Written on my phone:
Today was weird and unexpected. For reasons beyond my understanding, today has actually been a day of personal mourning. I don’t get it. I have absolutely come to terms with the fact that Nancy claims she never loved me. I have come to terms with the fact that my marriage was a sexually withholding, emotionally abusive, lack of mutuality experience that I spent too much time trying to repair. But therein lies the epiphany and thus the mourning.
I liked being a husband. Yeah, yeah, my marriage sucked. I get it! But, if you can, use your imaginations to do a compare/contrast. As a husband, I don’t have to LOOK for someone… I don’t have to HOPE someone likes me. As a husband, my role is to be the absolute best partner I can be to ONE woman and do what I can to make that woman happy. That? That is my ideal.
Which… puts things in appropriate perspective. I fought bloody tooth and nail for my marriage. Even knowing how shitty the situation was. Why? Because… I want to be a husband. I prefer to be a husband. Honestly, I’m good at being a husband. Support, partnership, marital dating… the things that come AFTER finding “your person”. That stuff I can do. The stuff before? Urghghghghghgh. NOT great at that stuff. And I’m not terribly excited to go back to the stuff I suck at. I am a good husband. Support, engagement, empathy, care… I can do that. Trying to find someone? Convince them that I am worth their time? Trying to compete by showing that I am somehow more worthy of a person’s time than whatever they imagine for themselves? Ugh.
So, last night, I was swiping right on a crap ton of people. The extremely rare times that there was a mutual match, I would message the person. Only 1 person messaged back. And we were having a really good conversation! Until she said, “I have to go. I would love to keep talking to you; follow me on my CAMGIRL website. Only $5 a day!”
So… yeah. Whereas before, 15 years ago, I was bad at dating because (apparently) being a 21 year old in search of commitment makes me a freak… now the only women willing to talk to me are just trolling to get more follows on Snapchat, Instagram, OnlyFans, or their CamShows. In a word: upsetting.
Frankly… a perfect world.... I’d find someone like Annie Edison from Community.
Last updated June 20, 2020