Lessons in First entry

So, things have turned around dramatically. Last night she said she had no desire to leave at all. We have found a good stride together. Yesterday, as we were driving, I was looking at the world around me. The trees, the sky the clouds, and I noticed it looked different. I dont mean different because I feel different. I mean like the colors, the depth, the everything reminded me of how I used to see the world when I was younger. It was absolutely beautiful. It was like I had a veil over my eyes that wouldn’t let me.see everything. It’s hard to describe, but it was different.

I’m realizing I’m a happier person. Not because she stayed or things are going well necessarily, but I feel I have grown as a person. I was a fairly hot.mess in need of some reflection and soul searching. In that time, I have come to a few realizations. I’ll dive in to those below, but I’m happier with me than I have been in a long time.

One of the things I have realized was I was placing too much of the burden of our daily household work on her. Making sure the Bill’s got paid on time, feeding the chickens, goats and animals, as well as taking care of the chores around the house. I have taken on more of these chores and feel good about it. A lot of it stemmed fro. Her wanting to be a solely stay at home wife and handle these tasks. I made the assumption that it was her duty. Not that that makes it right, but in my head I saw those as part of her “job” in a sense. Today I came home and put away the dishes, sharpened her kitchen knife, fed the goats and locked the chickens away. It felt nice. I actually wanted to do it.

I’ve been thinking there are a couple reasons that I think this new behavior will help grow our relationship. First, I believe that if I am willing to serve her and place her first, then eventually it will be reciprocated. I want to be the man she can live without, but at the end of the day, I have to be happy with the man I am. From a biblical perspective, men are called to love their wives as Christ love the church. He sacrificed everything for the church he loved and humbled himself to serve every opportunity he could. This isn’t to necessarily get on a soapbox, but to put my current thoughts down.

I have been thinking alot about the what I I have learned and what I feel helped me understand things a little more. First, I spent a lot of time thinking. Trying to step out of my shoes and look at the situation and honestly reflect on how it had come to the point where she had committed to a divorce and was actively looking for a house. I started with my actions and being brutally honest with where I was wrong. This took a while because I am quite prideful. I realized I was acting like an asshole. I didn’t honestly always mean to be, but I wasn’t who I wanted to be.

My next step was futile, but it lasted longer than the first and somewhat ran in conjunction with the first step and that was trying to un6why she was doing what she was doing. Was it really that bad? Wtf was causing this? I may have been an asshole, but so was she......that was a trap I had to get out of. I tried everything I could think of to reason with her, but she wasn’t getting it. Driving to my project, I was trying to understand wtf “I love you, but I’m not in love with you.” Means. This was a death sentence for a relationships from everything I read. There’s no chance of going back. She had made up her mind and already let go. Then I realized I needed to understand “I need space.” The is where Geoffrey Setiawan came into my life. He explained the mechanics of emotions and why everything I was doing was wrong. I was appealing to logic, but love is emotional. I had to figure out how to fix me and not just because I wanted to keep her, but so I could be the best me as possible. I researched more articles about letting go and tried to understand how to move on because I wasn’t sure there was any hope.

I decided I would have to start acting like a man. I would gave to project strength and love while you trying to minimize how much I felt like I needed her. At first, it was an act. I didn’t truly feel it, but I knew there was truth in stepping back. I really wanted to stop acting crazy, but my emotions were out of control as well. Slowly, I decided I would make subtle changes take out the trash, clean the pool. Just doing things that occupied my time, I would want to cling to her, but knew I couldn’t. Slowly I did more and more. I noticed she was not interested in doing anything. I stuck with it and soon it became something I just did.

I remember learning she needed emotional safety. Something I had never
considered. She hurt me, I hurt her, around and around we go. Over time, as Istopped working for her and started to focus on who I wanted myself to be, she started to open up more. I had to hear some things that didn’t feel good, but I kept thinking about creating that emotional safety. I remember right before she started to open up, I was brushing the pool and she walked out with a curious look on her face. She looked so sad and said I think it’s too late. I still want to leave. Part of me felt so sad, but I also understood. This was a test. It had been a few days and I had started to explain to her that she could take her time. I was going to work on me. Whenever she wanted to talk, I would be here. She wanted to see if I would go crazy again or if I had started to truly grow and she wanted to see if she had the emotional safety to open up.