Rhetorical and Romantic in Reconstruction

  • June 14, 2020, 7:30 p.m.
  • |
  • Public

Victoria got a hold of me yesterday. We were talking and she was encouraging me to be more open about “going forward.” COVID restrictions being a bitch; but not letting those prevent me from going on dates, looking for other people, etc. She’s… somewhat correct. Iowa is seriously still getting hit with new cases and I don’t want to contribute to those new cases. Hell, my favorite restaurant that I had been frequenting via to go orders had to 100% close down everything because they had employees with confirmed COVID. Shit is very much still with us. Not to mention my Tinder and Bumble success is still less than abysmal. Even the one or two “58 year old woman with no car” type of matches… I admit, I’ve attempted to start conversations… not like “Hey, we could actually date” but more “Huh, COVID is really keeping people from speaking. Let’s have a conversation.” Even those interactions are abysmal. And if/when I start actually having more online conversations and running into “What’s wrong here” I may have to come back and get help. But again, remember, I’m like… swipe right 30 times, get mutually matched 1 in 3000 times. So, not exactly a lot to work with there.

Anyway, Victoria was talking with me about not just sitting in my grief and everything. Even going so far as to suggest that I need to fake confidence until I make it… maybe even just enough to have a few quickies to prove to myself that I’m not what my marriage made me feel. Potentially good advice. Tough to say really. It is true that I’ve only ever had sex with one woman and she made me feel terribly. And the only woman to give me oral sex wasn’t a positive. And the sexually assaultive girlfriend wasn’t helpful. SO… yeah. As far as sexual interactions for Christopher- I could use a fucking win. That being said.. I’m not exactly sure if trying to get laid is even… my kind of thing. I’m… I’ve always been a romantic. I want to woo and be cared for in return. I mean, that’s probably how I’ve gotten into this position. I pursue someone’s heart and if they relent, I (apparently) mistake that for them returning care? I don’t know. Clearly I need to do different than I have before but… without losing the good things about me in the process.

ANYWAY… Victoria eventually got around to admitting why she might also be encouraging me to be more experimental. She and her boyfriend broke up. Now remember, she is a practicing “ethical non-monogamous kink practitioner” . So she has a husband and kids… and enjoys pain in her sexual experiences. And I’ll be honest… the very idea of this extremely attractive redheaded woman being physically intimate with me? Very quickly rises my interest (sloppy euphemism). But… my brain kicks in and starts asking some tricky questions. Like… considering who I am and how I feel… would being a “boyfriend to a married woman” make me feel worse? Like… my marriage felt a LOT like… no matter what I did, it wasn’t enough for my wife. I could never make her happy, I could never turn her on, I was never enough for her. But isn’t the idea of being “a third wheel in a polyamororous relationship” like going into something already accepting that the same was true? Like… “this woman is married with children and has an entire life completely separate from you; you’re just fulfilling a romantic and sexual need of hers that is already being filled by her husband simply not to her particular level of desire?” I’m not intending to be offensive if that’s how I come across I’m just… a bit curious about the whole thing. Whether it’s worthwhile in any way for me to enter into any poly situation (as there are also a lot of poly seekers on Tinder). Just a curiosity, I suppose.


woman in the moon June 14, 2020

I read this. I don't know if I would want to be added to someone else's relationship. But let me tell you a story. It's about a red head too. Attractive young. Let's see it must have been in the late 1980s and I would have been in my early 40s. I was working in the office in my old old old job and the place was hopping. We had lots of work and we had hired a lot of people. One day after work, a Wednesday probably because I was driving toward the center of town probably to pick up the weekly newspaper that was freshly printed on Wednesdays. It was raining lightly and I stopped to pick up a girl from the plant who was walking. She was young (er than me), pretty (ier than me) and a stranger to my town. I can't remember how much I had noticed her before giving her a ride that afternoon. She got in the car, and she was smoking. I was not a smoker and I wasn't around smokers much anymore. The car filled up with smoke. I started coughing. I rolled down the window and the rain started coming in. I rolled it back up and started coughing again. It never crossed my mind to ask her to put out her cigarette. I knew she probably needed it after hours without nicotine in the factory. Anyway this thought came over me. I thought about taking her home... and adding her to my marriage. It was a thought I'd never had before - or since for that matter - but I thought maybe both my husband and I would enjoy her and maybe we'd improve her life a bit too.
Of course the thought surprised me. Of course I did not share it with her. But maybe I shared it with my husband when I got home.

caramelchicken June 14, 2020

I think seeing Victoria could be exactly what you need. The opportunity to have some really positive sexual experiences with someone you can also enjoy spending time with as a friend, without the risk of you getting into something too serious, because she has a husband. You can have some emotional closeness with her without it being too serious. You don't need to look at it as being a third wheel, it's just a different kind of relationship to the traditional monogamous arrangement. You can still get the feeling of pursuing her by going on some dates with her and taking it slow. The fact thst she's poly where she can have more of a relationship with her sex partners, rather than it being purely casual, works in your favour. You can go on several dates before even going back to one of your places if you like. So you don't need to rush things - because it's important that you do what YOU'RE comfortable with instead of feeling like you have to rush into sex.

I'm curious about what you mentioned about her enjoying pain in her sexual experiences? What do you mean? Are you comfortable with that?

hippiechica15 caramelchicken ⋅ June 15, 2020

This note def has some merits. I think there could be some good experiences here for you, along with good boundaries and a person who takes interest in YOU and not just sex. It could be very good to have something like this that you know prob won't last forever. That's perfectly OK! She definitely cares about you as a friend and I believe has good intentions.

Starhawk June 14, 2020

When you are old and feeble, someday decades from now, would you rather reminisce about the risks you took / fun you had with Victoria, or sit in regret wondering what might have happened?

She is practically throwing herself at you. I urge you to meet her halfway and take it slow, minding your emotional health. I hope some time with her could help you step away from the trauma your marriage has left you with.

I know her being poly bothers you a bit...but at least it should mean she knows how to respect your boundaries.

DE_KentuckyGirl June 15, 2020

Poly isn't for me. However, having been in the kink scene for 20 years now, there are many for whom it seems to work. I am a vey devoted loyal partner and don't wanna share that intimacy with my spouse with anyone else. There are people who do not view sexuality that way. It's hard for me to wrap my head around a spouse being ok with it (and I've known several who truly were and their marriage was good), or even why one would be poly. Interestingly, many of these people are more free in their thinking and relationships than a great majority of people are. Sex with others isnt viewed as an intimacy but a recreation. Sometimes one partner has a particular kink (something I've seen a lot) that the other isn't necessarily interested in and gives their blessing to go get that need met elsewhere.

It's interesting for sure for those of us who don't think that way. Here's the thing; don't apply your standards to her (or anyone else) to try and make sense of it. That's a surefire way to drive yourself crazy and maybe miss out on a possible learning adventure, and growth.

Down the rabbit hole... June 15, 2020

I think you do need to get laid, but I also think if you fuck Victoria it's going to mean a lot more to you than it does to her. Can you compartmentalize it? If not, you're probably just going to end up hurt.

DimMeOut June 15, 2020

I don't think I would ever be comfortable being a third in someone's marriage, or being a side piece for someone. I've come close a couple times, but it makes me feel like shit so I don't think I'd ever be able to do it. But I totally agree with Victoria about you faking it til you make it. Fake confidence, at least long enough to realize you are NOT what Nancy made you feel you were.

still, i rise. June 16, 2020

If you can put yourself in the right frame of mind, just hook up with her. Once. Anything more than that gets too difficult when you’re an emotional person who wants connection. I would feel pretty shitty being the third wheel in someone’s relationship too. But just a hit it and quit it, have some fun, and she’s on board with it, why not.

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