Dishes in First entry

Yesterday morning she came home. It was the first time I had seen her since she had gotten back. She was callous and only wanted to focus on dividing our furniture. It was fairly civil. I could see the pain in her eyes. She left to work at her house. I kept the kids here. They don’t know yet. I told her we have to tell them. They are starting to sense things aren’t right. I let them.go in the pool and made them lunch, but I spent the majority of my time in bed crying. I tried to process all of the pain built up in me. I called friends to seek advice on how to take my next step. How do I co-parent and still not revile her for putting us all in this situation. The pain we are all going to feel is devastating. I feel like my heart has a knife through it. Like I’m missing my lungs.

In the afternoon I moped through making dinner. Ravioli and eggplant parmesan. It was from a box. Pretty easy honestly. Afterward I went back to my cave. I finally got up and I did the dishes. I was so proud of myself. I can’t explain it. Then, I put the kids to bed and took a shower. I was feeling good at that point. Not necessarily happy with the situation, but I wasn’t drunk, I had done the dishes and showed. I slept in about 1.5 hour increments. I got 3 of those. I had a weird dream some beautiful woman gave me a hug and said what’s that wonderful smell? I sniffed and said all awkwardly it’s my deodorant. Hahaha.

One of the ladies my wife has been close to has been trying to contact her for a while. Finally my wife answered last night. I don’t know what was said except she gave my wife homework and instead of coming to tuck the kids in bed, she said she is going to her house to do it. My sister called her and they talked. My wife told my sister she isn’t sleeping. That’s all I was told. After yesterday, I have let go of the thought thats she may come back. If she does that’s going to be something between her and God. Right now I have to focus on healing. My heart and trust are so broken, I don’t know what that would be like. I wouldn’t give up on her. I would be open, but I would have to lean on God. I feel shattered and I’m slowly picking up the pieces. I still love her. That I do know.

Finally, the doctors have said my father in law isn’t getting better. My in laws in AZ have asked him to continue to fight, but they understand if he is too tired. That breaks my heart. The only man I’ve ever really had as a father may be gone. I love him. I am still praying for a miracle. My heart is with him and I pray I can give him strength.