okay 2020, we get it in Journal

it is almost laughable (for me) how awful 2020 has been. for context, at the end of last year i was really ready to take on a new year. a fresh start. things will be better this time! i vowed to work on being more social, going out more, meeting more people. it is ironic now that i have spent months sitting inside by myself for the majority of the year. loneliness is one of the worst things i have ever felt. depression, anxiety, these things feel predictable sometimes. i have been to therapy session upon therapy session on how to manage mental illnesses. go for a walk to clear my hard, write a poem, do some art, hug my boyfriend, call my friends. but loneliness? i don’t know how to beat this one. it feels all encompassing, as from the moment i wake up, i am alone. and alone i am for almost all of the day. i see my partner for a couple hours once he returns from work, then i must wait another day to see him again. it feels really shit, to be honest. i am not managing well at all.

in 2017, j and i broke up twice. both times he dumped me, the 2nd time hit much worse and much harder than the first. i have never felt so low in my life. i am so thankful that my best friends had not yet moved interstate (another sad thing to happen the year later). if i had been alone, i probably would have just killed myself. we got back together, but after we had already committed to try again, i discovered there was another woman, that he had been seeing and had said explicit things to when we were still together. worse, he gaslit me for WEEKS after this revelation came out. he didn’t want to admit it. multiple therapy sessions later, he finally owned up and properly apologised.

in 2018, my father was diagnosed with a terminal illness. what a shit thing to happen. similarly, i had started off 2018 with the mindset of leaving the past crappy year behind, but then this bombshell dropped on my family. of course i am upset. we haven’t always had the best relationship, and it was always tested due to my father’s alcholism and his subsequent violent outbursts. but we had tried to mend and move forward. especially after his diagnosis, i was overcome with feelings of shame and guilt, feelings that weren’t entirely valid or relevant, but strong. i felt i had to make up for lost time. to build memories that we lacked in our father/daughter relationship. i bought him tickets to sport games, movies, his favourite books and dvds. i started to call him and tell him that i love him. things i never did before. i know it is a trope to suddenly care about family once they become sick, i understand that many of these things are driven by guilt. but i want him to enjoy the time he may or may not have left. i want him to think fondly of me. my father has always battled depression and i did not want him to drink himself to death. i wanted to be a reason for him to hold on. i hope i am that now.

in 2019, i found out j had been talking to yet another woman behind my back. a woman that worked next to him. like i had mentioned, we don’t get to spend much time together during the week. this woman he got to see for those 10 hours a day he is at work. i was overcome with depression and jealousy. he gaslit me, again, but this time it lasted over a year. i have struggled immensely with these feelings, especially now. i do not trust him. i want to trust my partner of 5 years. i want to feel unconditional honesty. but we don’t have that, and it’s his fault. but i still blame myself. i have put on weight these past couple years, the meds im taking due to my chronic pain are making me feel sexless, tired, depressed. i am trying very hard to make things work but 3 or 4 times a week i think - maybe its time to let this go? move on?

i tried to break up with J this year. i said - i can’t do this. i can’t go through this pain every year that you create, that you make worse by lying, by putting it back on me. what am i worth? i don’t even know anymore. i like to think he is trying and i know he is. he accepts responsibility now and he says it. he says he needs to do more. that he doesn’t want to lose me. then why talk to these women? are they fantasies? how do they feel about being used if you never had the intention to leave me?

so i started 2020, trying to be confident. a new year. this year, there will be no soul-crushing news. there will be no bad luck, there will be positivity and attempts at a new life. i was going to travel to see my best friends, go out to bars more, drink and dance more, work out more. we even made plans to move interstate.

so now, yes, almost laughably, this year has turned out pretty fucking awful. for everyone, this time, i guess. my friends asked me how i’m managing this year with everything - i work in retail, a job i can’t do from home, so it’s very likely i will lose my job by the end of this year, and subsequently lose all my (already shit) income. i just laughed. what else can we do at this point? can i do?

as i said to my brother last night, “just keep on trucking on and hope we don’t all die by the end of the year.”

and if we do, fuck it. just keep on trucking on. 2021 better be the best fucking year of my life.

Last updated July 23, 2020