this one. Even breaking it into giving you a list, and then removing small stuff...naw man. That's still too enabling. Pack it ALL up, put aside, give her till the end of the month to come get all of it. She's had plenty of time to figure out what she wants. The fact that she's already had six months to pick things up and hasn't? That just means she doesn't really need any of it. If she did, she'd have gotten it already. At this point you're just her friendly neighborhood U Store It, which she's using FOR FREE.

Set your boundaries and stand by them, and people will learn to respect them.

girl in recession September 04, 2020

That's tough. it sounds like she was preying on your caretaker ability/desire and continues to do so.

Years ago I lost my job and couldn't afford the studio apartment I was renting, so I lived out of my car while subletting the place to a friends' friend who was in town from Florida (I was living in Oakland California at the time)... about two months had gone by, and unbeknownst to me this person moved into their own place and was sub-subletting my place to another dude, no clue who he was. I found this out and I was raging mad. Subletting in the first place was illegal, and I was only doing it because I trusted the friend.

So, I drove over to the studio, let myself in, loaded up my car with all of this person's shit (which, surprise, included a gun?!??!), and dumped it on the sidewalk in front of the "friend"'s new apartment. I texted him to let him know all of his friends shit was on the sidewalk and to figure out what to do with it because neither of them were allowed in my studio anymore. Oh, and that there was just a gun laying on the sidewalk that was his.

He came out immediately and started moving his friends stuff into his apartment. I didn't exchange one word with him and never saw him again. I was so fucking angry. I guess I learned my lesson to never do anyone a favor like that ever again.

hippiechica15 girl in recession ⋅ September 04, 2020

DAMN that's a power move you pulled!! You should have been pissed!!

girl in recession hippiechica15 ⋅ September 04, 2020

Yeah, you gotta be Oakland when you live in Oakland! I like to think I have since mellowed out, but bf says I have not.😂

hippiechica15 girl in recession ⋅ September 04, 2020

LMAO and growing up in Boston is nothing to snort at either!! Where is your BF from?!

girl in recession hippiechica15 ⋅ September 04, 2020

Yeah Boston + Oakland has formed me into some sort of asshole badass, I don't know how bf handles me.

He's from waaaay northeastern California, he grew up on a farm in a town of 500 people. He's like, the nicest most trusting person you'd ever meet.

hippiechica15 girl in recession ⋅ September 04, 2020

What a combo!!

girl in recession hippiechica15 ⋅ September 04, 2020

I like to think that he makes me be a nicer person, and I help him stand up for himself more and have more of a 'tude ;)

hippiechica15 girl in recession ⋅ September 04, 2020

I meant that in a very positive way, as you nicely summed up here :D

Firebabe girl in recession ⋅ September 04, 2020

That is such a power move. I love it!

Always Laughing September 04, 2020

I think one or 2 dates is sufficient. First date set can be for the list, second date is pickup deadline. If things aren't gotten by then, she has no claim on anything.

DE_KentuckyGirl Always Laughing ⋅ September 04, 2020

yes. She can make a total list. She has time. Her lack of motivation is not your problem.

DE_KentuckyGirl September 04, 2020

"What you allow is what will continue"

Park Row Fallout DE_KentuckyGirl ⋅ September 04, 2020

This is... damn true. And a big part of what I need to heal. I don't want to come off as a bad guy or demanding and even knowing that Nancy has had loads of time to resolve the issue... this is just what I am trying to unlearn

-d September 04, 2020

Make sure whatever dates you give her, you put in writing. If you get rid of someone's stuff it's technically stealing, unless you can prove abandonment.

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