I spent some time with Victoria today. Actually, I spent about 9 1/2 hours with Victoria today. Nothing sexy. Just hanging out. Which isn’t bad at all… it just provides me with an opportunity to do some important thinking. And I’ve realized something:
Without Remus and Victoria?
I honestly think the loneliness would have been devastating. I mean, the loneliness still gets to me sometimes. Imagine if I had no reprieve! I would have been heavily drinking every night. That isn’t to say any of that would have been okay or acceptable but it seems bloody obvious. Victoria and Remus’ involvement in my life has been a saving grace against some incredibly destructive loneliness.
NOW… if my social attempts at a romantic partner met the same abject nothingness that I’m currently experiencing… which there is every reason to believe… the whole thing would be even worse.
SO… Victoria and Remus in my life really are a God-send.
Now as to dating and sexual interactions?
What am I ultimately looking for?
Someone I am attracted to
Someone I enjoy spending time with
Someone that is willing to show me affection
Someone that is willing to be sexual with me
Someone that is willing to take their time and be patient with me
Someone that I could have a future with
Someone that I could have a romantic relationship with
Someone that I could have kids with.
NOW… true… Victoria and I have no romantic present or future, no long term future possibility, and no possibility for kids. Those are off the table. And if I were to focus on what is off the table, that would make me sad. But from a different perspective? Without Victoria… my continuing lack of anything else would keep it ALL off the table. So… that’s kind of how I’m looking at it right now.
No, this is not ideal.
No, this is not ultimately what I want.
But I think it is helpful for the present situation.
While I may not be able to build my romantic confidence here; or work towards a future with someone else, or plan to have kids..... I can work on my self-confidence… I can get some of the sexual experience/sexual confidence that was robbed from me during my marriage.... I can get some basic physical affection (like a fucking hug) without asking for it or having to negotiate for it.... So… that’s where I am there. Openly admitting that this is not ideal. Openly admitting that I have no other options. And openly admitting that… I’m not 100% super duper happy over the moon with how things are… but I’m a lot happier this way than completely without.