As above so below in Current Events

I woke up feeling a little empty this morning. How can emptiness weigh so much? It’s going to be heavy and hard to carry around all day. I’ll be okay. My first thought this morning was a fantasy about moving to another province. I’ve lived the prairies my whole life. I’ve never even seen a mountain or the ocean. I think I’m developing FOMO all over again. I don’t think it is bad to want something. I think this desire made me feel that absence of it. Then one of my friend suggestions on FB was Michael and I had forgotten about him. Tyler also. I removed that suggestion but I couldn’t resist trying to troll Michael. My on and off crush since I was 18. I was so disappointed to hear that he’s just another fuckboy on Grindr. He’s almost 40 like just marry me and settle down lol. Kidding, I’m turned off by him. I had that weird situation where someone he was “seeing” catfished me to make sure that we weren’t having an affair. Somehow that turned into a weird friendship where he unloaded all his situationship problems on me. I think that old desire of wanting a partner hit me also and left me feeling empty. Michael travels to do his photography and I quickly wondered about where I would even fit in this world as a gay man. All the places I am not welcome. Boom! More emptiness. Am I really going to take inventory of all the things that I don’t have in the world today?

When I see the world I am seeing my retinas, when I feel the world I am feeling my own nervous system, when I am happy I am feeling my own dopamine. The world has nothing to give me.

I am not going to commit to my fake news mood today. Choices. I’ll find something better to do. Ta

Edit
Apparently what I found “better to do” was sit through a rant against Lauren Southern from someone on the alt-right. I didn’t understand why people were so mad at her. I found a group of people that are disappointed that she has a history of associating with gay men and has a history of dating other ethnicities. These people are ethno nationalists and have a platform on YouTube? It’s multiculturalism in a MAGA hat they said about the introduction of other ethnicities into the political right lol. This world is so messed up. Come to think of it, when I watched Lauren’s documentary Borderless people in Ireland were deeply upset that Irish people around the world wouldn’t recognize their homeland if they ever came to visit because of all the refugees and immigrants. Blah. Random true story, my sister’s husband got disowned by his father and his church because he married my non-white sister.

Last updated June 23, 2020