She went out shopping today. Came home.and wanted to spend time with me. This made me happy. We hugged again. Again, it was a long hug. It felt as if the world disappeared. I asked her how she felt in that moment. She said safe and loved. She asked me how I felt. I said I felt like I was at home.
I told her that I release her. If we felt she had to leave I wouldn’t stop her. I loved her and Hope’s she decides to stay. I believe we can make it work. I’m terribly afraid of losing her, but I don’t want her to stay because she feels she has to for me. I want her to want to be here. I want her to feel loved and safe. I also told her I’ve had a strong desire to have sex, but I want her to wait until she feels this is the place she wants to be and that moment to be special.
I have my crazy moments. Mostly in my own head. My last post, I’m sure made me look like a crazy person. The truth is, I love her with everything I am. I want to be the man she deserves and I’m actively working to be that man. I’m still human and something this experience has shown me is I have to open myself and be in touch with my feelings. I honestly don’t remember the last time I actually had real feelings. I would say maybe before I went to Iraq? But outside of generic happiness or somesome angry moments have haven’t had a lot of connection to my real feelings. I’ve suppressed them to put on the happy face or try to pretend things didn’t bother me. This will.be something I have to dig deeper into to fully understand.
Anyways, I still have a ways to go, but I’m not stopping of giving up.
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