Why! in First entry

I’ve gotten 2 hours of sleep the last.two nights. I dont understand. What the fuck have I done so wrong? How can you not see you are about to ruin everyone’s life. 15 years invested, just gone. Our kids, lives just turned upside down. For what? So you can chase the bubbly fucking love? You told me I was the guy that had good morals. I was always the one to do right. I’m an excellent father. Why are you hurting me so bad. Why are you abiut to rip everything apart? It was you that was reaching out saying I love you so much. It was you that kissed me after I said I would wait. It ws you that said thank you for not giving up on me. The reality is I’m running out of strength. My hope is quickly fading. I love you as much as I always have, but I feel like you are about to litterally kill me. I am hurling towards the cliff and noone cares. When I go over, I’ll just be another statistic. Just another one that people say, I always knew he would be one of them. I can’t understand what has changed. You left. You came back. I’m still me. I’m still the one that has stood beside you when you were right or wrong. I pushed you to chase your dreams. I overlooked your shitty housekeeping, your piss poor parenting and your consistent blaming me of why you’re so angry. How to I get repaid? I get the death sentence. I’m angry, I’m sad, I’m hopeless. I’ve owned my mistakes. If I survive this, I will be a better person. I’ve learned from my mistakes. You, you haven’t sought forgiveness once. You haven’t owned any portion of this mess we are in.

Take a step back. There’s no rush. Think. You haven’t spoken to anyone that cares about you. You haven’t actually identified your true feelings or what you want. If you weren’t dragging two innocent kids down you shit slide, I would be more open to letting you go.

I feel alone. I feel used. I feel hopeless. I feel regret. I feel betrayed. I feel abandoned. I feel hopeless. I feel sad that our kids are about to be clubbed over the head because you want to replace me with some other guy. They will not understand. We have our short comings, but ultimately the kids are in the best environment they can be. This is what’s best. Your clock is ticking.....Fuck your clock. You gave up the luxury of being selfish when you decided to have kids. We talked about this. You thought loss would be fun. I thought they would be rewarding.

My prayer for you. If you or God doesn’t open your eyes and change your heart, I pray you learn the patience of being a mother. I wont be there to back you up. I wont be there on the stressful days to let you just go out. I pray you don’t turn your anger toward our kids when you have removed me from the picture. I pray the man you are replacing me with gives you everything I couldn’t. I pray he isn’t abusive. I pray he raises our kids as I would. I pray my heart doesn’t turn cold and bitter towards you. In my heart, I feel love turning to resentment. It’s not good , but feel like you are killing me. You are removing my purpose. I pray that one day, I am able to eventually find a woman that treat me like I deserve. I pray she encourages me to chase my dreams. I pray she love our children. I pray I can come out of this situation you are forcing me into with some type of heart remaining.

I asked you tonight if there was any part of you that could see us having a future. You said a small bit. When first mentioned this in May, there was absolutely no way. We have made so much progress. Feed that small bit. Do it for our children, our future and most importantly, do it for you. You have it inside. You are holding it back. I’ve listened to you. I’ve taken the difficult answers. You can say anything to me. When you talk it’s not the painful part. It when you start dragging me, unwillingly, towards death. Don’t do this to us. We can do this. If not, I’m hopeless..