Thoughts in First entry

I sometimes wonder if I’m the only person that never stops thinking. Like seriously., am I crazy for continually reflecting and taking in information. I am finding myself wanting to put my thoughts here more and more. I hate writing by the way. It’s been the bane of my existence since I can remember. But this, this feels so therapeutic. I don’t really have a purpose here except to dump my thoughts and feelings.

Today was an ok day. I felt ok but not happy. I would say I was borderline sad. Not sure exactly what or why, but just felt like I had a heavy heart. I work in with a decent day. She and I hit the trail we have been hiking for the last few weeks. It was a decent pace, but I wouldn’t say my heart was in the workout. Then I went to Lowes to get some wood for our deck. That’s when I posted my earlier entry. Got home showered and then we went to a friend’s house. It was their son’s birthday. It was an ok day overall.

Now it’s time for my crazy to be posted. I’m analyzing everything trying to read if things are going in the right direction. For example we were sitting at our friend’s kitchen table. And she sat in a chair with a space between us. Was that a sign ahe was feeling distant or was she just oblivious. Then she moves next to me. Is that a sign? What the heck am I doing to myself? I’m driving myself crazy in my head. I see her in the car with her arms crossed. Is she mad? Is she trying to close herself off? What’s going on in her head? Yes, I realize I’m a bit crazy here. The reality is I’m scared. I typically deal with fear in other ways. I face it head on and find ways to eleminate my doubts. I’m finding more and more that this situation is so different. I can handle being shit at. I can handle being in intimidating situations, but in this, I have no control. I tell myself I’m doing the best I can. She’s still here and she says she loves me. I am continually looking over the last 15 years and reflecting on our journey together. It’s interesting because sometimes I remember our trip to her graduation for her master’s, Gettysburg, DC and finally ending in Disney World. Other times I get her telling me to stop being so nice when we first got married and me telling her to stop being mean to me. I remembered the first time I thought to myself, i shouldn’t bring this up because she’s going to get mad and we will end up fighting. Then I’ll remember the times I made jokes about her old lady lips or telling her I wished she would put on makeup and try to look nice for me. The memories where in the asshole I am filled with regret. That’s typically not who I am. That’s not what she deserves. That is what I have started changing about myself. If she stays or goes, that’s not the person I want to be. As I said before we have a lot to work through. We are both hurt. We both love eachother, but together we can make it.

Again, I realize the crazy I’m putting out there. These are my innermost thoughts and feelings. If you don’t like them or have something negative to say then move along. I’m here for me. This is my outlet for my pain and joy, my hopes and dreams and a place for me to reflect outside on my head. It’s a big mess I get that, but we are still moving forward it seems.

I’ve been holding back from pouring my heart out to her lately. Trying to give her space and focus on myself. As you can see above, sometimes I fail pretty hard. but I feel I’m like a duck. I may be paddling 100 mph under the water, but I’m just chilling on top side of the water. Hmm time to sleep. Tomorrow will be another adventure.