the dream departure in 2020

Alright, well it’s been almost a month and I have yet to even attempt to finish this entry. I was going to let it go but I feel like it’s something I really need to do. Like my mind won’t be completely settled until I put it into words and pour it out onto these keys. Although I felt these things pretty strongly the other day, it’s not quite at the place where I think it needs to be.

May 27, 2020 11:15pm
So I don’t know if I’ll get through all this tonight, but I’ll give it a try.

The other thing I wanted to mention was that I woke up this morning having had a very realistic and interesting dream about TF. It was so real that when I woke up it felt like it had actually happened. One of those dreams that leave you with the kind of feelings that’ll affect your waking life.

It all jumped around a bit [and I’m trying to remember details from a month ago] but basically I had run into him walking down my street. We were alone together and talking about life. I remember several times where he held my hand and I knew that I was with EC but I let him do it anyway. It felt very friendly, like something you might do with anyone you know not necessarily a lover. He did try to kiss me at some point and that I definitely pulled away from and told him it couldn’t happen. I believe that was somewhere near the end of the dream before I woke up.

It’s hard to recall all the details now but I remember talking about things. How life was going. The good things that were happening. And I felt very at ease, calm, secure, no lingering anger or anything. It just felt good to know he was doing alright.

When I woke up the next morning it felt so real. As if he’d been right there in front of me that night. It was a little bittersweet. I guess part of me was annoyed that I was still having dreams about him but the more I thought about it the more I realized there was also a huge part of me that felt like a weight had been lifted.

[5/27] I was thinking about all this a little while ago and thought that maybe if the dream were real then it would bring me some closure. But maybe the reality is that this dream was my closure. It was my mind, and soul, telling me that it’s finally time to move on from the idea of us that I had clung to for so long. This is it. This is all I need. Just to know that he’ll be good and live out his life the way he’s supposed to. That even my subconscious is finally ready to move on from what little it still held.

Don’t mistake any of this to mean that I am not 1000% committed to EC. I literally just said that I’m pretty sure he’s the one. And I have never once thought or considered leaving him for TF or anyone else. It’s just that TF held such an intense place in my life for so many years that he hasn’t been easy to completely let go of. It was such a big part that I am 99% sure the stress and drama from it all sparked the return of my mysterious illness that had been in remission for nearly 10 years. But that’s beside the point. I am just trying to say that no matter what my head says about TF it in no way will ever diminish what I feel for EC. =)

[6/24] That same morning besides trying to process all the feelings from the dream, I also had the sense that I would see him soon or he’d pop back up in some way. That always used to happen between us. I’d think about him out of nowhere and within 24 hours he was coming back into my life in some way, shape, or form. It was so weird. And at the time I of course wanted to attribute it to some type of “fate” because I thought he meant more in my life than he actually did.

I don’t know. I mean maybe we do have some kind of connection. Maybe we were/are linked in some way. But it’s not the connection I thought it was. He just taught me so much about myself. About what I want in a relationship and how I want us both to act. How to love parts of myself that I didn’t think were that great. How to feel like a grown woman and let men admire me for that. I remember writing in here one time, at the beginning, that perhaps in the end that would be all it was. He would teach me how to see myself as a grown woman instead of a little girl.

It seems maybe that was all it was. In a lot of ways I feel like he prepared me for EC. He got me ready to be able to deal with a real grown-up relationship in a mature manner. I’m grateful for that. It was something I didn’t even know I needed. So I know he was put on my path for a reason, whether it crushed me at the time or not.

And sure enough that afternoon we pulled in to the garage after work and as I stood inside unloading my work bag I suddenly saw a shadow next door. I looked away and it took me a moment or two to look back up and realize it was him walking up the neighbour’s drive waving at me. I think I managed a quick wave as my brain tried to catch up with the outside world. How could he even see me standing there inside the garage?! But it happened like I figured it would and I laughed to myself at how strange the world can be.

Then the very next day I was waiting around for dinner to be ready [and EC to arrive] and I went to unlock the screen and get the mail. As I walked down the drive I saw a dog running around and turned to see where the owner was. Behind the neighbour’s tree I saw a pair of legs but it wasn’t until a few seconds later that he came into full view.

We exchanged hellos. I continued to the mailbox and he walked towards me on the sidewalk. Said he wouldn’t get too close because he didn’t want to catch the virus from me. He asked me how I was and if we were still working. I told him about how we were handling things at the office these days. Asked him a couple times about how he was but he just gave one of those standard “I’m good” answers and never elaborated. shrug I tried. He just asked me questions instead. And talked about his dog roaming his brother’s yard. And being there to check on the boys. Random things like that.

Really it only lasted a few minutes and when we were ready to part he said it was nice seeing me again. You too. And he told me to take care of myself and I told him to do the same. He rounded up his dog and walked to his truck and I walked back up my driveway to the house. That was that.

It all felt totally fine. I didn’t get nervous the way I used to. I didn’t feel any of those old feelings at all. I just walked up there and spoke to him as if we were old friends and that felt really good. I’ve never had that with him before and it felt comfortable and honestly, kinda peaceful.

Like here I was walking away from the man that made me feel so many things, so many very intense things, and I felt nothing more than peace. For the very first time ever with him. It was years of feelings and emotions that seemed to simply fall right off my shoulders.

I’m ready to feel free again. To let go of all that that was and all it never could have been. It’s time to fully move on and appreciate it for what it did for me. I know I’m not the same person I was back then, and I’m certainly not the person I was before I met him.

I know I’m a stronger, more confident, version of myself. I’m ready to finally start enjoying this to the fullest. Little by little. Slowly but surely. I’m ready to be happy again.

I really want to be happy again.

rose.
9:42pm