Children are to be seen and not heard.
Those two statements pretty much sum up everything I learned from my mother as a young child. Unfortunately, they have carried over well into adulthood.
I still feel like a child in a lot of ways. It’s difficult for me to acknowledge when I’m the oldest person in the room because I never feel like the oldest person in the room.
I have a really hard time reaching out to people because I should speak only when spoken to. I shouldn’t call someone I really want to talk to because… well, they should call me. I shouldn’t ask this question or that question because, if they wanted me to know, they’d tell me.
The situation this creates in my mind is often devastating. This idea that I should never go first, never ask questions, never make the first move… I don’t know how to overcome it. I don’t know how not to live in fear of speaking.
I feel like there are certain topics I shouldn’t bring up with certain people because those topics inevitably make them uncomfortable, annoyed, or angry. So, bite my tongue, don’t mention that thing that happened because this person will only get annoyed, and it doesn’t matter how much I’d like to have someone to talk to about this or that, I should just be quiet.
I spend the majority of my free time in solitude. No one talks to me and I don’t talk to anyone probably 90% of the time. The devastating situation this creates is me talking to my goddamn self which inevitably leads to a downward spiral into the idea that no one really cares about me. Because, you know, if they did, they would talk to me. If they wanted me to know something, they’d tell me, but they aren’t telling me so obviously they don’t want me to know because obviously I’m not worth telling… or something. It’s ugly, ya’ll.
What all of this can also lead to is a Facebook ban. I have a bad tendency of lashing out on the internet at random strangers when I’ve bottled something up or when I’m feeling particularly… oh, I don’t know… like when I have something to say, when I have someone I want to say it to, but I just can’t bring myself to say it… it’s just more bottling up, you know? And so I lash out at someone that I don’t care about hurting. Because when I’m hurting, even when it’s self-inflicted, I just want to… blow up. So I blow up on random strangers and I get banned because people on the internet are sensitive little snowflakes who report my comment as hate speech or harassment, and boy does Facebook love to ban me. “Men are trash” is hate speech. “Fuck Mormons” is hate speech. “Go fuck yourself, trash” at someone who just said some hateful, bigoted or misogynist thing is harassment. I have had vile shit spewed at me on Facebook and never once has Facebook removed any of it or banned the person saying or posting it. But I say “men are trash” because the majority of them are (and I’ll fight you to the death on that one), I’m a monster, I’ve hurt all the fragile little male egos in the world, and I should be banned for doing so.
I just wish I could stop being afraid to say what I want to say sometimes. I’m really good at saying what I want to say in a hell of a lot of situations - someone says something bigoted in front of me and I shut them down without hesitation. I call out racism, bigotry, misogyny, and ignorance without hesitation. Hell, I had a guy sit down next to me at a bar a few weeks ago, offering to buy me a drink, and I said, “That doesn’t look like 6 feet to me,” and “Do I look like a girl who needs you to buy me a drink?” My racist boss made some shitty comment about a BLM-supporter rally nearby and out of my mouth, immediately, “Black lives matter.”
Like, I give zero fucks about speaking out on a multitude of things, but expressing my thoughts and feelings? Oh hell no, that’s too hard. I should just stay quiet and wait to be spoken to. I should be seen and not heard. Because I am still a child, emotionally stunted in so many ways that I really have no idea how to conduct myself in adult relationships.
Okay, seriously, I took a break from writing this entry to have some food and I replied to a friend’s comment on a Facebook post I made a few hours ago. I said, “I guess maybe a lot of Americans are stupid so they just assume everyone else is, too.” My comment was removed for being “hate speech.” Facebook wouldn’t know hate speech if it jumped up and bit it on the ass.
And now I just feel even more like I should just keep my mouth shut, not have opinions, and not express anything to anyone ever. I know that’s not rational, healthy, or valid thinking, but goddammit, what the fuck is wrong with this world? A hell of a lot of Americans are downright fucking stupid, but even more of them are willfully ignorant. They’re proud of how uneducated and uninformed they are. They think higher learning is evil, a liberal plot to… I don’t know… teach people critical thinking skills so they aren’t fucking stupid enough to vote for republicans.
Fuck you, Mark Zuckerberg. Fuck you with a rusty, hot poker.