War in First entry

War was the term she used for what we are about to encounter. All because I obtained an attorney. The truth is, I have no desire to fight. I don’t care about the stuff. It’s useless money. Just stuff to argue and and divide. Right mow, I’m focused in trying to make this as stable as it can be for my kids. They don’t understand you think you’re in love. They didn’t do anything to have their world ripped apart. Why does it have to be war? I tried to talk to you. I tried to handle this amicably. I told you I didn’t want him around my kids. Can you see you forced my hand. You left me no choice when you said I didn’t have a say. When you said there was nothing I could do about it. Your boyfriend’s criminal pattern of behavior has proven who he is. If it was one stupid night, I get that, but 18 charges over a 20 year history isn’t a one time mistake. That’s a life style. It’s funny before the attorney she was telling me to accept she was in love with this guy. Now they are just friends. He meets her in DC and she comes back hellbent on divorce and they are just friends a week later she flies out to Arizona to see him, using her dad in ICU as a cover up. Then he flies back with her and they have been shacked up since. But he is just a friend? She will admit they are sleeping I the same room, but not in the same bed. Just another lie. The problem with lies is that you have to usually tell another one to cover up the previous lie until you get pinned down. She has seen me pin so many excellent liars down. How does she think she will actually get away with it? Do you truly believe that once I figured things out that I wouldn’t dig deeper and discover the truth? The fact is I don’t want to hurt her. I want her to get help. I want her to talk to the people that truly love her. Talk to an unbiased 3rd party counselor. He decisions are not logical and she will admit that.

I used to work closely with convicts. I’ve seen the draw women in and used them. It’s like a game for them. Even higher stakes now that he is out and needs a place to live. It’s easy for him to play nice as things are getting set up. He sees that our marriage was struggling and he exploited it for his gain. He will be back in prison. She will be drained, used and left in a bad situation. He doesn’t care. I’ve talked the the inmates about it. I taught them how to plumb. I taught them about life, but often, for felons, it’s a game of survival. Before he went to DC he made a Facebook post that said “Fellas, you better take care of your women because there’s a whole line of men like me just waiting for you to f*ck up.” I mean to some extent it’s true. The problem is I’ve seen your type. She’s a grown woman that has to figure this out on her own. My kids on the other hand, you have to go through me to get to them. I’ll battle to the depths of hell to keep them safe. This isn’t prison and I’m not one of your fellow convicts. I have my priorities right, my heart is feeling good and my kids are well worth fighting for. I have no doubt his true colors will shine through. Just to provide some perspective this is how my wife’s mind is thinking. She said that I should get to know him. I might actually like him. He has been doing tattoos for 17 years and he is pretty good. He could do my half sleeve I’ve been talking about for the last 8 or so years. It made me laugh. The guy is a prison tattoo artist. He maybe good, but prison ink doesn’t count. This all stemmed from a conversation about my son’s birthday gifts. She said he bought my son a book. After everything, after me telling her I didn’t want him involved in my kid’s lives, she actually think I’m going to be ok with he boyfriend that is partly responsible for ripping our lives apart to buy him a gift. She said she would tell my son it was from one of her friends. Naturally that’s not going to happen. I told her if I find out that book goes to my son, i will tell him exactly who it is from and how he fits in the entire picture. I will expose her affair and make sure my son knows he is the reason that mommy is walking out. The reality it’s a bluff, I would most likely throw it away and leave it at that. Again, I’m protecting my kids. He isn’t going to buy my kids. I get it, it’s a way of saying hey little buddy I got you something. I’m a good guy. Well, no you don’t rip their lives apart and then try to move in as the nice guy.

I wish my wife could feel my heart. I wish she understood I want her in all of our lives. If she has the need to prove she can make it on her own, there’s no doubt in my mind she can. She smart, good with money and typically she can plan fairly well. The problem is I have noticed a distinct and distinguishable change in her mannerisms. More profanity, the words she using the way she is phrasing the past. It may not make since to anyone reading, but clearly her mind and judgement are clouded. All I see is a rebellious teenager throwing a temper tantrum because she wants things to go exactly how she saw them going in her head. She needs me to sign a document so she can buy her house. I sent it to my attorney to understand the ramifications. My attorney was in court, but said she did not recommend me signing it. I’ll find out why this week. I k know my wife doesn’t get it, but why would the attorney say that? She doesn’t care if my wife buys the house or not. My wife acts as if I’m intentionally trying to block her in some malicious act to block her happiness. No, that’s not the case. The fact is she thinks she is in love with a guy that will be a bad influence on my kids. Now she has said if I don’t want him around the kids he will go stay in a studio or live somewhere else when the kids come over. Does she really believe I’m going to trust her when she has done nothing but lie to me? No, I’ll go through the courts. I’ll have a judge look at his record and block him from having any interaction with my kids. Every person we allow around our kids will influence them. That’s why I have told my mom my stepdad isn’t allowed around my kids. Sometimes he is a decent guy, but the 3rd time he made plans with my kids and didn’t follow through or showed his ass at a celebration, I cut him off. It’s my obligation to my children to do what’s best for them. I want them around their mom. But clearly at this moment she isn’t chosing what is best for them. She has a fantasy what life will be like and unfortunately it doesn’t reflect reality at all. I wonder when they first started talking. How well does she really know him? What happens once she gets the house set up and he turns back to drugs or turns abusive? That’s not something I’m willing to risk for my kids. I saw it with my mom growing up. My mom dated losers like this guy. I’ll never forget the night one of her boyfriends came I her window and I walked in as he was beating on her. I’ll never let my kids even remotely have the opportunity to be exposed to that. The guy is 38 and never been married. There’s a reason for that. I realize she is blinded, but right now I’m sitting on a strong foundation and I see clearly. I love her with all of my heart, but I can’t forsake my kids and allow the possibility of them getting even more hurt.

Tonight my son broke down crying over a small argument. It’s not typical for him. Since she has been gone, I have seen both kids start exhibiting signs they are struggling with the situation. My son is much more emotional. My daughter is just begging for us to family things. My wife promised we would go in the pool as a family. She lied. She finished making my son’s cake and left to get back to her boyfriend. I’m left here to hug them and tell them it will be ok. My daughters hair is so terrible. It has been neglected for way too long. It’s matted and it’s all one large piece of matted hair. That was always my wife’s thing. She used to take so much pride in being the vanilla mom with a chocolate princess and she would never let her hair get bad. I’ve take over that duty. Slowly I am working the mats out of her hair and then I braid or twist it. My wife saw the braids and she asked me where I had been this whole time. I told her it wasn’t that I couldn’t do it, it was that my daughter’s hair was her thing and she wanted that to be her thing. Don’t get me wrong, my braids were pretty good, but still. None of the things she was doing because I couldn’t. It was because she wanted to own them or we agreed because she wanted to stay at home with the kids that would be her responsibility as I go out and earn a living for the family. I’m working 50-60 hours per week plus drive time plus serving in the Army Reserve. It was all I could do to make sure I had time for my family. The cooking, cleaning, animals, those were tasks she agreed would be in her court as a stay at home mom. Then when she started working part time, she was working 10-15 hours a week and she still had more time to do those things. The problem is they didn’t get done. Yes, I was a jerk, not all the time, but I made comments i shouldn’t have. That doesn’t explain where we are today. That’s not justification to have an affair and abandon your family. I’ve never for one second believed my wife couldn’t make it without me. I don’t believe she thinks i can make it without her. Underestimating is the wrong choice. The house hasn’t been cleaner than when she left. The kids have what they need. We will be ok. Today she asked about their college funds. I showed her my budget. I explained I don’t have the money to continue the college funds. Hell I have to stop my retirement account as well. I told her at the start that she didn’t fully understand how this decision would affect the kids. What potentially they could have been will be lessened. Statistically it’s proven kids from two parent households are more successful. That doesn’t me they can’t be successful. It means they will struggle more. She sees me and sees my success and believes that they will be fine. She has no clue how hard it was to get to where I am at. How much I poured into achieving this. I push both her and I to be the best we could be. That’s why she has a master’s degree and no student debt. I was working 60 hours plus to have pay that and to pay off what loans she had to take out. It’s all for nothing at this point. Ultimately, I know I am going to be fine. My kids, I’ll throw them on my shoulders and lift them up. It’s just going to be a more challenging struggle. I still pray she opens her eyes and sees I’m not the enemy before it’s too late. We can still save this. I believe in it. It’s never too late. So far the only two deal breakers I think I would have is if she get pregnant or if she let’s him tattoo her. I can handle ink from before we were married but tattoos that permanently mark this betrayal whole we are married, I don’t know if that’s something I can handle. I’ll cross that bridge when I get there.