AFTER one session, so far I like my therapist. Typically when I discuss service and my life to this point… I hear all sorts of shit about wanting to control others or narcissism or things of that nature. Which doesn’t help. Because… frankly, my line of work? Any sane person would WANT to control their actions. You see people intentionally ruin their lives for 8 hours a day 40 hours a week… that is a sane reaction. And does not help me get to whatever issue has been plaguing me for most of my life. This therapist was different.
After the obvious and inevitable statement of, “The issue seems to be that you need to secure your mask before you help others with theirs.” Shit… EVERYONE who knows me (even you) knows that is my issue. But knowing that doesn’t actually address it. We… we may have this time. Because we got past the damned analogy. Since I obviously know “secure your mask before helping others”… what is the issue? The issue? While logically I understand that I need to secure my mask… the reality? I couldn’t live with myself. If I secured my mask while others died… I couldn’t take it. I would rather die helping other people with their masks than ever put on my own. And instead of the therapist citing some “hero complex” or “need to control”… she hit the bullseye in one shot. After I said what I did about helping others with their masks? She said:
So what I’m hearing is that you don’t think you’re worth much.
And I hate to admit it… but she’s right. My constant need to serve others? I wish it was heroism. I wish it was narcissism and a need to control other people. But it isn’t. The plain painful truth is… I serve others becuase… while I may think I was raised better or had more privileges or more culture/class… the truth is… I don’t see myself as particularly worth much. And maybe, if I am very lucky, serving other people might make my life mean something.
There is no way if knowing Imid this therapy will help me with that. But at least we’re starting on the right foot.