The Beat Continues To Go On in meh...

  • July 23, 2020, 6:39 p.m.
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  • Public

My children’s grandmother, their father’s mother, has been hospitalized for COVID-19. My daughter called and said that her father sent her a message. She was kind of caught because she hasn’t been speaking to her father or that side of the family for that matter. While she and I were on the phone, he sends me a text to let me know and to ask for prayers. After I got off the phone with my daughter I did.

I’ve been tempting to write, but I’ve been PMSing so I didn’t want to go on some monthly emotional driveled rant about my life sucks. lol I will just now go on a regular rant about my life sucks. LOL

Not that it suck, but I’ve come to some conclusions, ones that I’ve come to before, but now I’m motivated to do something. See, I was talking to my mother about something and the mail came. There was this paper from work that I believe I have to do something with and return it. It’s about retirement stuff. Thing about that is it’s crap. They shut down the retirement benefit sometime around 2007 to some employees of a certain age. There were those who would still receive a pension because of the age they were. I was in my early, mid 20’s when I started here so pretty much screw me. So I came to realize that I am able to receive a portion of pension. By the time I retire, should I retire on schedule, I will receive a whopping $45 a month until the 3k+ runs out I assume.

This made me think long and hard about why I am still here. I always evaluate my place. As I was talking to my mother, I realized how stupid I’ve been. I’ve celebrated being on a job for 20 years, but what will I have to show for it? I’ve long said I’m looking to find somewhere else I can retire from but I just really don’t know what’s out there to do. I went to school and still can’t find a job in the field because I still need experience. By the time the jobs were saying, “If you are a recent graduate of a program,” I’d been out of the program 2 years. I don’t use the knowledge in my daily life so guess what’s falling by the wayside unless I stay in the books? Money down the drain and for what? So what do I do? Do I go back to school again? There have been so many technological changes and I can pick them up quickly, but no one wants anyone who doesn’t have at least an inkling of what’s going on.

This puts me back at square one. I’ve become unmarketable and boxed in. I got interviewed for a job as a receptionist. Perhaps, if I had been as hungry as I am now and had sold myself better. I don’t know how to do that. Not because I lack confidence in myself, but because I don’t know how to sell myself. I just don’t.

Then I had a thought: What is a real need in the community that’s not based in capitalism or consumerism? The need can be across cultures and all the other stuff that divides us. I don’t care about any of that. I want to do something for people. Because when you do stuff for people, they stop being hateful. Of course there are a few folks that thrive on conflict, but we have to start something somewhere. Whatever I do, I want it to mean something. Not for my recognition or glory. I’m just me trying do what I do. And as much as people get on my damn nerves EVERYDAY, I just want to help them. As a child I was always compassionate and a crybaby and wanted to help everyone. Time and circumstance hardened my exterior, but I’m still a softy. I just seem mean. lol

In other news, I’ve been toying around with online dating. Once upon a time when Yahoo personals was a thing, I put me on it. I wasn’t willing to pay for a subscription to do anything further than that. I guess all of those other platforms make it where you have to pay to use it too. Then again, I’m so stuck in my ways and my own insecurities, I don’t know if I have the endurance to put up with men’s crap. I also figure if I start dating again, this will help me get over Him and move on with my life. That is such a dude approach to it. “Men don’t heal, they ho.” Maybe this method just appeals to my sense of “Oh! Something new and shiny to play with.” Which is still a dude approach. ::smh::


Anyway, I’m looking to retire from somewhere or create something that I can help people, retire from, and life comfortably after.

In Jesus name I pray for this. Amen.

Take care of yourself.

Kindest regards,

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