Enraged in Musings

Life happens so strangely and sometimes it catches me off guard—which enrages me.

Liam and I have discovered a strange new language… its very non-verbal. Quarantine has really made us completely in sync, and because I am who I am, it annoys me, but it also soothes me.

I was invited to a “quarantine, social distance” event… it wasn’t a big thing, it was drinks with some of my hairdresser friends and a small group of our friends… I was very wary about it, until
I got the invite, I saw the guest listing was 10 people and 1 guest you’ve quarantined with—so a maximum of 20 people… it was “invite only, 1 guest that has been quarantined with you, in a 6,000 sq ft apartment, with an outdoor terrace, MASKS ARE MANDATORY. NO DRINKING INSIDE, IF YOU NEED TO TAKE YOUR MASK DOWN IT MUST BE DONE OUTSIDE AND 6FT DISTANCE MUST BE KEPT OR YOU WILL BE ASKED TO LEAVE IMMEDIATELY!”

I showed Liam… and he was very like “I don’t know babe, is it worth the risk?” And I was like “BABE! This life isn’t sustainable, I love you, but I am dying to go out and mingle and be fabulous, wear my expensive shoes and my expensive shirts and my expensive cologne and be expensive in an expensive house and wear my expensive Swarovski crystal face mask!”
Needless to say it didn’t take too much to convince him.

But things happen for a reason… I’ve been back at work for 2 weeks and it’s fucking hard to do hair with a N95 mask and gloves and do all the social distancing and all of the weirdness that is necessary to protect ourselves and protect each other from infection.

We get ready… I feel so beautiful, putting on those shoes and sliding my arms through the holes of the shirt and spraying on that Tom Ford parfum and putting on the bling that I haven’t been able to wear because crime in the city has become a very big issue…

We get to the even and there’s like 15 people they are all very spaced apart and it didn’t seem like a PARTY, but more like the after hours party at a dive bar, or like the end of prom where all the nerds and geeks are hanging out.

We see our host I greet him and we talk about things and i see from the corner of my eye this girl that looks so familiar to me, but I didn’t know why she seemed so familiar—her eyes and her mannerisms were so familiar to me…

I went outside with Liam and we huddled in a corner and he rolled his blunt and we smoked weed in the corner…

I leave Liam and walk around the terrace and look at the river and I just hear “pssst” and Liam walks over to her and she’s not social distancing, but Liam is backing away hard from her and I look over in my weed haze and I get completely enraged.

A light caught her face and I could see her Adam’s apple and I could see her hands… this was some faggot guy that tried to seduce every single man I’ve ever been with… she was presenting as male before and now she’s a transwoman—but no fucking shade, I don’t hit women, but I will stomp the fuck out of you if you keep trying me and keep trying to seduce the guys I’m with… like why can’t you try and fuck someone that you know is single and why can’t you try and fuck someone that you know isn’t MY PARTNER!

I see Liam stepping back from her trying to keep his distance, he’s stoned and he’s friendly and giddy, and I walked over and I had no fucking qualms to shove her so hard that she landed on her ass.
“Keep 6 feet away, Carlos, and how about you keep your distance from all of the dudes that I’ve fucked? What? You couldn’t make it as a nasty faggot that you had to change genders and be a nasty bitch?” I said as Liam said “stoppp, Andy” in his slow mo’ stoned voice.

When she stood up she tried to attack me, and Liam held her back and her boob popped out… and it enraged me even more that Liam’s hand was so close to her plastic tit and I yelled “Let Carlos go now Liam or I will fuck both of you up” and my voice echoed throughout the party…
“My name isn’t Carlos anymore you fucking stuck up faggot!” She said (or something to the liking) and because my voice got deep and serious Liam just let her go because I don’t ever remember roaring at anything or anyone, EVER, until that day…
This trashy trans bitch was so drunk and her mask was half on, she had white powder hanging out her nose. When I shoved her, a little brown vial of powder had shattered on the floor and she stumbled to punch me and her spacial distance coordination was completely off, as she stumbled toward me and tripped on her 6 year OLD Louboutins that she bought when she was a man with ME at a Louboutin sample sale that was INVITE ONLY, in her knock off jacquard-knit Alaïa dress… (for those of you that don’t know Alaïa shame on you, but for a fun reference Alicia Silverstone in ‘Clueless’ was held at gun point in an Alaïa dress).
When she reached me, I literally shoved her drunk, Coked up ass, and she face planted on the floor and her busted ass FAKE Gucci purse bursted open and these drugs spilled out of her bag.
I am an addict and I still teeter-totter between addiction… I am not knocking her for whatever trouble she has with drug use, alcohol use, gender dysphoria, insecurity, etc. and I will be an asshole and say the ONLY BITCH that I was destroying with my addiction was ME, that’s including all of my relationships that occurred while high, I destroyed the relationships and myself away from seeing eyes. I was a fucking addict and NOONE knew that I was popping pills, snorting coke, mixing uppers and downers. I own a business, I owned a million dollar apartment, I have jewelry that is priceless, I have a closet full of belligerently coveted designers, hand bags that cost 350k—so no one knew what shit I was in. What I didn’t do was be disloyal, allow anyone to see that I was self-medicating, self-destructing or a fucking mess. I never did some shady shit to a friend and say “oh I’m sorry, I was drunk and high” I stand by ALL of the things that I’ve said—do I regret some of my choices? Absolutely… but drunken words are sober thoughts and drunk or not, I was NEVER the guy to lean up against one of my friend’s partners and try to seduce him. Actually one of my friend’s husband, who is ‘straight’ and utterly attractive had this weird conversation with me while we were getting coked up in the bathroom together where he expressed to me “I just would wanna be like you Andy” he said and I replied “what? Like me? What does that mean?” I said to him. “Yeah, I just think that marrying Vera was a mistake, I think I’m like you” he said as he snorted some coke, and trapped me in a corner, leaning in to me… and I ducked, moved away from him and left the bathroom… frazzled. I never spoke to Vera or him again… Vera was my bestest friend throughout high school… you’re a fucking monster, there are so many attractive gay men out in the world, you wanna cheat on her DONT FUCKING TRY WITH HER HIGHSCHOOL BESTFRIEND!
This dirty Carlos-tranny is trying to pick up her shit off the floor cursing me out and Liam is such a good guy and has no idea about the history me and this bitch have, he helps her gather her things and extends his hand to her.

And then things get even more spicy… because she slaps the fuck out of me and like I said I don’t hit women, and a cisgender woman would NEVER hit a man because she knows wether he’s gay or straight there’s a very HIGH possibility that he will knock you out…it was the sting of her hand on my face that triggered me, it was the memory of Alex slapping me so hard that he’d knock me into the wall and I’d show up to work with bruises that “happened in the shower, or the door opened, or I was so clumsy”, it was the memory of Christopher slapping me in Brussels and breaking up with me in-front of the Eiffel Tower in Paris and telling me that I would never, ever be loved by anyone except him…Liam stood between me and her—and all of that trauma, the demon spirits from the darkest pits of Dante’s inferno, the hate, the jealousy, the gaslighting that has been imposed on me for just wanting to be respected surged the strength to shove Liam so hard he flew into wherever and wind up my fist to knock her so hard in the face, twice, that I broke her nose and the second punch knocked her tooth out and then Liam and the rest of the party stopped and held me from murdering her.

The party was over as she/he/it was gushing blood and Liam had to rush me to the hospital because I had a metacarpal fracture. I was so enraged in the cab ride as he’s grabbing my hand and trying to lay it on his knee, crying.. and I was like “it’s fucking fine!” And I would open and close my hand, and he’s just yelling at me to stop. Physical pain doesn’t affect me, and I hit that fucking THING with the power of all of the hate, sadness and pain I’be harbored for 35 years of my life.
And before I get any trans, gender-dysphoric, gender non-binary, androgynous etc. hate for calling her a ‘THING’ or a ‘TRANNY’ I want everyone to calm there fucking tits. Gender-dysphoria is real and I believe that some people are born in the wrong body and suffer all of there life to project what they feel internally, building themselves externally to project how they want to be seen… HOWEVER, I know a sleuth of transgender women AND men, that behave accordingly. A real cisgender and transgender woman, especially at the high socioeconomic level that I exist in, does not and will never try to hit a man , be a messy piece of trash or overstep there boundaries in a patriarchal society as a woman in the community I exist in… and maybe it is sexist and misogynistic, but in order to dismantle the machine, you have to exist by its laws, learn the language, the mannerisms to ‘pass’ and ONCE you’ve mastered the tools of the oppressor and have become a comrade, you can begin to tear it apart from the inside out… like a disease with no cure, that’s what they did to us… to all the ‘other’ of the world… black, gay, lesbian, trans, Latino, curly haired, redhead, flat-footed, alcoholic, addict—they’ve made us ‘other’ they’ve made us feel as if we are broken. I am a lucratively successful gay Latino man in New York City, but I sucked all the right dicks, caressed all the right egos, positioned myself in a way that they can feel that they have one over me but when it doesn’t work, I have always been protected and they suffer for crossing me.

And maybe that’s why I love and hate feeling this way for Liam, because I know all the insidious things I’ve done, I know what trustfund baby, what rich kid, what rich kids aunt, what friend, what emotional asset they have to use as leverage, how to manipulate my homosexuality to my advantage… and with Liam it doesn’t work because he has less than me and he’s not been conditioned to be a snake like me for survival.

That transwoman that slapped me and I broke her nose and her tooth… she should learn what I learned, she should snake her way to be whoever she wants to be and she should know that Andy isn’t the faggot you want to cross…stop trying to seduce my partners, this has been an ongoing theme for her for YEARS… there is an abundance of dick and an abundance of opportunity that she can get… If you want what I have and I came from nothing, like you, why would you want to take something from your undercover comrade? How about it clicks in your head, we came from the same welfare checks, the same food stamps, the same ostracism, the same broken homes, the same absolute HATE for our ‘otherness’ and NOW I am considered part of the upper echelon, but it still comes with limits, it comes with skepticism, it comes with racism, colorism, financial-shaming, and social curtailing—but I am one of you… I could have $175 in my bank account including assets or investments or 3.79 million in my bank account not including the lazy money I make—at the end of the day to the world I am still a faggot, I am still a nigger to them.

When I was in the hospital and the doctor looked over my x-rays he said, verbatim “you have a metacarpal fracture. what kind of impact did you make? Are you a boxer? Actually no… I don’t want to be involved, just be careful”

Fucking try me bro!
In the words of Mariah Carey “you’re a mom and pop and I’m a corporation. Im a press conference, you’re a conversation.

Liam and I got home super duper late… hospitals are fucking weird now a days, Covid is no joke…

We walked home from the hospital and I was wearing a splint..just use your imagination with that one… I also fucked someone up because of him which made him weirdly horny.

“Babe you’re a much more beautiful girl than she is… ” he said as he put my hands on his chest.
I am
Weirdly
Happy