I, ME, proposed in Musings

Everyone knows this about me…
The only thing I do outdoors, is brunch.

Liam is such a hick, hillbilly Puerto Rican and during this whole pandemic, he’s been finding ways and forcing me to go hiking and do all this outdoor shit with him.

First of fucking all—I don’t own hiking shoes… or anything I’d like to just wear to walk in mud and step of fucking beetles and millipedes with.
Second of all— how am I suppose to have a relaxing cocktail in the middle god knows where, with mosquitos that look like bats, in ice cold river water with nearby bears wandering and shit.

Nonetheless… I love Liam and I had to buy these fucking ugly, ugly hiking sneakers and no offense to anyone who owns Adidas (or sneakers for that matter) but it really hurt when I swiped my card to buy these atrocities of a shoe… I don’t mind buying 1500$ shoes— or a sensible dad Balenciaga sneaker, it’s fashion, it’s cute. I can’t pair these shoes with anything other than hideous cargo shorts, which I only bought one pair and wore once and threw them out and just wore my regular party shorts.

I mean I get it… Liam knows that I haven’t been coping well with pandemic and the bills that I am accruing because of my inability to work at the moment… my business is suffering and I’m backed up on rent for the space, I am trying my absolute best to be a good boss and helping out my staff–particularly my assistants, with there bills because I feel like it is my duty to help them as much as I can… I’ve really been humbled, hard, during covid… I have a gofund me for the salon and the proceeds go to the assistants of the salon primarily and then to prepare to meet all sorts of new covid PPE regulations, and it’s hard… and I’ve gone through so many breakdowns…
Liam has been keeping me afloat Emotionally, he’s been struggling with his own business but his store doesn’t have as many employees as I do and he’s been able to receive financial assistance… I mean if there is a definition of a man in the dictionary it would have his picture next to it “a human with an XY chromosome pair, who wipes your tears away and forces you to realize that you will be okay”

So he makes these elaborate hiking plans… he loves to hike and swim in rivers and do all that weird outdoorsy shit. I mean we went to Lake Placid, I think that’s what it was, and he rented a cute little cabin that we had to hike to. He’s forcing these activities on me, I mean I don’t like it, climbing fucking hills and screaming because a huge fucking millipede or centipede or whatever creepy crawler big is next to my shoe while I’m taking a piss in a bush, or him pulling me away from poison ivy… learning how to make fires with sticks and it’s a lot…
Yeah… I am a very spoiled, vain, prissy little bitch.

On this trail we walked for what seemed to me for years… but when I looked at my watch, I was like wait I’ve only been walking for an hour…

The sights I’ve seen are beautiful and we found a river with beautiful rapids. I really wish this whole experience was recorded as I remember it… imagine a completely tattooed guy, sweating his ass off shirtless, carrying a huge backpack with both of our things (well mostly my things and accessories that would keep me looking cute for season 1 summer line of hiking at Paris fashion week) and I’m trailing behind him in new hiking shoes, dressed in all black with a family size bottle of OFF spray, a little bandana tied around my neck.
He found some off the beaten path area and he dumps the backpack on the ground and digs for a little blanket and sets it up, while I’m trying to instagram the moment. He kicks off his shoes and his socks, and I just hear him scolding me “fucking get off your phone Andy! Come lay here with me babe! Do you even have reception?!”
“Uhh no, but I’m saving it and posting later!”
He rolls his eyes and sucks his teeth and slides off his pants. And I shove my phone into my fanny pack.
“Ahh” he said as I walked toward him and sat on the blanket.
“I gotta get half naked for you to pay attention to me now?!” He said as he pushed me back on to the blanket “Holy fucking Christ it’s hot!”

It’s so fascinating to me how much I’ve learned about Liam… all these little quirks and boundless knowledge he has about outdoor survival… he knows how to use a compass, he knows what plants you can and can’t eat in the wild, what sticks to use for fire, how to read a map and even though I hated being outdoors because I’m not a nature person—I really loved being with him and it wasn’t terrible. He had rope… a first aid kit, life jackets, he had little hiking food(I mean it’s gross) like I felt like it was dangerous at first but if there is an apocalypse, I know that I would die if I didn’t have him…
He tied this rope to a nearby tree, got butt naked and made me out on a life jacket and he put on his, the rapids where we were weren’t crazy, but he secured us so that we wouldn’t just accidentally be over zealous and accidentally make a mis-step, fall in and drown.
I didn’t get in the water but he dipped himself in it and afterwards he showed me how to make a hammock as he’s butt ass naked.. he roped off a small perimeter around us to avoid passerby’s or ward off any sort of wild animals, he pulled out the food and put it at a distance, so if there was something to attack us because they smell or see food it would be separate from our vital things… it was so interesting to see how his mind works.
It felt like very veiled homoeroticism in Tom Sawyer or Huckleberry Finn the Mark Twain New York City edition.
We climbed into the hammock, and we kissed for hours as he stripped me piece by piece. I didn’t really realize all the ways you can have sex on a hammock and holy fucking shit it was intense.
His deodorant wore off and the smell of his body and sweat was intoxicating. Like salty, sweet musk, the river left the imprint of subtle earthy notes. The flavor of his mouth tasted like candied copper, I feel like we were making our so much that our lips bled into each other’s mouths. I’ve never orgasmed so intensely and I’ve never, felt more safe, secure and complete. Watching him inside of me, directing me forcefully and gently. As I came, he pulled my hair and shoved my fingers into his mouth as he grunted loudly, his voice felt like the spirit of the soil from the earth under his feet possessed him as I felt him burying himself deeply in me, feeling him throbbing hard inside of me as he came inside me; collapsing gently rubbing chest to chest as he buried his mouth on my neck. Kissing the side of my face. His heart felt like it was beating in my own chest. “I love you so much Andy” he whispered in my ear as I wrapped my arms around his neck, kissed his shoulder, pressed my hand on his chest and I know we are boys and orgasms really fuck us up and make us say things we don’t mean, but this was post-orgasm… and I feel like I’ve always been proposed to—

As we got dressed up quickly before we lost the sun, we walked to the cabin… I held his hand and sometimes I really want to know what he’s thinking. I know that I am the emotional and delicate partner and I’m extremely complicated and a walking paradox because I teeter totter between being ‘feminine’ but also asserting ‘masculinity’ and not wanting to be feminized, but also not wanting to play the role of the masculine—I’m just warped in the head and covid and quarantine has made me see this even more—like why can’t I just be? Why does my man want me to crossdress so that I can be vulnerable to him and then he’s vulnerable to me and I kind of sweep it under the rug and a lot of the times I know that he has to fit or play this role of “I’m the man of this relationship. I know I have to court you and take care of you” and all the heteronormative actions that I tend to drift toward…

And as he’s talking and we’re just walking I am picking up pieces of plants and greens behind his back…
We get to the cabin and it’s beautiful and he’s done everything, everything that I expect from him…there’s a bottle of Veuve Cliquot in a ice bucket that’s half melted, dim lights and a view of the forest… it’s beautiful and romantic. I hug him and he laughs and just says “you’re so freaking cute babe” and I tell him “I’m gonna shower really quick” and he just nods his head.

I walk into the bathroom and pull out all the little grass and leaves I’ve collected out of my pocket like a little kid. Run the shower… and I start making a little circle out of the grass and leaves.
Carefully placing, braiding, twisting it to form a semblance of a ring… and I feel so stupid, but then again that’s just the old me talking… the man I’m pretending to be, who’s not vulnerable, who’s afraid to do stupid things because it’s not masculine enough… and I know his ring finger is the size of my thumb, and I make sure that the little grass ring that I made from the happiness and pure love, and giggly feeling that I suppress so much, fits my thumb…

And I walk out of the shower after 45 mins of making this for him and he’s on the porch drinking a beer, listening to a podcast. I walk out to the porch.
“Hey babe” he said smiling at me. Reaching out, wrapping his arm around my waist. “You’re so handsome, you know that?” He said pressing his face into my stomach.
“Haha thanks!” I said, feeling my stomach churning and my mind racing and feeling stupid about my idea.
“Babe I wanna tell you something” I said as I kneeled in front of him… I felt like he would know what was going to happen but that’s just me being so egotistical and hoping that he would just save me the type of embarrassment that I’m feeling. He turned off his phone and turned to me and his face turned pale white “did I do something wrong?” And it broke my heart that maybe I’ve treated this man so terribly that his response to me talking to him or expressing something to him is always a bad thing or something extraordinary.

“You didn’t do anything wrong… you’ve done everything right and you’re the best person I’ve ever known” I said as I gulped and my voice quivered. His eyes glistened in the sunset, and the sound of crickets became so deafeningly loud. He dropped to his knees in front of me “you’re cheating on me? You wanna break up with me Andy? What’s good with you Andrés?” He said. I just stared at him and I just felt so guilty and awful that I’ve treated this man so badly or I’ve been so engulfed in myself that if I have to say something to him, his initial reaction isn’t painting me in a positive light.
“Yo!” He said grabbing my face to his and pressing his forehead on mine “talk to me”
I put my hand in my pocket and told hind to stand up. “I just want to say that I’m in love with you and you’re such a good person to me and I don’t really deserve a good guy like you”
“Aw man shut up. You’re beyond good to me Andy” he said as I pulled out my little grass ring and he’s trying to pull me up.
“Nah, let me finish on my knee” I said “I mean I want you to be my forever and I didn’t truly realize that until we laid in that hammock” I said as my voice quivered and I felt like I wanted to cry “you make me uncomfortable, you force me to do things I don’t like, you take my bullshit and you literally carry all of my things both physical and metaphorical and you just do it with no problem”
“Okay… babe…” he said
“It’s not much but it’s from me, it’s not Tiffany’s but it’s made with the love and the memories of today and the love that I want to show you forever” I held out my little grass ring and grabbed his left hand “I know you’ve done this for me and I never did it for you” and then his mind clicked “will you marry me Liam? Can I keep you?”
And I felt tears rolling down my eyes because it’s so difficult for me to be so vulnerable and in the position of being rejected…
“Yo… you’re serious?” He said as he slipped his finger onto the little braided grass ring And I looked up at him and nodded “yeah Liam I’m serious” I said…”oh hell yeah!” He yelled and he lifted me up from the ground “oh fuck yes! I want to be yours forever! I’m gonna drag you hiking with me until we’re little old men with white hair” And he hugged me tightly and yelled into the sky “YES!!!!”
“I love you Andy. I loved you the first time I met you and you snubbed me and told me ‘I gotta man! And I would neva botha wif a Puerto Rican!’” He said mimicking my voice.
“Shut up I don’t sound like that!” I said.
“Yeah okay…” he said rolling his eyes and wrapping his arms around me. “Just kiss me” he said as I leaned into his lips. “You didn’t even shower did you?” He said kissing my neck.
“No, you cumrag I was making your ring!”
“Oh so I’m a cumrag now? Huh?” He said pushing me against the railing of the porch.
“Yeah” I said giggling in his mouth. He dropped his pants to his ankles and ripped down mine as he pushed his fingers inside of me, pushing me to sit on the rails of the porch as I wrapped my arms around his neck and whimpered in his ear.
“Who’s cum is dripping out of you right now?” He said as he wrapped my legs around his waist. He spit on his hand and began to stroke himself as he pulled down my shirt, kissing my chest.
“I’m gonna make love to you so much all night” he said as he bit my bottom lip and slid me off the rail and held me in his arms as he slipped completely inside of me, carrying me to the bed.
He pounded me mercilessly as he choked me lightly, softly slapping my face.
His cum from the hammock was dripping out of me as he thrusted.

“I love you Andy”
“I love you Liam”

I’ve cried so many times in quarantine. I’ve found myself. I’ve made a conscious decision to marry someone that I want to marry and it’s out in the open. He might’ve proposed first, but I proposed better lol