That’s how I’ve always felt about pretty much everyone, like I’m just this little nothing small-town girl and I don’t fit in, I’m not good enough, smart enough, educated enough. It’s a particularly powerful feeling in relation to the Unicorn. I can remember thinking in high school, every time I saw him, that it’s no wonder he never asked me out again. He was so out of my league. So good looking and smart and talented and… everything I am not. Didn’t stop me wishing he’d just ask me out again, though. But there was no surprise, really, when he didn’t, because I just knew I wasn’t good enough for him. He deserved so much better than me.
I still feel like that every day, honestly. I’m still completely baffled by his attention and affection. Sometimes it feels like a trick, maybe. Or I can’t stop myself thinking that it really must just be the sex and everything else is just a facade to keep that coming, you know? But it’s not, I know it’s not, that’s stupid. It’s just that I feel like no one has ever really wanted me for anything else, like the rest of me was just tolerated for the sex. That obviously doesn’t apply to my most recent ex. Hell, I was lucky to have sex once every 6 months with him. But see, it wasn’t the sex he wanted from me, it was the green card that I never delivered, so…
I just feel like everyone has always just used me in some way to get something they wanted and I don’t quite know how to conduct myself in a relationship where no demands are being made of me. Especially in a relationship with someone who is so far out of my league that every day feels like a dream, like it must be a dream, because what on earth could he possibly see in me that makes me worthy of being a part of his life? I just can’t get my head around it, even though he tells me all the time how and why I’m amazing-wonderful-fantastic. I can see the things about me that he sees but I don’t think I see them in the way he does. I don’t know how to look at myself and see and genuinely believe these good things about me, or see them as good things and not just the results of a lifetime of trauma.
I don’t reach out to him. I don’t call him when I need to talk. When I do talk, I often never come close to touching on the thoughts in my head, things that I want to talk about or have been wanting to bring up. I just bottle it all up and wait for the phone to ring and then I can’t just spill it all out because I’m always afraid of starting the wrong conversation at the wrong time. Because, in the past, I was vilified for doing that. “You’re gonna bring this up now?!” “Why do you always do this?” I was berated for touching on sensitive topics. Heaven forbid I need to talk about any negative feelings or insecurities I’ve been having. I learned a long time ago not to reach out to someone when I needed them because they were always just going to turn everything around and make me out to be an emotionally out-of-control monster.
I was doing alright for awhile there. Lately I’ve been more and more self-conscious and feeling a tremendous amount of insecurity. Navigating this relationship feels a bit like trying to walk across a lake on floating tiles that are constantly shifting and sinking. I don’t know what kind of behavior is acceptable because I’ve never been in this kind of relationship before. I’m in constant fear of saying the wrong thing, expressing the wrong emotions. I’m afraid my insecurities will be viewed as weakness and then he will see me as less and won’t want me anymore. I worry that he’ll only want me as long as I can maintain rigid control of myself, only say certain things and be a certain way. I worry that I’ll say the wrong thing, express the wrong opinion, and that’ll be that, he’ll be done with me.
I am the person that I have presented, but I am also another person on the inside. I don’t feel like I’m anywhere near as awesome as he thinks I am. There are facts about my life that someone might hear and think, “Jeez, that’s amazing, you’re so strong for surviving that!” or “You’re doing an incredible job of overcoming…” any one of the hundred things I’ve overcome. But, to me, it never felt like surviving or overcoming anything because I always assumed I deserved whatever rotten shit life threw at me and I was just being the good girl I was raised to be by just taking it.
So, I don’t reach out, I don’t talk about the super-deep things a lot, and I don’t call because there has always been this thought in my mind that he is way out of my league. I’ve had such a shitty white trash life and he’s had this exciting big city life and what in the world would I ever have to offer him?
And also there is the overwhelming idea that if he wanted to talk to me, if he had the free time and ability, he would. I just figure if he’s not calling or vidchatting me it’s because he’s unable or doesn’t want to and I should just accept that and not be an annoyance. Because if I’m an annoyance, he won’t want me anymore. If I don’t navigate carefully, he won’t want me anymore. If he had the time and inclination, he’d call. I mean, if I had my way, we’d vidchat every day, or at least talk on the phone, and that’s just me being honest. And that’s the problem, I think. I feel ashamed and guilty for “wanting more” than he is able or willing to give. I feel like, if I were to call as often as I wished, I’d lose him. I would become “too much” and I’ve heard that enough times in my life to know it’s not a great place to be within myself. Not that I’m in a great place right now, but being viewed as “too much” is even worse.
So, I spend my days trying not to love so hard. Putting a damper on my emotions so they aren’t perceived as out of control or over the top or too much. I don’t express even half of the things I think and feel about him. I’ve never loved another human this way and I’m so afraid of losing him that I feel like I actually have to be someone different than I am so I can keep telling him even just a little how much I love him and how much he means to me and so I can continue to be worthy of his love and affection.
Yes, I know, this all sounds so fucked up and convoluted and confusing. Welcome to my brain.
From my previous entry:
People with Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria may:
-Be easily embarrassed - This one is weird for me because I’m generally not easily embarrassed. Like, I have no filter, I just blurt shit out with no shame whatsoever. I do not easily embarrass myself, but in some situations, I become painfully embarrassed by someone else.
-Get very angry or have an emotional outburst when they feel like someone has hurt or rejected them - 100% this. “Very angry” is an understatement and my emotional outbursts of the past were epic and triggered by the smallest perceived slight.
-Set high standards for themselves they often can’t meet - Because setting high standards for myself that I know I can’t meet means I can keep myself right down here at the bottom where I belong.
-Have low self-esteem - Low or non-existent self-esteem for me most of the time.
-Feel anxious, especially in social settings - So much social anxiety.
-Have problems with relationships - I’ve never had anything but problems in relationships… until now.
-Stay away from social situations and withdraw from other people - I am a champion of isolating myself. If I don’t put myself in the social situations, I take no risk of feeling anxious or embarrassed.
-Feel like a failure because they haven’t lived up to other people’s expectations - Always, always, even when it’s not even an expectation someone had of me, better believe I’ll fail at it, anyway.
-Sometimes think about hurting themselves - I attempted suicide multiple times in my youth. I no longer have thoughts about hurting myself, but I do still (rarely) have thoughts like, “The world would be better off if I just didn’t wake up in the morning,” or I’ll wake up crying because I woke up and didn’t want to ever wake up again.
All of these things, these symptoms, are undeniable. I can think of countless examples for how each of them applies to me. And RSD and ADHD more perfectly explain me than any other diagnosis I’ve received. Could all of these things really be controlled with a pill? Could I become a more “normal” person if I got treatment? Could I pick up the phone and call instead of just sitting and working my mind up into a frenzy of negative self-talk?
I don’t know, but I intend to find out, because I’m sick and fucking tired of being like this, thinking like this, feeling like this.