Heartbreak in First entry

It’s been a while. Not sure exactly why I stopped. I put so much into this and it’s an amazing outlet for how I feel and things that happen. I’ll provide an update of what’s been happening and finish with what’s going on in heart and head.

I’m not even sure where I left off. But since my last post, so much has happened. So, I had to tell my son that his mom was moving out. He had been getting increasingly anxious with his mom not being here. He wanted me to buy something for his game and I was explaining that I can’t because I’m on a budget. There was a look that I can’t explain in his eyes and I knew I couldn’t hide it any longer. I called him in my room and explained mommy was in the process of buying her own house and she wouldn’t be moving back in with us. I told him it had absolutely nothing to do with him or his sister and we both loved him so much. We will always love them and neither of us will turn away from them. It was like slow motion. I saw his heart break in front of me. He immediately started to cry and hugged me. I joined him. I could feel his pain with every tear. The only thing I could say was I’m sorry and I love you. We cried together. It was a turning point for me. I had faced my biggest fear. I had watched his world crash in on him. After a few minutes of crying he sat back and I asked if he had any questions. His first question was if she was moving in with someone else. I wasn’t expecting that question....I told him I don’t know. I couldn’t tell him yes. Then he asked if she was ever going to move back in. I told him that I don’t think that would happen. We talked a little more and I explained this is his home. I am keeping the house and it would be our home. Throughout he would cry and hug me and as I cried with him I saw him realize this wasn’t normal for me either. He finished the conversation with a joke. “Why do golfers bring two pairs of pants while golfing?....incase they get a hole in one.. it made us both laugh. Praise God I have such a resilient little man. I made him pinky promise me he wouldn’t shut me out and we would talk about his feelings and he would bring me any questions he had.

So last Tuesday....I come home and she leaves. She was still working out of my home. Well there were clothes in the dryer that was running and I had gathered her clothes she had laying around the house with some of the kids clothes and washed them on Sunday. So I figured she was going to fold them and forgot and left. I open the dryer and see her clothes. I felt them and they were dry so I started pulling them out and realized it wasn’t the load that I washed. I noticed underwear that wasn’t mine. I then proceed to take them into my living room and sort them. She had brought his clothes over and washed them. I had told her weeks before when I saw her bringing laundry over that she could not wash his clothes at my house. She completely disrespected me and did it anyways. So I gathered his clothes and took them outside. Walked across the driveway and threw them in the woods right beside my trash cans. I text her she can do her laundry at the laundry mat from now on. I then out dead bolts on my laundry room and my room. I told her if she wanted to get her stuff out, I would open it, but she would have to get her stuff and get out. Well that leads me to Wednesday night about 11 pm when she tells me I have to leave it open for her or she would show up Thursday with the sheriff and the deed that had her name on it in her hand to get her stuff. I said I wouldn’t open it. The next morning I text her at 630 to see if she was in her way. I waited until 740. Nothing…crickets....so I text her and said it was unacceptable that would would make such a impulsive decision that affects my sole source of income and I would be forced to place them in childcare to ensure their stability. No reply. About noon I was getting ready for lunch to be delivered. As I saw it pull in right behind it was two sheriff cars and a Uhaul truck. I laughed out loud. She was crazy enough to do it. Luckily my children were upstairs and were occupied. I walked out to the sheriffs and asked if I could grab lunch and put it on the porch. They said sure. I then went back to them and I said I know exactly why you are here. The fact are I have a Free Trader agreement that shows a separation date of 5th of july. I have a text stating she rented a house and that she had changed our bank accounts to that address. I explained she was a no call and no show so I was working from home with my kids. I told her she can get her stuff after I get off work in an email I sent that morning, but i requested she brings a neutral 3rd party because she had started fabricating lies. They said she had a 3rd party. As soon as I saw the looks on their faces I knew…I said its probably her boyfriend. I then said there’s absolutely no way he is allowed on my property. He is a convicted felon that just got out of prison last November and he was involved in a fight this past March. No way is he coming on my property. They asked what time I would be finished with work. I told them 4pm. They ok that will work and he will not be here when she comes back. I walked in side waited from the cars to be gone and then called the kids and had lunch.

That afternoon she returns and it didn’t dawn on me she wasn’t getting her clothes like she said. She was there to get all of her stuff. I had reached a point where I was ready for her to go. Like I said telling my son was a turning point. At lunch I told my daughter, but she didnt seem to really understand it. Allowing her to take her stuff this day is a choice I regret. I should have said no, you can come back on Saturday like we agreed. As she brought in these kids that were “movers” she started upstairs where the kids were located. As they carried stuff out, my daughter saw it and went hysterical crying. I held her as she cried. I told her it was going to be ok. Heartbreak #2. My ex just walked by giving dirty looks. She stopped and said “You had all day to do something with them.” I was thinking what the hell are you talking about. You haven’t communicated you plan at all. I held my daughter until she calmed down and the movers were nearly complete. She ran out of room on the Uhaul and said she would be back for her mother China later. She actually asked if I would box it up. I lol’ed. No, she accused me of destroying her “sentimental items” when I threw her boyfriend’s clothes into the woods. It was just a lie, but there’s no way I’m going to touch her stuff. I documented all of the mess she left behind, as well as the hole she put into the wall as her office chair “fell” down the stairs.

There’s more that happened over the weekend, up until Tuesday, but I’ll post more on that later. As for my heart and head, it’s doing much better. I feel I’ve let go. At my turning point I finally got to a point to where I don’t want her to come back. Her selfish actions and disregard for the wellbeing of our children have shown me that she isn’t at a place where she can place them first. She is impulsive and erratic. I honestly wish she would take off with her boyfriend and go chase that dream. Let me have the kids and pick up the pieces. She’s unable to step back and objectively look at the situation. It’s like pure insanity when I have to deal with her. She thinks im.thr jealous ex lover and the truth is I’m past that. I know there’s nothing he offers that I can’t. She will come around and realize she betrayed and threw away a man that loved her for nearly 16 years and ripped apart the lives of her children. All for some pipe dream. I’ll be good. My relationship with God is at an amazing place and I have my children to pour my love into. My support network is incredibly strong and I am loved more than I will ever know. It’s amazing what 6 weeks will do to you.