Stages in Reconstruction

  • June 13, 2020, 6:17 p.m.
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A little story:

I used to be a very angry person. Very angry. I would spend most of my energy on being angry. This was unhealthy, unpleasant, and undesirable. So I spent a great deal of time and energy attempting to conquer my rage. I’ll admit, I did not succeed. There are still times where I am mightily furious. Which is why I decided to combine those things that naturally infuriate me with my job. Does seeing an infant covered in bruises because Meth Mommy got angry when the kid cried? Yeah? Good! It should! So let’s turn that anger into productivity by prosecuting Mommy for abuse; getting the child into Foster or Other Family Care; and work to figure out how to do better. If you can’t entirely conquer your anger; funnel it into productive places.

However, there were/are many places where I had/have successfully learned to control my anger. I used to be intensely angry at any individual who “did me wrong.” But the truth is… that is exhausting and unnecessary. The truth is… many people in this world are either so oblivious or so stupid that their actions are inconsiderate or incompetent and they aren’t even possessed of the brain power to understand. The guy that cut you off in traffic? He may not have seen you and may be in an incredible hurry. The woman that said, “I’ve just never met a heterosexual man who enjoyed musical theater!” She wasn’t insulting you… she was just exposing her ignorance and prejudices. If you take all of that personally… you’ll be absolutely exhausted from rage all the time.

So I spent a lot of time learning to bypass rage. Which may be one of the reasons why so much of my time so far on this separation/dissolution has been spent in grief. Because I could certainly GO to rage; but I’ve spent a long time separating myself from rage.

I think today that stopped. It hit me. There are two possible realities given Nancy’s current actions. Either… I am a terrible husband, undeserving of love and clinically unfuckable… or she is an absolutely terrible person who flushed away her best shot at a man that would give her anything as long as she did a bare minimum of Spousing. And the more I thought about it? I mean, hell, all of you got to this conclusion years ago but… it’s me. My history tends to go towards the “If your relationships fail, it is your fault. Either because you didn’t do something or because you did do something or because you selected the wrong person… so yeah, it is always your fault.” But yeah. I started to get mad.

But here’s the thing… the absolute honest 100% truth with no hiding or deferring:
I am angry that Nancy, it seems, never cared.
I am angry that I spent 10 years trying to make a marriage work when it should have been CLEAR to me after the first 9 months; that she’d given up caring about me.
I am angry that Nancy’s “no love, no sex, no relationship ability” for me was so quickly transformed into fucking a stranger within 2 months.
I am angry. I am angry about what that woman has put me through.

But that anger isn’t all consuming. That anger hasn’t taken me over. And that’s good. BUT it isn’t because of a good thing.

Still the thing that circles my mind....
before she met me, Nancy liked sex. She’d had 15 partners in a few short years. She enjoyed sex. With me? Sex was a chore… something that required gallons of alcohol for her to even consider… something that she would deign to give me about twice a year as (perhaps, payment?) for the lifestyle I provided for her. Then after me? Not even a full two months pass and she’s already fucking somebody else. This point of information pierces my heart like a great halberd. It screams through all of my anger; it shreds all of my logic… and leaves me with the sobbingly screamed question

“WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!”

Why am I so… disgusting to the one woman that has had sex with me… while further being (apparently) disgusting to the rest of the world ie Dating Apps, Flirting, Etc?!


Pretend Mulling June 13, 2020

You’re not. I know that sounds hollow, but you’re not unlovable, unfuckable, or undateable. You’re back to being single at the absolute worst possible time, and you’re working through years of emotional abuse and neglect from her. It’s going to take a while to get through all of this; be kind and patient with yourself.

Amaryllis June 13, 2020

I know you know this, but knowing is different than 'feeling it' and believe me I get that. Sex in her new relationship has nothing to do with you or your relationship with her. Lack of sex in your relationship with her DOES have something to do with your relationship with her, and potentially with you. A therapist might help you examine your relationship and understand what happened, why, and what you should take from it moving forward.

DE_KentuckyGirl June 14, 2020 (edited June 14, 2020)

Edited

You need to remember that she left her bf and came straight to you as well from a broken relationship. She was having sex with you in the beginning, yes? Having sex with 15 different men before you doenst necessarily mean she "likes" sex (and I realize, maybe she did). It means she had multiple job interviews, using what she could to snag someone who could give her the easy life that she obviously wanted. Given info you've provided in the past, seems like this is maybe a pattern of behavior to use whatever she can, that she knows the other wants, to get what she needs/wants. Kinda like you'd go to a new job and be gung ho about doing really good cuz you're making an impression, you want them to keep you, maybe give you a raise. Then, after a time, stop giving a shit about the job because, frankly, they're short staffed and need you so.....you can do bare minimum and still have your paycheck.

Nancy is obviously a broken person herself. And Inhave no doubt she will fall into the same cycle after the honeymoon period wears off and relationship expectations start getting higher.

-d June 14, 2020

I agree with all of the above notes. I'm not a particularly sexual person, but even if I'm not really feeling it at the time, if my wife wants sex, I always say yes, and am ready and willing to participate fully. It's not for the sex though. It's because I want her to get what she needs out of our relationship, and that's important to me. Her happiness matters to me, and I would never want her to feel rejected. The fact that Nancy wouldn't do that for you, makes her selfish. It doesn't make you disgusting.

Rhapsody in Purple June 15, 2020

I think she’s currently having sex with this new guy because she thinks that is what it will take to lock him in. I feel if the relationship lasts it will follow the same pattern yours did.

Always Laughing June 18, 2020

it isn't you, but being the person I am. I say the same thing to myself each time I'm dumped what's wrong with me why am I not good enough even when the men are Jerks. So I know why your thoughts are there, but really seeing who she really is you are better off alone then with her treating you the way she did.

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