Bad thoughts in Journal 2020

Today I had a bad thought well last night. That Calin, was dating my friend. I dont know where that thought came from but it makes me cry. I cried and I felt like throwing up due to the sheer amount of fear. I’m scared that’ll make me end it all or worse.

I want him happy but I cant let myself hurt anymore. He talks to me sometimes now and it makes me happy . But what if he is dating someone else? I cant stop crying I don’t think it’s normal to be this attached to someone you stopped dating two months ago. But I’m scared to let go.

I want to make the mixtape but what if he listens and is angry? Or hates it? What to do what do. I dont know what to do :( I love Calin so much I could write poetry about it. But he doesnt love me, he’s gay, he’s moved on. But I cant stop and it’s horrible of me and it’s all my fault.

I just want him happy and to love himself.