btw. i’ll be at my mom’s next wk. well. i’m usually at my mom’s every wk. no i mean i’ll be there mon. - ...................................sat. so.
so i have. what’s known as second-impact syndrome. fuk. it’s when. someone who hasn’t fully recovered from their first concussion. [which apparently i got when i hit my temple almost 2 wks. ago.]. gets a second one. it can happen in days, hours or apparently even minutes. yeah i. got knocked out when i. um fell and accidentally hit myself in the temple. and i think i did that bc. so i wouldn’t, get a cut on my temple from the pavement. [right and a blow to the head is so much better.]. i’ll be alrite. it’ll just take a really long time.
um. yeah. i was. going um either east/west or west/east cause that’s the way one crosswalk goes. and i only know this cause. apparently buckley where i catch the bus. runs north/south. and i only know cause i looked it up. and i remember. the van already being, there. when i went to its side and held my hands out i think. maybe against it, in order to keep from passing out. not it approaching. [no it didn’t hit me.]. but when i remember it. i’m wearing a different coat then i usually wear. which in actuality. i wasn’t. and what’s weird. is that in my memory. the driver. is the red-truck guy the guy. who when i was out walking. a few yrs. ago in the red truck. approached me. i mean maybe it was actually him i have no idea. my only memory of this part is visual. not like. in terms of audio. hearing. no but if i remembered more. it would help. [well of course i don’t remember it. i got 2 concussions that day. apparently.].
um. i mentioned the irritability...............and i’m aggressive. well not now at this very moment. no i was feeling that way. the other day. i didn’t act on it. oh. omygod. the scary mailman i don’t like set me off by. talking to me. no but when he said, something to me. [as i was acting like i was looking for something in my purse. which is the universal signal for ‘i’m busy’.]. i think. he wasn’t being nice. he’s like ‘don’t worry i don’t bite’. ok ya know what?.............no i’d paused. as again. i can’t process movement all that well when others. are walking. i was this way before, my tbi. god you don’t have to be such a jerk. omygod. so i had to quickly exit the situation and go. and sit on the lawn for a few mins. and then i got chai from starbucks. and it was good. and fukin delicious. i calmed right down. it was cold. no that’s not weird it’s actually a thing. it’s a biological thing. or, as i call it, the dolphin reflex. i needed that.
yeah so. well my hypaxia, was better. as i’d been at my park. where there are of course trees and flowers which provide well. oxygen obviously. also i like being there cause. i can be who i am there ya know? i don’t have to be ‘on’ all the time. it’s a lot of work recovering. one of the...............................um. hardest things i’ve ever done. but i’ma fight. sometimes a lot sometimes a little. which is weird cause i’m not a hard worker. like at all. but i’ma fight. no cause. the alternative. scares the hell out of me. i have to actually actively think. about like the next step in. w/e i’m doing. or which direction to go. no even in rms. or w/e the word for something is. the other day i asked my mom if she was done w/ the yellow things. she’s ‘the yellow things?’ like uh. .................... they have it in hawaii. ‘pineapple’. which is true. i mean it is yellow the inside. it’s a form of aphasia called amonia. where the person talks around, the item they mean. it’s weird cause. lately in my head i’ve started thinking of ‘monday’ as..........’luna’. [well. ‘monday’ was named for the moon. and in spanish. yeah.]. or. i’m a bit behind when it comes to conversations. it takes me longer then usual. it’s frustrating it’s frustrating as. hell. and at my park. i’m the only one i know there. which is nice ya know? i um. i don’t have to do so. much. thinking.
my knee was warm the other day the one i sprained. but it’s not red which. can be good or not.
oh yeah i got a shin splint. which is really weird cause i’m not a runner. at all i think. it’s related to the. muscoskeletal thing.
on. whenever the hell it was either yesterday. or um the day before. i apparently had lumbar pain only. i didn’t know what the hell it was for quite some time untill i looked it up i just. knew i felt really uncomfortable.
so when i was at the store earlier. today. i lost. my upper peripheral vision [peripheral means ‘around the outside’] for a couple mins. that was scary. oh and i almost passed out. again. fuk. i was in a crowded aisle and i started to get really warm and dizzy. the good thing. about carts is one can leann against them in the event of that situation. occurring. i had some cheese. and water when i got back. i’ve eaten today. well. i’ve had. cheese. raisins. um more cheese. broccoli [brain food] the yellow..........pineapple. oh and a bit of sourdough. and some lemonade. so. i figure. if cheese is what i really want then. ok. or snacks, if actually microwaving is too complicated. like ok that might. work. i’m ok now but god.
my cfs leak hasn’t been an issue in a few days. oh yeah so. this morning [1 a.m. ] while looking. through my parents’ med. cabinet. well not. not their, med. cabinet as they sleep in sep. rooms. no i mean a med. cabinet in their house. the stuff in there is for anyone.]. um. for a thermometer as apparently i need a new one. i found. this analgesic cream. so i put it on my knee and shin splint. w/ q tips. and holy shit that stuff really works. cause pills. well i really shouldn’t be taking pills. i have depression. so...........yeah. so i got some at the store today. the cream i mean. not pills since. as said. and gauze i bought a lot of gauze. for my elbows. you know one body part at a time. in regards to pain. actually no my torn acl is one of the most worrisome things so. and i can just have it in my purse w/ the qtips. in a plastic bag. the ziploc slide-y kind. [and i’m not even a mom.]. and no one offline will ever know. well. no one that i know that is. i actually already have lifesaver mints in there for when. after i get TMI sick. this was prior. to the concussions. oh yeah so i wrapped my elbow and actually got the gauze right this time. not too loose not too tight. i actually prefer. gauze as it doesn’t leave the. um..................stuc er. wow..............wow. damnit sticky*. yeah the sticky, residue.
there’s probably more. in regards to my VMP, or various medical problems. and recovery. but. idinno.
this is my reality. ya know? this isn’t me being dramatic. this is my reality. right now.
i don’t paint dreams or fantasy i paint my own reality - frida