Continuation in First entry

The saga continues. I come home early because my wife said she had a doctor appointment. When I get home I plug in the ring camera. She tells me I have to give her the combination to my gun safe. I asked my attorney and she doesn’t agree. I told my wife I would open it and make her a copy of our shared documents and and give her any personal documents she wants. She didn’t like it. I told her that’s just what’s going to happen. I realize she doesn’t like it, but that’s what I’ve been advised to do. Then as she leaves I realize the ring camera I plugged in was unplugged. I text her and explained when I come home I want it plugged up because she threatened to make a false DV claim and I want it for my protection. It’s part of my personal security system. It’s to protect me. She replied with speak to my attorney. It’s fairly childish. I’m tempted to change the locks and watch her freak out. She has given me notice she has rented a house, then she is under contract on a different house. She has said she is separated. That’s sufficient evidence that she has established other residents. If I had someone to watch the kids I would change the locks and just tell her she can come see the kids while I am home. She has stated she didn’t need to be here to work. I’m tired of stupid games. Why does it have to be like this?

It’s going to be messy, I get that. Its just, I really don’t want to do this. I still love her despite everything. I want to go to counseling. I want to keep my family. I ran across an old photo of us going to a Keith Urban concert. We were so young. She was absolutely beautiful. It made memories come flooding in. Our trip to Hawaii, 7 trips to Disney World (both solo and with kids) our trip to her Graduation then Gettysburg, then DC and finally in Disney world. I remember the trip to Catalina Island. We grew into adults together. A lifetime of memories. She is throwing it all away for an old boyfriend that just got out of prison. I keep trying to understand what he has to offer or what he can give her that I can’t? That new love feeling will fade and then what? I still worry about her. Yes, she drives me crazy, but I can’t bring myself to believe this is the woman I know.

I signed the custody order today and sent it in. My primary goal of all of this is to protect my children from her instability. I want to keep her boyfriend from influencing my children. He’s no good. He’s a 38 year old man that still rides a skate board. He has no roots, no positive outlook for the future. He got into a fist fight just this past march. I’ve had plenty of times I’ve been fight mad, but I know it would hurt my future. I use my words. I can think my way through conflict. What’s he going to teach my children? How to roll a blunt? Maybe how to make a prison shank? I’m sure he has some redeeming qualities, but his pattern of behavior shows me he isn’t fit to be around my children. I fear she is making an impulsive decision that’s going to destroy her future. I know I can’t do anything about it, but it still makes me sad. My heart is still breaking through all of this.

I’m studying about forgiveness. I’m running into a barrier with forgiving someone that has no remorse. I’m trying. I can say the words, but I want to feel the forgiveness in my heart. At this point I just want her home, though I know that’s not possible. Not until she hits bottom. Them maybe. Deep down that’s one of the reasons I want to keep this house. I hope she at some point wakes up and gets the help she needs and comes back to her senses. I don’t know if that’s possible, but I can always hope. Until then, I have no other choice but to travel the path that protects my family.