Answers in First entry

This will be my first post in which I am actually seeking input from the community. If you haven’t read my post, it may help provide some insight into my situation. Be prepared, a lot of it is pure unfiltered thoughts and emotions that I just had to get out of me.

Quick synopsis. My wife of 15 years has decided to end our marriage. I haven’t been the perfect husband, but I would say I’m far from abusive and I have always placed my family first. The news rocked me. I didn’t handle it well. Then I got my shit together tried to fix myself. She started to reach out as I showed improvement. Things started to get better. Then she went on a business trip and came back with definitive resolve to leave. I’ve been trying to hold it together but I can’t answer these questions.

1) Hiw do I look at my 2 children and tell them this is what’s best when I know it’s absolutely not? Their entire world is about to be ripped from them. I am the rock. Their only constant. How do I support them being ripped away, without agreeing with it? How do I tell them it’s going to be ok? How do I find the bright side? How do I tell them they can only have their rock 50% of the time?

2) I have placed my sole existence into trying to provide and support my family. How do I wake up each day and make the most of it without a purpose? What’s the point of pushing on? I dont care about the money. I dont give a shit about fancy houses or cars. I work so my family can have the best possible things I can provide. I believe every man needs a purpose. What do you do when that purpose is removed?

3) It may never happen, but what do I do if in a year she realizes that this was the biggest mistake of her life and wants to come back? How do I show that mich grace and forgiveness?

4) Why can’t she see that I am willing to work to make this better? Why would she throw 15 years of loyalty away for a roll of the dice? The pain she is inflicting on so many is insane. I’ll give her answer to this and after some bourbon I may understand how she sees this one. She says she is 38 years old and wants to find the type of love where you are excited to see that person every day. My response to that is its bullshit. That’s infatuation. It fades. The truest thing I agree with is I deserve a woman that roots for me to be successful. She says she has never been that woman. I don’t believe her. I could be wrong. She says for 15 years I’ve been little more than the convenient and safe escape. She just always focused on the next vacation or obtaining the next item. This is extremely shallow and I can’t give in to believe it. Hell, maybe it’s the reality of my life. Unfortunately so many will suffer.

5) When I meet her new boyfriend how doni find the heart to tell them congrats? I believe this will be much sooner than later. I have been putting much thought into this and I believe she is interested in a guy if not already talking to him. This is based on the sudden change of heart. I dont know if it’s someone from her work she met on her work trip or another guy o identified on her FB. Again, I could be wrong, but because she wont give me any details, it’s the only possible causation.

I have more questions that will come in future posts, but these are the ones I have driven myself crazy over. I have spent hours thinking over. I can’t find a answer. If I can answer these I can let go. If you are reading this, I ask you give the questions a serious thought and realize I’m genuinely asking, with the intent to find real answers. If you are reading this, please know these are the questions that leave me feeling hopeless. The reality of the situation is, I feel like I have lost my entire world. I’m trying to find a reason to keep going. I haven’t given into the desire to die. I have reached out to a couple of close friends to hold me accountable, but I feel like I have to answer these questions to avoid a life is hell and pain. I don’t honestly know how to deal with this. I’m a tough son of a bitch, but this is brought me to my knees. I am waving my flag of surrender. I can’t go on. I’m not going to kill myself tonight, but I need answers. I am trying to lean on God, but I also know he intervenes as he chooses. I have prayed with true conviction, but I am at a loss. I’ve prayed for wisdom and peace, but this pain is more than I can handle. I send this message in hopes that God sends one of you with wisdom and hope.