What I've realized in Book Six: Reconstruction

  • Aug. 30, 2020, 11:09 p.m.
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I spent some time with Victoria today. Actually, I spent about 9 1/2 hours with Victoria today. Nothing sexy. Just hanging out. Which isn’t bad at all… it just provides me with an opportunity to do some important thinking. And I’ve realized something:

Without Remus and Victoria?

I honestly think the loneliness would have been devastating. I mean, the loneliness still gets to me sometimes. Imagine if I had no reprieve! I would have been heavily drinking every night. That isn’t to say any of that would have been okay or acceptable but it seems bloody obvious. Victoria and Remus’ involvement in my life has been a saving grace against some incredibly destructive loneliness.

NOW… if my social attempts at a romantic partner met the same abject nothingness that I’m currently experiencing… which there is every reason to believe… the whole thing would be even worse.

SO… Victoria and Remus in my life really are a God-send.

Now as to dating and sexual interactions?

What am I ultimately looking for?

Someone I am attracted to
Someone I enjoy spending time with
Someone that is willing to show me affection
Someone that is willing to be sexual with me
Someone that is willing to take their time and be patient with me
Someone that I could have a future with
Someone that I could have a romantic relationship with
Someone that I could have kids with.

NOW… true… Victoria and I have no romantic present or future, no long term future possibility, and no possibility for kids. Those are off the table. And if I were to focus on what is off the table, that would make me sad. But from a different perspective? Without Victoria… my continuing lack of anything else would keep it ALL off the table. So… that’s kind of how I’m looking at it right now.

No, this is not ideal.

No, this is not ultimately what I want.

But I think it is helpful for the present situation.

While I may not be able to build my romantic confidence here; or work towards a future with someone else, or plan to have kids..... I can work on my self-confidence… I can get some of the sexual experience/sexual confidence that was robbed from me during my marriage.... I can get some basic physical affection (like a fucking hug) without asking for it or having to negotiate for it.... So… that’s where I am there. Openly admitting that this is not ideal. Openly admitting that I have no other options. And openly admitting that… I’m not 100% super duper happy over the moon with how things are… but I’m a lot happier this way than completely without.

Starhawk August 30, 2020

This is a great opportunity to improve Baseline You. Gaining experience and self-confidence, doing whatever other preparations are needed to go out and chase women as romantic partners after the pandemic passes. Whether that is weight loss, a snappy haircut, a wardrobe update, or just finishing off your divorce.

I was thinking about you a little the other night and wanted to encourage you to keep breaking your routine, especially once it's safer to do so. You met Victoria doing theater, no? A group activity, coed, something you hadn't done in ages. A place where you got to show your True You and really meet people instead of being an icon in a dating app. I hope you'll do more things like that when you're ready to be the pursuer.

One of the pieces of advice I often have to give my (single) gamer friends is that, if they want to meet women, they have to go to where the women are. They can't spend all their nights playing D&D with the guys. I don't think you quite have the problem they do and I look forward to watching you evolve a s the summer finishes itself up.

DE_KentuckyGirl August 31, 2020

I saw a reminder ro myself that I had posted years ago on FB. Your present circumstances are not your final destination. "This too shall pass" That is seriously the mantra that got me through one of the hardest times of my life (divorce).

hippiechica15 August 31, 2020

"But from a different perspective? Without Victoria… my continuing lack of anything else would keep it ALL off the table." This precisely. Absolutely build up your self confidence with this experience. Experience affection and what seems to be a very wonderful friendship. And it's fine to be here for now, as a step toward the future you want. It might even be important for you living in the moment and NOT planning so much in your head.

I so hope by the spring you can do theater again in some form. Obv that was a really good outlet for you and you met good people <3

Always Laughing August 31, 2020

It's a very positive way to view things
I've been trying to embrace this kind of perspective myself lately.

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