Oooooooooootay. So last night.
I got home around 5:00 and greeted an ecstatic puppy. She’s… not happy that I’m back at the office full time and coming home to her is again like coming home after a long trip away. I greeted her enthusiastically, let her out and set about to my tasks. I changed the sheets on my bed, as I had been planning to do that day, and started a load of laundry to wash the pillow cases and comforter that matched the sheets that I switched to. As I still had time, I did the few dishes by the sink and whipped up a 10 minute recipe I had been meaning to get to. Essentially it is eggs, tuna, and condiments mixed together to create a “filling” be it taco shells, pita bread, or sandwich. After that, I went outside to play with Nala as I felt bad that she wasn’t likely to get a walk that day. Though, in playing with her, I did pick up her poop so I’m still being diligent about that.
Around that point, it was getting close to 6:00 and I was starting to feel the tug of anxiety. I wanted to shower definitely. I wanted to walk the dog if there was time. I wanted to go to the store and buy some liquor just in case my guest wanted some. But I didn’t want to miss Victoria if she came over. So, trigger the “scenario analysis anxiety drive.”
1) I could text her and tell her that I’ll be in the shower and she can let herself in when she arrives (though, would that seem forward? Too familiar?)
2) I can text her to see if she’s still coming at all (though, would that seem needy? Passive aggressive?)
3) I can text her and ask specifically what time she was coming (though, would that seem needy? Would it seem like I was disrespecting her traditional ‘play it by ear’ vibe?)
4) I could text her and ask if she thought I had time to shower, walk the dog, and go to the store (though, that might make her feel like I was too busy to hang, and she’d cancel)
As these various scenarios and counterarguments played in my head… she texted me. lol.
Said she’d be over before 7:30. I told her thanks and decided to (at least) take a shower. I asked if she wanted dinner when she arrived and she said no thanks. She was getting McDs and then bringing over some brownies that I could have. Then said she was hoping we could watch Dr. Who so… that was really cool. Cuz one of Nancy’s big selling points was (at the time I met her) I hadn’t met any/many women I was attracted to that liked Star Trek and Star Wars and Dune and Dr. Who and all that. I mean, I now know there are many attractive women who like sci-fi and/or play video games and/or like DnD, etc. But Nancy was the first and… we’ve been together since I was 21 sooo.... Yeah. My life hasn’t been awash with attractive women with geeky interests that I might have a shot with.
Anyway, I showered and gave Nala a big “everlast treat” to calm her down as she was not going to get a walk. That bitch is getting faster with each damned ever last!! It used to take her 3 to 4 hours to get through one of those.... now? 1 to 2 hours. Anyway, Victoria came over and we talked a little and watched two episodes of Dr. Who. And… while I definitely still find her attractive, it just seemed that… things had changed significantly since the play. I don’t know exactly what… but I can sure speculate. You see, during the play… she had a husband and long-term boyfriend. Well, she’d broken up with her long-term boyfriend two weeks ago. Not to mention, she seems to be constantly trolling dating apps for additional men (not judging just saying). But honestly… I think the two biggest elements? One: She is no longer with her long-term boyfriend… a sense of romantic equilibrium and balance has been thrown off. Engaging in something with me during this time may not be something she feels as safe doing now that her romantic needs are not being as met as they were before. Second (the one I think is the big one): When she first met me during the play, I was the confident “Actor with a lifetime of experience that also happens to be in a position where I’m in the newspaper and my job is relatively important considering this is a small community.” She saw the confident, take charge, conquer all comers version of myself. Since then… the separation, Nancy’s actions during the separation, the toll of COVID, the inability to find any interest on dating apps myself… I think she’s seen too much “Behind the Curtain.” I went from this captivating, interesting, confident, funny guy that could hold conversations and entertain… to this sad, semi-broken, too isolated shell of a man. Granted… COVID is taking all of us (or many of us) to our lessor selves; but the fact that there was no vibe between us last night? Really felt that it was that whole “behind the curtain” perspective. Which is unfortunate because… obviously, I’m both guys. The first guy is the strong go-getter that exists when I’m in a place to tackle whatever is coming. The second guy is the guy that lacks the energy to continue to be strong in the face of unending turmoil and uncertain times. I won’t apologize for the second guy. We need to create a world, or at least an environment, where men don’t have to be the strong silent type all the time. Where men can be vulnerable and weak and honest. So I won’t ask forgiveness for the second guy ever. And if seeing the second guy makes me less attractive or desirable? So be it.
True, I cannot say 100% that what I’ve perceived is true. Perhaps she was still just feeling bummed about her break up and in a few months, when social interactions begin again, things will change. But at least in the near future… it seems quite apparent that there will not be anything emotional or physical between Victoria and I.
As for today? Hoo. Man. This probably sounds like such a privileged thing to say so… I’ll couch it in the statement that I experience chronic pain so anything that alleviates that is acceptable. I tend to get a massage periodically. It would be my preference that this happens two to three times a year. It rarely happens that frequently. But, and I’ll say this knowing it may be controversial, a massage is a little like sex for my body. It involves a lot of human contact, it takes muscles that spend 99% of their time in a “seized state” and forces them to relax, and it helps center my mind through decreased pain and “one mission” thinking. (Explanation: One mission thinking is REALLY tough for me as an attorney since I usually have a million things going on. Having ONE mission: ‘sit and enjoy massage’ OR ‘bring myself and/or partner to climax’ is like a vacation for my brain). Anyway… sex is off the table for the foreseeable… honestly, truthfully, for the likely foreseeable many years. That isn’t self-pity that’s just… accepting that the truth of the moment is “I could magically find someone and have sex next week or never again. Between those extremes, the most logical response as to “forseeable future” would be to err on the “likely 5 years or more until next shag” spectrum. ANYWAY… this was about me thinking “I could really use a massage” but it went off the rails. lol. Thing is… now is not the time. Still. I won’t even get my haircut by a professional right now because the salons that I call? They aren’t wearing masks, they aren’t wearing gloves, they aren’t social distancing. Meanwhile, the last time we had less than 100 cases per day was April. Because of course it was. Open everything up on May 1 because “Calendars dictate, not experts” and this happens. So… yeah. Maybe not the best time to pay a stranger without PPE to rub my body for an hour.
ASIDE: So… I had to use the restroom while I was writing the previous paragraph and a thought occurred. Silly, not to be given weight but a thought. What if we only counted the months we were sexually active as far as “how long have you been sexually active?” Because one answer to that question is, “I’ve been sexually active since I was 21.” But the other answer… only counting the months where sex happened and adding them up… “I’ve been sexually active for a little less than three years.” 15 years versus a little less than 3 years… enough of a difference that I got a kind of chuckle.
Here is some totally unrelated news. I haven’t had an alcoholic drink since Friday. Considering the WFH, COVID restrictions, and marital shit… that’s actually new for me. Not like a “celebration moment” but just something that comes to mind as I think about Grocery Shopping tomorrow. Like… do I buy “weekend, casual” drinking alcohol.... do I buy “you may start entertaining soon” alcohol… do I skip it all together? Meh. I’unno.
I’ll throw up a few more unrelated items, then I’ll got ahead and publish this. :)
When, matter of opinion, do you think it is acceptable or appropriate to ask friends to set you up… if at all? Both as a “if things were normal” and as a “in the time of COVID” perspective. Because I’ve never really even been in a situation TO be set up. And it isn’t like I’m in one now, really. But the thought comes to me. Especially in the era of social media. Like… I’ll post something on my page, a friend will share it, then all of their friends love it and compliment it and gush over it. And I’ll think, “Some of these women are attractive and like what I have to say. I wonder.” Or I’ll comment on a friend’s pic and I’ll follow the likes and comments surrounding my comment and think, “My friend seems to have a lot of intelligent attractive friends… looks like they’re all married. But I wonder if they know someone…?” Or… granted, probably worse social media etiquette. On a cosplay page, I’ll genuinely engage… like a cosplayer may be asking “I tried this in both green and blue; which looks better?” And all of the comments would be “You’re so fucking hot!” or “Flesh colored!” or shit like that. And I’ll say, “The green looks more like the traditional character; but the blue looks better on you. So it depends on if you want to go true to character or true to your own aesthetic. Either way, recognizable and well done in both colors!” And then MY comment will be the one the OP responds to. And I’ll think… should I… should I try to start a conversation… see if we can be friends or cosplay tips sharers or more… or is this just like… an influencer showing appreciation to someone that actually read the damned post instead of just looking at the pictures?
Granted, this isn’t my city… but these kinds of people live in my city… my county… my state… my nation. This is what happens when privileged white people are faced with facts and their Leader whom they follow like a Religion gives them an inch to throw a tantrum. I’m an attorney. I’ve taken several advanced level classes in Constitutional Law. There is no constitutional amendment that protects you from a government, during a health crisis, from requiring face masks. This bullshit tactic of citing the Constitution anytime you feel your personal freedoms are being threatened is ignorance to the highest level. Frankly… if you’ve never READ the Constitution or ANY LAW AT ALL… you shouldn’t be speaking on it. https://www.facebook.com/NowThisPolitics/videos/3283763021848700/
See… I get that women don’t want to date short guys… and that, apparently, at 5‘7 many people consider me a short guy. But I honestly consider this kinda sexy. Judge me all you want.