Mourning Glory in Reconstruction

  • June 20, 2020, 5:49 p.m.
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Written on my phone:

Today was weird and unexpected. For reasons beyond my understanding, today has actually been a day of personal mourning. I don’t get it. I have absolutely come to terms with the fact that Nancy claims she never loved me. I have come to terms with the fact that my marriage was a sexually withholding, emotionally abusive, lack of mutuality experience that I spent too much time trying to repair. But therein lies the epiphany and thus the mourning.

I liked being a husband. Yeah, yeah, my marriage sucked. I get it! But, if you can, use your imaginations to do a compare/contrast. As a husband, I don’t have to LOOK for someone… I don’t have to HOPE someone likes me. As a husband, my role is to be the absolute best partner I can be to ONE woman and do what I can to make that woman happy. That? That is my ideal.

Which… puts things in appropriate perspective. I fought bloody tooth and nail for my marriage. Even knowing how shitty the situation was. Why? Because… I want to be a husband. I prefer to be a husband. Honestly, I’m good at being a husband. Support, partnership, marital dating… the things that come AFTER finding “your person”. That stuff I can do. The stuff before? Urghghghghghgh. NOT great at that stuff. And I’m not terribly excited to go back to the stuff I suck at. I am a good husband. Support, engagement, empathy, care… I can do that. Trying to find someone? Convince them that I am worth their time? Trying to compete by showing that I am somehow more worthy of a person’s time than whatever they imagine for themselves? Ugh.

So, last night, I was swiping right on a crap ton of people. The extremely rare times that there was a mutual match, I would message the person. Only 1 person messaged back. And we were having a really good conversation! Until she said, “I have to go. I would love to keep talking to you; follow me on my CAMGIRL website. Only $5 a day!”

So… yeah. Whereas before, 15 years ago, I was bad at dating because (apparently) being a 21 year old in search of commitment makes me a freak… now the only women willing to talk to me are just trolling to get more follows on Snapchat, Instagram, OnlyFans, or their CamShows. In a word: upsetting.

Frankly… a perfect world.... I’d find someone like Annie Edison from Community.

Last updated June 20, 2020

Pretend Mulling June 20, 2020

Ugh, that was so shitty of that cam girl. Put that shit up front.

I feel you on the dating part.

hippiechica15 June 21, 2020

I agree with you 100% on liking being married more than dating. There is also that certainty factor, unlike dating which is a big unknown.

DimMeOut June 21, 2020

I totally, totally identify with your paragraph about wanting to be a husband. I feel the same way about being a wife. I love the concept of marriage and what it stands for. I absolutely want to get married again someday, but it seems most people these days are just too jaded to try relationships anymore. Everybody around here seems to want nothing more than somebody to keep the bed warm.

Rhapsody in Purple June 25, 2020

I also love being married. I worry that if I found myself single again I’d rush into marrying the first option.
I hope you find what you want soon.

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