I woke up to an epic battle between my cats. I wanted to get up early anyway. Especially after the dreams that I had. In the first dream, I got to relive losing my job of 13 years but this time on my terms. In the second dream, I was walking through a labyrinth that was inside a pyramid. The pyramid had something to do with the distance between the earth and the sun. Like, wtf? It is the third dream that I am grateful that my cats woke me up from. I told my mother about my plans to move and she completely burst my bubble. She laid out all of my concerns and fears that I have been suppressing. Those will not serve me. They will stop me and that is why I am moving. To get away from everything and everyone that is holding me down. However, I do know that my overthinking does come with gifts. I know what I am afraid of and I can prepare. I do not need to overprepare here so I’m just overriding that. The ego is a great tool but I am trying to be in charge here.
My chest feels tight. I’m definitely not on my meds. I feel more alive. At least more emotional. My empathy is back. I’ll just randomly feel all the hurt in the world. Children, it’s always children. Even as a child it would keep me up. The hurt and confused children in warzones. Those in sex-trafficking, getting raped in mosques in Syria, those who do not have a meal to eat today. I can’t. I just want to save them all.
I am giving politics a tiny break to get back into the content that gives me health. Nutrition & Wellness. I don’t have to go to a college or university to get a degree in this. If I can skip that I will. Speaking of politics, when I was watching a lesson on how to subvert countries and one of the tactics they have is to destabilize education by adding an obscene amount of useless studies. This way people graduate with degrees they can’t use and have debts they can’t pay off to help them get seduced by big government promises about “free education”. I only brought that up because it is the first-year courses that I am really trying to avoid because some of the courses are useless and I don’t want to pay for them. Also, that is where we are, subversion wise. For shits and giggles, I’ll list a couple more things they use to destabilize democratic countries to help steer people into a crisis for Big Gov to “fix.” The first thing they do is slowly change the culture to make religions look outdated, dumb and oppressive. They then disrupt the relationship between employee and boss with unions. They use propaganda systems to make criminals look like victims and police to look like enemies. They create power structures for people who we do not elect. Social workers and media. Over a single generation, they will create a fundamental principle that we can all become equal. This is all done to divide us and create unrest until we land in a crisis in which our liberties hang in the in-between for us to either reclaim or for us to give away to a big government for them to “normalize” things again. That being the last step. They create leftism, then to stabilize things again they remove it. No more LGBT groups, no more feminists, no more protests, no more free speech. Everybody is equally oppressed. Removing LGBT seems to be a very important part of the stabilizing process. They need to create a common enemy for everybody to feel good about getting rid of. Hi Russia, hi Nazi Germany, hi China.
Anyway, going back to school was always my worst nightmare. Literally. My most reoccurring dream was walking down those halls again in high school. I didn’t say a word in high school. Nobody talked about mental illness back then. He’s just painfully shy they would say about me. I had social anxiety that nobody had ever heard of in the 1900s. Through a self-improvement book, that I read this time last year I came to understand that my social anxiety comes from me not having a pack. I never had that security. I always felt vulnerable. I created a positive feedback loop of avoiding public situations which created an irrational fear of social interaction. A crippling fear that still affects me to this day. That habit no longer serves me and I am slowly working on my nerve. When Adam & Eve ate from the tree of wisdom they become self-aware and realized that they were naked. When I hit adolescence I became self-aware and I felt naked and self-conscious. I didn’t speak because I have gay voice. I hated getting misgendered over the phone. I never felt like a real boy. Can you imagine if I had to locate myself on a taxonomy of gender while feeling like that? I don’t feel like a boy or a girl so I guess I’m trans. I didn’t like my body. My childhood friends filled out and got very masculine. I stayed rail-thin and that made me feel feminine and I tried to stay as small as possible so that no one would notice. I had a different relationship with my body already as a victim of childhood rape. Also a victim of kidnap and torture.
I’m lame, I did create a bit of a character of myself to get myself through my twenties. I outgrew that person and I’m trying to become more authentic. It’s not torture or anything, it’s fun and exciting to “recreate” and find myself. It’s weird feeling like a stranger in my own life. Everybody here still identifies me as somebody that I am not. They still think that I am that character. That one I used to reflect back when I hit the gay scene. I was serving Johnathan Van Ness realness honey, yas. That’s not who I really am. That got me some admiration and some shallow friendships but that wasn’t me. I didn’t even notice. I thought that was me living my truth. I didn’t fit in with the gay scene anyway. Debauchery and degeneracy were never cute to me. People called me a snob and a prude and a self-hating queen and I let that make me feel like there was something wrong with me but I understand now that I just made them insecure. No tea no shade no pink lemonade I just always knew that drugs, hooking up and partying every weekend was never and I mean never going to fill that hole in my heart and make me happy. I also lived in the ghetto and I saw the real-life consequences of this lifestyle and I promised myself to never end up like that. The liberal version of freedom is to chase your appetites to the end of the earth. The conservative version of freedom is to tame your appetites and govern yourself. I suppose that I always leaned right. We are not born free, we are a slave to our appetites. Blah, ok. I’m rambling and shaming everyone. I’m just drinking my coffee and airing out my thoughts before I stress myself out with this move. I can’t think too big here. When I think, I sink. I’m going to go for a run and get it done.
Last updated September 03, 2020