Running Commentary in Reconstruction

  • June 17, 2020, 5:10 a.m.
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I’m going to do today as a bit of running commentary as I used to do things. Why? Because I felt like it.

Got up this morning and… grump. Not grump about the day or anything but just… sleep. Sleep is needed. More sleep (apparently constantly) is always needed. Let me sleep more.

Nala was… in a mood. She understood that I was getting ready to leave and lay in front of the bedroom door like “No. When you leave, I don’t get to spend as much time outside. That sucks.” But by the time I was ready and on my way out, she was in her bed just pouting.

9:02:
My juvenile corrections field officer just let me know that a petition I filed yesterday had the wrong date. Instantly, I felt shitty. I had to actively take a step back and stop the emotional process so that I could unpack it. In one of over thirty legal filings you did yesterday, you got one date wrong in a two page document. When you worked in Tiny Town; your boss… an experienced attorney… would do multiple “filing corrections” a day because she would miss that kind of thing constantly. Since you don’t want to be like her, is that why such a mistake sends you reeling into self-anger? No. We all know that it goes back to the Chinese Firm Trauma. That’s obvious. When an error happens in a legal filing; there are multiple ways to fix it. And more so… in a county like this, provided it doesn’t come back as “Impeachable Error” it doesn’t even matter in the grand scheme of things. But 9 months of psychological torture and breaking? Apparently stick with me. I breathed through the feelings, fixed the error, and know that everything will be okay. The Field Officer is super understanding and we get along well. The Judge may sigh a bit. But I haven’t ruined anything with that error and I shouldn’t let myself go to that place where I instantly think I have.

10:11:
Man… my domestic abuse assault docket has some weird shit on it that I’m not entirely pleased with.
Like… if a woman claims she accidentally struck someone as she was trying to stand; only for that man to absolutely pummel her afterwards… how you gonna say she was the aggressor? But that’s the case I’ve got.
Like… if you’re arguing with someone while cleaning out a closet, and as you’re taking things out, you remove a BB Gun… how you gonna say that he was “threatening the victim with a dangerous weapon?” But that’s the case I’ve got.
Yet meanwhile… I still have other cases where it’s like… you choked her, gave her a black eye, and screamed that she was a slut… but you’re back together now and she is claiming that the police are lying and is currently listed as witness for the Defense.

Man… fucking… jeez. This is one of those issues where I would LOVE if Defund Police had any ideas but… the ideas we’ve been working towards don’t do it either.
Offering women shelter; counseling; free legal aid for divorce/custody proceedings? I work with a group that does that. I encourage its use. I’d say we have a zero point zero percent response rate. So… what’s the answer? If cops and arrests don’t work (they don’t) and social work and support doesn’t work (it hasn’t) how do we help these Domestic Violence Victims?!? That’s… what I keep thinking of during all of this. Arrests and The Courts haven’t been of great help to victims. But Social Work, Counseling, and Support requires that the victim actually wants help. So… what’s the answer?

12:01
Oh, wow. I forgot about this feeling. So, working from home comes with considerably more liberties. If you get hungry, grab some food. Thirsty, grab a drink. Too much downtime, play video games. Too sleepy, take a nap. Too distraught after reading human tragedy, go play with the dog. Various opportunities and options. NOW I will rapidly admit that I am more productive in the office exactly BECAUSE those opportunities are not available to me. Were this a Work From Home Day… I would have slept in until 9, made a big breakfast, checked e-mail, responded to what needed to get done, played video games, played with the dog outside, and then checked e-mail again. Today… skipped breakfast (shouldn’t have… just wanted a little more time to sleep)… got into the office… resolved 15 separate items, read a few news articles, posted to Facebook 3 times, and now I am hungry and nuking lunch. As far as serving justice and the community… it is better that I am in the office. As far as doing for myself and my household… especially the poor puppy… I feel like I should be home. So… I guess that’s kind of a “back to normal” on that.

12: 45
Funny. I was eating my lunch in silence at my desk when my mind started to wonder to the failed Victoria attempts to hang out. And it got me thinking… a particular thing about us is that she is very spur of the moment and I am very have a plan. Like… I had my Friday, Saturday, and Sunday planned out. Friday and Sunday both involved me having “digital face to face interactions” with friends in various portions of the country. However, either during or right before those started… Victoria texts and says that she’s free if I want to hang out. I had to turn her down both times. Likely she’s fine with it. But for me… it creates social stress. Because I was raised heavily with “When you say no to people, they leave” and… that’s been true in my life. So I was worried. I sent her a text today saying “I’m likely free from Wednesday through the weekend.” Of course, I am Emperor Shinpai Suru (To Worry). So as soon as I send that I start worrying about two things at once. On One Hand: Worried that she’ll have already said, “Screw it.” On The Other Hand: Worried that I’ll now feel compelled to keep all of those days open just in case. Like… if I end up scheduling something and that happens to be THE day she can do something… I’ll feel like an even bigger heel. So I’m worrying about those things when she texts back:
“thanks for letting me know. Works been crazy lately for me so hopefully one of those nights will work! I do want to hang out”

So that’s good. Ish. I still worry. Because I think that is my default nature. Worry. Which may be an issue.

2:03
The sheer number of racists, especially the “I’m not a racist but” crowd that I encounter and interact with is appalling and disgraceful. “I’m not a racist but they are more likely to commit crimes.” Uhm… what?! What is your information based on?? “Well, y’know… crime stats.” Oh, so you’re saying that police tend to arrest more black people than white people. “Yeah.” And given what we’ve seen from police conduct over the last six weeks; that makes you believe that the police are a neutral arbiter of criminal statistics? Or do you feel it is more criminal for one man to steal one loaf of bread as opposed to one corporation stealing an entire people’s ability to make bread? Like… guys… I’m one of the only two prosecutors in this county. ASK ME our black to white criminal ratio. But then, of course, they’ll use “statistics.” Saying… “well we don’t have that many black people here. Our black population is maybe 170 people. So, yeah… a few hundred whites are criminals and that means less than 5% of our community. But if a few dozen blacks are criminals, that means like a quarter of blacks are criminals!” Fun assumptions you’re making there, sprite. I have three black defendants total. One whose is absolutely a victim of systemic abuse because her mother grew up with significant mental health issues and in poverty. So that woman trying to raise babies… the fact that this girl is violent towards people makes sense. One of my defendants keeps violating no contact orders. That isn’t white or black. Most of my VNCO cases are methed out white people. The fact that this time happens to be a POC doesn’t mean shit. One of my defendants has a Domestic Abuse charge. D’you know how many of these white people in my county have been charged with Domestic Abuse? So seriously, kids. Slow your roll. Freaking out because “All these black people are making mountains out of mole hills” is bullshit and offensive. If you haven’t been activated by shit like Breonna Taylor’s death, Ahmaud Arbery’s death, and George Floyd’s death… than you really are stupid. And to ALL the people in this community that KEEP bitching “George Floyd was a violent criminal.” Put up or shut up. YES, George Floyd did have previous drug and theft charges. He had been arrested 9 times. The arrest where he was killed was for allegedly using a counterfeit $20 bill. Here’s a question: What crime or criminal past, to you*, deserves execution?? Pedophiles? Rapists? Drug Addicts? According to Minnesota LAW, none of the above. The Death Penalty was abolished there in 1911 and was never re-implemented. Therefore, ANY police custody death is deserving of investigation. MORE SO… watch the video. If you can watch an officer kneeling on another man’s neck TO DEATH and your first thought is “what was his criminal record” your ability to feel empathy or understand the law is broken. NOT TO MENTION.... Breonna Taylor? Police broke into her home (they had no warrant or legal reason to be in HER home) and shot her 8 times while she was in bed. THAT IS A GANGLAND EXECUTION. Do you need to know her criminal record? Or does it count that she was a healthcare worker asleep in her own home where police illegally entered and opened fire?? Ahmaud Arberry… people love to point to this one because “he was inside a housing construction before he got shot; he may have been stealing something.” Did you assume the theft based on skin color?!?!? Because let me tell you… when West Des Moines was being built up? My FATHER used to do the same thing. He’d walk into the construction project, look around, investigate how it was going… and nobody ever thought he was stealing.

FUCK. When you rush to say “Okay, this man was killed. But what is the criminal record, maybe I can justify it through that”… you’re really proving that you believe a certain segment of the population doesn’t deserve to live. And if that’s true… you can’t say “All Lives Matter” and worse? If you believe that’s true… NONE OF Y’ALL better call yourselves Christians!

Hell, a prosecutor I went to Law School with is on this shit. Like, “I’m pro-gun, blue lives matter, fuck your snowflake whining. If you enter into a criminal lifestyle, you take upon yourself the risk of death. By another criminal or by a cop, that is a choice you make!” And I’m like… dude… that… that is NOT what we’re here for. Our job is not to “eradicate the criminal element from existence”… our job is to serve our community. Maaaaaaaybe you got into this job for the wrong reason.

Now… that being said… I am starting to see this thing turn its tail on itself a bit. For those educated people who know, “monkey” was a common racist concept in the United States. Using the phrase monkey to indicate a person of color was common and should NEVER be allowed or acceptable. However, as with most words in the English Language that are abused by hate… the word Monkey is also a real thing in the world. Monkeys exist and monkeys are beloved by people of varying races and ages. I have seen recently, however, a push against “monkey” as any kind of mascot, clothing reference, or acceptable symbol for anything. Now… if this were uniquely related to black people; maybe that would make for a strong argument. Like… if Colgate came out with a toothpaste called Monkey Shines and marketed it towards black communities… that would be racist. If a clothing company had a line of children’s clothes called “Top Monkey” and only used black models to show off the clothes… that would be racist. BUT what if, using that last example, there was a whole gathering of kids in Top Monkey Apparel. White Kids, Black Kids, Asian Kids, Hispanic Kids… just a group of kids in Top Monkey Apparel. We’ve seen that, to some, that would still be insanely racist and unacceptable. And now it is going to cartoon monkeys. A cartoon monkey selling cereal, because the cereal is chocolate, is now being called racist. Now… the monkey represents the same cereal even when it is white chocolate… but that isn’t the argument. The argument some are making is that A monkey cannot be used as a mascot or symbol period because it is a racist symbol. To that, I’d say… you’re taking it too far. Am I wrong?

3:10
Oof. Speaking of me being wrong… actually, this is a nice thematic entry when viewed from above, lol. Tie in wondering about my stress and fears with being wrong and add a little touch of sex anxiety in there… no wonder this comes out.

As many of you should already know- I love cosplay. I’m still terribly afraid to try it for fear of looking silly… but I have promised to have costumes for AnimeIowa and so I shall simply have to get over that fear. But I love cosplay. The thing of it is… some cosplay for fun (I threw this together with scotch tape and cardboard, I love this character, hooray!)… some cosplay for quality (I made this Monster Hunter Armor in nine months of 6 hour per day sessions)… some cosplay for sexiness (look how I turned a fully clothed character into a bra and panties photo set). ALL OF THEM are valid because… cosplay how you want. BUT I feel a certain internal push back against the Cosplay For Sexy when that is the focus. Like… there are some amazing characters out there that can be sexy…ie- SuperSayain does a sexy Sonya that retains all of the strength of the character and shows that sexy isn’t “shoving your tits into the camera”. I consider that cosplay an amazing success. Then there are other Sonya cosplays. Where every angle of every shot is “How big do my tits look?” And it’s like… stop it. BUT HERE’S MY CONTINUOUS ISSUE… I’m torn in equal measure. STILL. Like… forgive my use of an image that may not be to everyone’s liking
alt text
That is clearly meant to be Lara Croft. Lara Croft is a sexy character and there are almost a million ways to display Lara Croft in a sexy and character emulating way. This is not one of them. The “sexy pose on a chair” look isn’t Lara. So there is a strong push in me to say, “This is bullshit! You’re just putting up ‘Look at me’ photos and trying to appeal to a geekier niche that is more likely to give you money. ie: Gamer Girl Water Fiasco.” BUT that isn’t all that lives within me. Because I actually DO think that photo is sexy. I actually have no problems with that photo at all. Actually, that is a version of my favorite Lara Croft outfit, even if it isn’t the focus of the photo.
And this is one of those things where I wonder… am I being too hard on myself or is it something else? Like… enjoying this picture… that’s a normal guy thing. So is my visceral emotional push back coming from a Gate Keeping Nerd place or is it coming from a Purity Culture Fucked Me Up place or both? THESE are the kinds of things I still need to ponder and work through. I need to discern how much of my “I like lookin at boobies!” is appropriate versus what my background, culture, and society think.

4:05:
I… was actually kind of expecting this.
Today is Nancy’s 40th birthday. There are already some packages at the house with her name on them. Funny how she has the willingness to sleep with other men; but lacks the courage of her conviction to tell some of her family that she no longer lives with me. I was planning on getting home, texting her “Happy Birthday, stuff here for you whenever you have time” and then just going about my evening. Instead, she asked if she could come over. Honestly? I said sure. Because she would have had to come over to pick her stuff up anyway. And arguably, it doesn’t have to change my schedule for the evening. I mean… I’m sure that I can still walk the dog, empty the dishwasher, do laundry… hell, with her there I can even give her the comforter/quilt her Aunt gave us for our wedding that we decided she’d take.

It’s just… I’m also not exactly sure what to expect, of course. Over the weekend, when my grief turned to rage at Nancy collecting her pre-marriage personality? I did not remain silent. I told her that her behavior pissed me off and made me feel like shit. I shared with her how her apparent ability to drop unfuckable husband for newly fuckable stranger made me feel. I… emoted and expressed myself. So… this will be the first time seeing her after that experience as well. We’ll uh… see what happens I guess?


Last updated June 17, 2020


Starhawk June 17, 2020

I'm so happy that you reached out to Victoria. I think the more you say Yes to her, the better your summer will be.

Also props to you on bring blunt and honest with N. Bottling that up is no good.

Always Laughing June 18, 2020

Interested to see what Nancy has to say when she comes over or if she ignores what you told her.

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