Last Night's Nightmares in Reconstruction

  • June 21, 2020, 10:50 p.m.
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Not as bad, per se. Mostly conversations I wish I could have.

Me: so, what do I need to do to be worthy of sex?
Nancy: I don’t get it. You mean, with me?
Me: no. I don’t think we’ll ever have sex again. I mean… you are the only woman that has ever had sex with me. But you made it seem like a punishment. Like having sex with me was a sentence that had been handed down by a cruel dictator. But you’ve been the only one. So I have my only sex partner make me feel like sex with me was a punishment and now I can’t seem to interest anyone in me. So tell me. You tell me. What do I need to do to be worthy of a healthy sexual relationship?!?!

With dreams like that, is it any wonder why it can be difficult for me to discern my waking from my dreaming? Tragically, even if it were only to last but 4 weeks… upon my soul, I need a beautiful woman to appear, show me appreciation and attention… if only for a very brief time. Only long enough to make me consider that I may be of value to the opposite sex. Fuck, Nancy got that. After fucking up her marriage, she got to jump into 2 different dating relationships including 1 sexual one. Whereas I? I get to enjoy my lifetime of rejection. Strange, that. The one woman who didn’t reject me… who actually sought me out… spent our marriage rejecting me. And as soon as I put my foot down… I was replaced without a thought. And yet… there is no solace for me. Nancy was able to flush it all away and all she faces is the unknown void she faced while she was with me anyway. Me? I didn’t fail. I didn’t throw everything away. And yet… I am still punished. I am still cut adrift, bobbing in the waters of isolation, rejection, and loneliness. It is a phrase with very little meaning in the real world and yet I find it escaping my lips regardless: it isn’t fair.

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