Life Doesn’t Move Me in Current Events

Pardon my melodramatic entry title but I can’t stir up my insides today. I failed to not be overstimulated but I did not know what else to do today. I had a few beers in the afternoon, I played with my niece and nephew and then cooked a big south Asian supper. My side quest was to try stimulating some nuanced dialogue about politics on Facebook with friends and strangers which turned into myself being attacked instead of my arguments. This is all new territory for me as I avoided conflicted of any kind in the past. It’s not that I think I am right about everything I just, I dunno. Even as I was getting character assassinated all day I still couldn’t feel… alive? At least I learned that I can be insulted all day without it affecting my self esteem. I’ll have to tell that to my social anxiety some time. I was misjudged all day and survived.

I’ve been doing some overthinking. I did lose a lot of respect from people that used to know me. Lost a few friendships since my spiritual awakening let alone my political one. I really am not that same person though. I am a freak of nature to them. How is a gay, First Nations, vegan, rape survivor who grew up in “poverty” without a father end up as a non liberal? I’m more left than people think it’s just that I woke up to seeing how my pain was being exploited. Woke up to people trying to sell me my own oppression. I am equal. I have agency. Maybe this is bothering me a bit. This is a new identity after all. I am not a sexuality, I have a sexuality. I am not a gender, I have a gender. I am not an ethnicity, I have an ethnicity. I am not politics, I have political beliefs. I can participate in these identities without having to let myself belong to them. This one is just new and exciting because I never consumed politics before because it always felt unsafe for me. Just vote liberal and they’ll take care of you. I can take care of me thank you very much.

On that note, I have not been taking care of me lol. In the book I’m reading I’m told to take care of myself the way I would take care of a child, so to speak. Give that child structure, feed them nutrition, take them to the vet. Ok, I will try and inspire myself to do that tomorrow. I should try and sleep now, I’m typing this from my phone. I keep waking up feeling high in the middle of the night and I don’t like it. Something is going on with my meds, I assume it’s my meds. My spiritual guides would say that it is my kundalini. I want to come off them, my meds. I keep forgetting to call my damn doctor. If I was my kid I wouldn’t put that off so I guess that is what my book meant. Twa twi two. Ta