So my therapist is amazing. She’s kind of a magician. Last night and this morning, I felt an anger and resentment that I haven’t felt in so long. I certainly was not happy about having those feelings. My therapist says that anger is usually a secondary emotion to sadness. I’m still grieving the loss of someone from my life. And it makes me sad to see him happy and moved on, but I don’t know that he’s happy or moved on. He begged me to be friends with him and even manipulated me into being his friend. I’m not his friend. He is not my friend. He is not anything to me, but someone who caused me heartbreak and disappointment.
My therapist was absolutely right that every time I have to take care of something for him because he’s procrastinating, it’s like I’m reliving our relationship. I absolutely hated that then, and I hate it now. I’m not his damn mother and the boy needs to grow and pair and figure out how to handle criticism. He wants to be in charge and in control, but to be honest, he doesn’t have that capability in him. He’s going to realize that himself.
I wish I could tell him what my therapist told me. She says that what happened between us was not my fault and it wasn’t a mismatch. It was actually him. He doesn’t take criticism well and isn’t responsible. I wish I could tell him that, but what benefit would it really have? I know for myself, that I am better off without him. I know for myself, that I will live a happier life without him. And I know for myself, that I need someone who is more responsible and has thicker skin. I am not a harsh person. I am not judgmental. He just can’t take criticism. It’s not my place to tell him for his benefit anymore, no matter how much I want to. Plus, it seems that no matter what I say to him, everything always hurts him. His parents definitely raised him to be a delicate flower. Puke.
Selena Gomez really hit the nail on the head when she wrote the lyrics “You’re not half the man you think you are…I’m so glad I never had a baby with you… Cause you can’t love nothing unless there’s something in it for you.”
I guess what still makes me mad is that he thinks he’s perfect, that I’m the one with problems. That’s what I want to approach him about. But it will never do any good. It’s best to just let it go. Nothing that I say to him will ever change his views, and talking to him just adds negativity into both of our lives. I really regret the conversation I had with him last night. But it happened. I need to let it go and not let it happen again. I am better off without him in my life, and every time I choose to talk to him and let him in, in any way, ends up hurting us and our situation. No more sending him songs, Facebook memories, or telling him when I’m sad. I will live a life of intent. I need to ask myself first, what is my intention in sending this?
If it is to make him feel bad or find support in him, then don’t send it. I don’t think there’s ever an appropriate time to send him anything of any sort. Cut it off 100%.
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