Sleep is overrated anyway...Late night Ramblings in My life....I can't make this shit up!

This entry is tangential and convoluted.
I can’t sleep again tonight. I have been sleeping fairly well since I started on this divorce path, but tonight I cannot shut my brain off.
I was actually feeling pretty good after work today, and even more so after Brian got home from work. We made dinner together as a family, and while we were eating I got a Facebook message from the sperm donor saying he would like me to consider him signing away parental rights. Consider? Are you fucking kidding me? That’s the only thing I want! (besides the divorce). I told him that is something I was unable to include in the divorce because it’s separate and I could not afford it. I told him if he initiates that and/or contests the divorce with that I would not fight it. I actually said I think that’s best. Then I told him that I have submitted the documentation today and he can expect to be served by his county sheriff within the next two weeks. The only thing he said back was “understood.”
This makes me happy. Honestly, it takes some of the anxieties I talked about in my last entry away. Cameron was in the room when I got the message, so I told him. I promised him I would be open and honest about the whole situation. He asked what it means to have parental rights taken away and I said it means he wants nothing to do with either of us and he is saying he does not want to be responsible for you. I told Cameron it’s what needs to happen for Brian to adopt him, but that’s what he still wants. Cameron said it is. We explained that it could take another year or two for him to be adopted but that it would happen. I told him that he would have to write a letter to the judge saying he wants to be adopted and why. He just said “Ok” and went back to playing on the switch. I just don’t know why my brain won’t turn off tonight.
I’ll start to fall asleep, and right as I’m on the precipice I wake up startled. I don’t know why. I have tried everything from progressive relaxation, to reading a boring book, to watching a boring documentary. All of which are intriguing me tonight and keeping me awake. Okay, they’re not the thing keeping me awake, but they’re not distracting me from the narrative in my brain either. Also, Brian’s snoring isn’t helping.
I had laid down on the couch for a while, but he woke up and asked me to come back to bed. After about 2 minutes of snuggling he started snoring like a damn freight train in my face again. Now I’m in the dining room listening to his loud as hell snoring.
I worry about Cameron. He seems to be fine with everything, like it’s not bothering him. Prior to Hurricane Laura hitting, and before it was forecast to be a huge Cat 4 storm, when it was headed towards the Houston area he asked if Oakwood, TX was near there. I said I think so. He said “Come on Laura hit Oakwood.” This was completely unprompted by me, and surprising (although, the bitter part of me thought that was fucking hilarious.)
I keep creating these scenarios in my mind of ways we can tell Brian’s side of the family the divorce is final, if I want to tell them at all, if we want to get married under the radar and surprise everyone with a reception party, or a surprise wedding. Then the rational side of me takes charge and says that’s crazy and immature and even partially irresponsible. Then I’m saying to myself, Brian hasn’t asked me to marry him, he’s said he wants us to have the same name, but he wants me to marry him. And, to adopt Cameron we have to be married.
But I’ve spent so many years of my life saying I don’t want to get married again. It’s just a piece of paper. The biggest reason I’ve been saying that is so people stop asking me if I’m getting married again and I don’t want to tell him that I’m legally married to my estranged husband for 14 years. Now I won’t have that “piece of paper” tying me to him as an excuse. Do I really want to get married again? For the last 7 years Brian and I have been living together, raising Cameron together, paying bills together, purchasing vehicles together…Everything is shared. What difference would it make if I had a piece of paper and the same last name? He’s been married twice before. What makes me any different? What if we get married and then things fall apart? Right now it’s simple. You go your way. I go mine. We move forward with our lives. If we get married then it’s another few thousand bucks I don’t have to get another divorce. Then my rational side kicks in again and is telling me to shut the fuck up! We’ve been together for more than 7 years! It’s not like we’re running to get married after having dated for six months. When I talk about him, I refer to him as my husband, and he to me as his wife. So WHAT THE FUCK!? I knew from the moment I laid eyes on him I was going to spend my life with him, so why not take his name? He loves Cameron. He calls Cameron his son, so why not adopt him? All because I’m afraid of being back in the same boat I’ve been in for 14 years? Half of that time I’ve been with him.
Hell, tonight, when he told me to come back to bed (and before he started snoring) I said I was sorry for waiting so long to do this. He said we knew this would be expensive and I don’t need to apologize for hindsight, and that “the road that matters now is the one you’re on.” He then promptly started snoring. I bet he won’t even remember the conversation in the morning!
Speaking of Morning, it’s almost 1AM. I need to try to get back to sleep again. At least I got some ramblings off my mind. Hopefully they stay in here long enough for me to get to sleep, and don’t jump from my entry back into my brain. I hate insomnia.