Of complaints and praises, I have both in great supply
Of nerves and hopes I will not attempt to lie
But days of void and emptiness
Are not the days that I expect will impress
As an apt prelude to tomorrow’s insanity, today is 100% completely and abjectly devoid of a single thing on my work calendar. Of course, tomorrow the same cannot be said! Tomorrow I am scheduled to be in court from 10 a.m. through 3 p.m. SO… today is a day of preparation. But preparation is not an all day activity. It takes, for Magistrate Court, roughly 2 hours AT MOST. Granted, if this were District Associate or District Court it would take considerably longer and I’d be freaking out. But this is the secret about a small(er)(ish) community. WHEN serving a large community, the division of labor in the County Attorney’s Office is efficient enough that all level of crimes are treated with the utmost respect and honor. You have 1 or 2 people JUST on sex crimes, 1 or 2 people JUST on OWIs, 1 or 2 people JUST on Drug Crimes, 1 or 2 people JUST on property crimes, 3 to 5 people JUST on Juvenile Law, and 1 person on Magistrate court. And they don’t overlap. So if your county has 10 attorneys in the office? Best believe each crime is treated seriously. ON THE OTHER HAND a county like mine? We have two attorneys. My boss deals with “ALL substance abuse and Property crimes above Simple Misdemeanor” and he deals with the Civil and Political side of the office. I take everything else. ALL sex, assault, and juvenile cases and any case below Serious Misdemeanor no matter the subject matter. SO, as I’ve said before, if I’m spending my days working out how to resolve, try, or prove THE CASE OF THE BATTERED BEAUTY or THE CASE OF THE GUILTY GROPER; your ten minute hearing where you say, “I wasn’t speeding” and the cop says, “My radar had him going 98 mph in a 65 mph zone” doesn’t get ANY of my time but for the 10 minutes of your stupid, needless, irritating hearing. And that’s what I’m “prepping” today. For a Thursday of all of those little ten minute hearings.
WHICH MEANS, ultimately, that my day will be empty of distraction unless some massive emergency happens. And with my luck? Emergencies happen when you LEAST want them, not when you MOST want them. So… we’re unlikely to have an emergency today until right around 2 or 3. REALLY drag the day out and then right at the end, pop the problem.
This being an issue as my mind is sent in a dozen different directions when not occupied by the work.
Ever the “worry about the future man”… I allowed my insecurities a little leeway the other day and simply sent Nancy a message saying “So, you know that I struggle with my insecurities. I’ve been resisting sending this: You’re just really busy right? Like, you’re not actively avoiding me?” Which opened up dialogue, we spoke about her starting classes, she said how thrilled she is that I’m spending time with Remus and Victoria, I asked her about her schedule… after she sent it, I asked Nancy about going to the Bank sometime to fulfill her now COURT ORDERED obligations. Didn’t hear back. Crickets for 24 hours. Caused some concern but (if I haven’t said it before) my perspective on Nancy’s actions is still very much the “She’s not malicious, she’s apathetic.” She doesn’t care. She hasn’t spent my money in more than a week but she also hasn’t deposited the check yet. SO…no idea what is going on other than… she is a woman who has constantly been without a sense of urgency on doing or taking care of anything which certainly fits the patterns of our relationship.
(This is where things become slightly non-linear from here on out)
I talked to my parents last night.
My dad, in his ever persistent way, invited me and the dog to visit and stay on Saturday night. He’s worried about me and he really misses the dog.
So today… I wanted to check with Nancy whether she was intending to use ANY of her weekend to pick stuff up at my house. Or y’know… what her plans on that might be. SO I texted her about that. Her response? To finally text back about the Bank. She said that she could do something Tuesday. OKAY. I can make that work. Pick a time. Aaaaaand back to crickets. ::sigh::
THAT BEING SAID
I have a question! GENUINE, HONEST QUESTION AND (unlike, admittedly, often) I WILL ACTUALLY LISTEN AND HEED THE RESPONSES!
So… obviously, I enjoy spending time with Victoria. I enjoy spending time with her kids. Nala enjoys spending time with Victoria. Nala enjoys spending time with her kids. Remus said he had a Bachelor Party he needed to go to on Saturday which is why we aren’t playing DDO on Saturday. With Remus out of the house, I am very likely to get a request to come over to hang with Victoria and the kids. Thus… I have an invitation to visit my parents OR I can decline their invitation in the strong suspicion I’d be invited to hang with Victoria OR I can straight up ask Victoria if she’d want me to come over on Saturday.
HERE IS THE QUESTION:
As an individual QUITE KNOWN (by this community if you’ve been reading me anyway) to be shit when it comes to boundaries, looking after my own interest, and quite frankly living life without constantly worrying about others… I’m not sure what is the best option therein. DO I ask Victoria ahead of time… which doesn’t seem to have any negative consequences other than presumptuously assuming that if Remus is gone, I’ll get the invite… despite Victoria being someone with 2 other men in her life besides Remus and I. Do I decline my parents with the understanding that (1) they cancelled on me last time, opting to get a puppy instead of visiting me; (2) even if Victoria doesn’t call me, I’m in my own home/my own bed with access to my video games which might make for a more enjoyable Saturday; (3) if Victoria does call me, it is further bonding with a friend that has been extremely good for me. OR Do I just say yes to my parents, go and visit them, since I haven’t spent much time with them since COVID started and I know they’re freaking out about me because I’m going through all of this while working an emotionally laborious job while going through a divorce?
THAT IS THE QUESTION
Speaking of the phone call with my parents? Eh. Hrm. Heh heh. Uh. So, they are traditional Christians with pretty specific ideas about certain things. SO… not going to tell them that my relationship with Victoria may include sexual elements. That is NOT something we will be discussing. EVER. But obviously Victoria and Remus and their kids are now a very big part of Nala and my life! So I am going to talk to my parents about what is going on. Stuff like… hanging out with a Family of Four on the weekends, how their son is SUPER excited when I come over, how their daughter is ADORABLE and loves Nala but freaks out and says, “Nala is trying to eat me!” whenever Nala tries to lick her, how Victoria and the kids will sometimes walk Nala, or (like they did yesterday) the whole family took Nala to the farm to meet some Farm Dogs and get some much needed Doggy Socialization. How knowing and becoming closer with Remus and Victoria has really helped me learn more about communication and boundaries in relationships. All of the stuff about our interactions BUT FOR the very specific fact that the two of them are in an ethical-non-monogamous relationship involving light to heavy Kink sexual play. THAT PART the parents don’t need to know anything about. Which is why I had to kind of bite my cheek a little. Because after telling them about this family that’s been checking on me, helping me out, keeping me from going through all of this completely alone, and have even helped out with Nala… my dad just started gushing. Kept giving thanks to God, saying that their involvement in my life was a God thing, and thank God He sent people to me that could care for me in a time of need, and on and on. All of that stuff. AND frankly? I’m not disagreeing with my Dad. The friendship elements alone have been a much needed harbor in this storm. Thank God for them. But I had to bite my cheek to keep from laughing because… damn! This is an absolute PERFECT example of why I believe the current transformations in Christianity are needed and are struggling. Because these are people that are showing me fellowship, friendship, kindness… they are, in most ways, expressing the exact healing fellowship that Christ calls on us all to perform for one another. So instead of judgment, celebrate. But I PROMISE you… despite my father’s joy… there is a LONG list of things that would make him immediately say, “You shouldn’t talk to those people anymore.” Like… that Remus has a homosexual partner outside of the marriage. That Remus has a heterosexual partner outside of the marriage. That Victoria doesn’t identify as Christian. That Victoria identifies as Hetero-Flexible. That Victoria has multiple sexual partners outside of her marriage. That Victoria and Remus indulge in (and enjoy) BD/SM experiences. That Victoria was pregnant with Remus’ child when they got married. ALL OF THESE (and more) would instantly make my father VERY unhappy and VERY uncomfortable that these people were in my life (at all) let alone how close we all are. Thus the personal humor for me when my dad just started gushing.
Today is Wednesday. The day Victoria usually comes over. Yet… this is the first Wednesday after my test results came back. AND I just finished reading that book. So… tonight could be… just about anything. She may not come over. She may come over and we paint and watch Dr. Who and cuddle. She may come over and want to cook something; which may be tough, I kind of hope she doesn’t go that route. But… I honestly think… it is not an egotistical thing to suggest… something sexual is very likely going to happen tonight. Which, obviously great and wonderful and I look forward to it. But… that’s also the biggest reason why I’m thinking, “Shit. Fuck. OF COURSE today was going to be an EMPTY day. Have to get as much mental downtime as possible on this day of all days.
Victoria’s First Meme Post of the Day (I just like it in general)
AND NOW… MY MEMES
Y’know what’s funny? I’m a big fan Anna Kendrick fan. I’ve only seen 1 movie she was in; but between her performance ability, signing voice, appearance, and her wit on Twitter… I’m a big fan.
I have been pretty good about my diet this week! Of course… that means I’ve been pretty good about my diet for 3 days, but.. VICTORIES WHERE THEY ARE FOUND!